Supporting a supporter

Words of Wisdom:

I've been with this group only since December 2024, so I am no expert. However, as you sound like you could be my child, attempting to locate help for me, as I care for their grandmother, I will share what I have learned.

1. We are tasked with keeping our parent SAFE, not happy.
2. Practice to D.A.R.E (Don't Argue, React, or Engage)
3. You will NEVER win an argument with a PWD and if you do, you will always be the one to be blamed.
4. Seek out all YouTube videos by Tam Cummings, PhD and Teepa Snow. They are very informative.
5. Encourage mom to join us here, online. Also, seek in-person support group meetings.
6. There are many members here your mom could learn a lot from. I find @harshedbuzz offers fresh perspective and insight into each individual's situation. Tap into her knowledge base.

All the best to you, your mom, and your uncle. The journey is rough, yet unfortunately, it gets brutal,shortly after commencing. Hang tight and remember, you are not alone. You have found your village. Come often and update whenever you feel comfortable. Btw, was grandpa staged and was his dementia classified? (Alzheimers, Lewy Body, Fronto-Temporal, etc)

Lastly, mom needs to get all of grandpa's legalities in order: durable power of attorney, living will, healthcare surrogate, setting up banking online, setting up portals with all doctors, pharmacies, and diagnostic centers/hospitals, revocable trust to preserve property from probate, learning the rules how not to run afoul of Medicaid's 5-year lookback period. Also contact his county's Agency on Aging to find what services he currently qualifies for.

Does your mom have a DPOA. This is very very important. If not, she will either need to get him to sign one (probably not possible at this point) or start the process to get guardianship. See an elder law attorney. If she has the DPOA already she needs to take action. He is not going to like it! He should not be driving! He will never agree or understand why he needs to stop. She needs to just get the car off the premises. Let him believe it’s stolen if necessary. Is your mom in control of finances. People with dementia can make some very poor financial choices. Sometimes to the point of losing their entire life savings. If money is an issue (dementia care is so expensive) she may want to talk with a lawyer about Medicaid qualifications and what is covered. He is probably not safe to live alone. Again, he will never agree to move into a facility. Some facilities can have a long waiting list to get in. We waited 6 months. Once she has figured out what he needs, can afford or what Medicaid will cover it would be good to get him on a waiting list. In home care might work, but it’s going to be very expensive and he probably needs 24/7 care at this point. This can also be difficult to manage (if someone is a no show). This may be just as difficult or more (than a facility) to get him to cooperate with. With the DPOA she should be able to get him into a facility without his agreement. It won’t be easy. She may need to use fibs. The doctor said he needs to go in for some rehab, or something like that. Does your mom attend doctors appointments with him? Medication for anxiety may help some. Communicating with the doctor through a patient portal may be better than pointing out her concerns in front of him at the doctors appointment. I will attach a few resources that might be helpful.

https://iona.org/therapeutic-fibs-ok/

https://www.medicaidplanningassistance.org/medicaid-eligibility-income-chart/

What is the plan to get him off the road and get him supervision /a different living situation? Even if an accident is not his fault he probably wouldn't be able to defend himself. By the time it went to court , heck even that day he may not be able to describe the accident accurately .

Doesn't sound like he should be alone . He has fears feeling his brain change just as your Mother and Uncle are afraid of upset their Father . But getting him and the others on the road safe will at least make 2/3 feel better .