Quiet Weekend = Worry

Hollopeter3 · July 27

Why is it when I get a quiet weekend I am more paranoid of what might come in the following days is going to be a big one. This past weekend I had 2 calls, both for an alert that dad fell AGAIN, trying to get to the bathroom or just out of bed. Both times they didn't seem worried, but I was. I mean one of the times he hit his head, there is already enough going on with his head it can't be good to hit it. The other time he slipped and fell in urine… gross for one and now I worry that he is cleaned properly and that his room was cleaned up so he has a clean environment to live in.

UGH… why do I worry so much, my sisters and mom don't seem to be as concerned. I keep projecting this scenario to one that I may have to face in the future and thinking of all the things that I wouldn't want to have happen to me. It isn't fair… I had the type of relationship with my dad when I was younger that I was the son he never had, his tomboy, then I hit teenage years and I sort of idolized him, not for the right things, more like I took his beer and cigarettes and was wild. Then when I got older and became a parent myself I hated him, I hated the way he treated my mom, the way he flew off the handle and would use words and sometimes physical abuse towards my kids and me. I have even went as far as cutting him out of our lives for over 2 years, it was so nice, then I made peace and let him back in… just to tell him I hated him and never wanted to see him again. We have had a rocky relationship over the last 15 years, but now with the VD, I feel sorry for him, I feel like I don't know what to think anymore. It is hard to distinguish from the man that was to the man that is. Now he calls me "A Grade A B!tch that wants to control everyone", what do I do with this, why do I keep coming back to help, why do I feel so guilty.

The quiet weekend only lets my mind spin, I do research to learn more, to digest what is happening and for what… to be looked at as controlling, to be in this alone. It is such an ugly disease, I hate it! Sorry for the rant, it has been a lonely Monday.

Emily 123 · July 27

Wrangling a person with dementia can be tiring with even the sweetest of people. If there's a history of abuse then there can be a lot of emotional ambivalence around the caretaking. The whole family bore the brunt of his behaviors, and so it's not suprising that others have given themselves some breathing room now that he's been placed in a care facility.

We each have our own relationship with our parents, and we can only manage ourselves. You won't be able to get what you need emotionally from a person with dementia—they aren't going to be able to do that because of the disease. At the same time, you shouldn't take what they say to heart—their brain is shrinking and the wiring isn't working. It's easy for me to write out that advice, but of course it's very hurtful to hear any criticism when you're trying to do your best. As always, don't engage when the person becomes abusive—walk away.

I would honestly go chat with a counselor, just to untangle all the feelings and get them off your chest—It's not healthy to get caught up in them. A counselor or pastor could validate your feelings and tell you they're normal, and that you're doing well in a difficult situation.

caregiving daughter · July 28

It's especially hard when there's things left unsaid and open wounds. You are on your own in your healing I'm sorry to say—although you do have other family, friends, and therapists to support you. What you do have is a scared loved one with dementia who cannot be held accountable for what they say. Their judgement is impaired. They need your help, in whatever form that is safe for you.

Quiet Weekend = Worry

Comments

Commonly Used Abbreviations

Community Guidelines

Categories