Stay or Go

AmyGirl234 · July 28

Hello. I'm sorry for all of your loss and I'm about to be joining you soon.
My mother is in the end stages in a nursing facility far away. I'm long distance. My dad is there with her. Last time I saw her was late Feb of this year and a few more times on video calls when she was eating well and looking pretty healthy and ok all things considered. I'm torn between visiting her now just towards the end where she's not eating much at all, lost weight, weakening, and lost most of her awareness. It was also a very quick decline which is a whole other story. Did anyone ever opt just not to see them at that stage? Did anyone do so and regret it later? I was sent a video from a friend and just immediately deleted it. I'm worried it will overshadow the relatively good memories I have of her from very recently. At the same time, I'm not sure she's getting enough comfort over there with just my dad and I'm thinking of sending over some kind of companion. I don't know where I'd
get one. Thank you.

jgreen · July 28

Dear @AmyGirl234

Check with your dad and see if she is on hospice. She can have those services at this stage and they are another layer of help for your Mom. Their specialty is comfort care and seeing that your Mom is comfortable. They can also support your dad through this final stage. You might check with a hospice in your area and tell them about your situation. Someone may be kind enough to give an overview of what hospice does and how they might be something to help both your dad and mom.

I lost my Mom many years ago. My middle sister and I were with her up to her passing (She was in the hospital with organ failure). When I called my youngest sister and brother (who live out of state) I advised them to come after Mom had died as they would have been terribly shocked with her appearance. It was a few years later that each of them told me they were glad that I had given this advice so they could remember Mom the way she was - a vibrant woman.

JulietteBee · July 29

I am so sorry to hear of your mom's rapid decline.

As far as staying away or going, truthfully, only your conscience can be your guide. Lean in to it!

Here is the reason I say so. At the time of her death and subsequent burial, will you be riddled with guilt having not been at her bedside, offering the comfort only a daughter can give? How will you feel seeing your dad's raw grief, knowing he witnessed something traumatic, the love of his life dying before his eyes?

When my dad died, not from Alzheimers/Dementia, we were called and told he had slipped into a coma overnight. I was at his bedside the entire day, up until his monitor said, "Asystole."

He looked so peaceful, sleeping. I told my mother and sibling that I did not want to see him lying in the casket. I wanted to remember his wrinkle-free face as he slept. During his viewing, I stayed outside. I insisted the casket be closed and remain closed once I came in the church.

When my 20 week old fetus was delivered, stillborn, I told them I did not want to hold him. I lived with that regret for almost a solid decade. Even now, I still get a pang of guilt at not holding him and taking pictures.

This sounds trite, but it is not intended as such. Your mom's death will be a one-time only event. Having been there/not, do some introspection and try to figure out now how you will feel the moment you hear the news that she died, a month later, at the 1 year anniversary, etc.

Hugs and well wishes!🫂🙏🏽🥺

psg712 · July 31

I agree with the others that it is a very individual decision. When my dad died years ago (not with dementia), it was important to me to be at his side as he passed from his earthly life. My sister, on the other hand, had been at the hospital earlier and could not bring herself to watch his last hours and his final breath. She said her goodbye while he was still semi-conscious and left. We each did what we needed to do.

Your choice will be influenced by what your relationship was with your mom and your dad. Ask your dad what he feels he needs for support. As JulietteBee said, consider what you will best be able to live with afterwards. I hope you find what brings you peace. Anticipatory grief is tough too.

Daisy4U · August 9

It's a hard a personal choice to make. The soul hurt is there either way. My mom passed away from dementia about a month ago. Looking back, I was glad I was there in the wee hours to say a few comforting words as she took her last breath. Still, I am haunted by the memory of that last night spent listening to her laboured breathing, even though she passed peacefully. Listen to what you heart is telling you about how you will feel later on, it's your best guide in this situation.

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