Visiting after transfer to new MC

dbarrylewis · July 29

Hi! I’ve written multiple times in the past about my mom‘s current MC. After 25 pounds of weight loss and the feeling that the MC isn’t taking the concerns seriously or has adequate medical staffing, we’ve decided to move my mother to another MC. Much more expensive but has 24x7 nursing on-site and the layout is much more home-like.

When we brought my mom to the first MC it shattered her and us. She’s been incredibly depressed and this led to the weight loss. She’s now on a depressant, that’s also an appetite stimulant but it’s not clear its making a difference. We’re really hopeful under the watchful eye of the medical staff at the new they location we can turn things around.

The move is Monday. I don’t think I’ll be able to completely breathe until it’s over. I know she’ll think she’s going home. The idea of going somewhere will be very disappointing and confusing. We considered all of this before the decision. Just so worried and stressed and scared.

My question is how we should handle visiting my mom after the move. When she first moved to the current MC we were advised not visit for at least a week. But now somebody from the family visits every day. After we make the transition, I hate to start all over leaving her alone for a week. We’ve received mixed advice. Some say to continue to see her at our regular intervals. We’ve also heard that we should give this new facility one week before we come in. She’s much more frail than the initial move. I really hate to leave her alone for that week without checking in and reassuring her that we’ll continue to visit, just as before.

Has anybody moved a parent from one facility to another and had to consider this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

easy23 · July 29

I visited every day after moving my DH from MC to a SNF. The staff felt it was helpful to both him and them. If I were you, I would keep up my regular schedule with my mother. Good luck with the move!

jen ht · July 29

Hi @dbarrylewis

I am about to be in your situation. Dad's new memory care is smaller and as you've described more of a home-like set up.

During the intake conversations, the folks at the new place were all committed to figuring out visits as we go. I am very aware that I sometimes trigger him to think he is leaving with me. So I proceed with caution and am always ready to cut a visit short if it starts going sideways. I always have treats at the ready to help distract him in case a quick departure is needed for me. I am not upset (anymore) with a 10 minute visit. I tell myself am just glad to "have eyes on him" for a moment and I slip out quietly.

The day he moves in, they will handle his arrival - which will happen during their lunchtime. From there, we will see how he responds on other days.

I know that's likely not the answer you're looking for. Sometimes gathering stories of how others have worded their experiences has helped me. Maybe reading this will cause you to think of something I haven't even mentioned. That is part of the beauty and power in storytelling and sharing our journeys.

I will add that I arranged medical transport for dad to his new home. I will be "around", but will be able to duck into the background at any time if needed.

Does my heart still hurt? Yep. It isn't an easy road. As I've learned from the dear folks here, sometimes safe is the goal. Brain change sometimes no longer allows for what we used to think of as Happiness for our Loved Ones, but we can strengthen their safety nets.

May we be well 💜

Jen

dbarrylewis · July 29

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/278643#Comment_278643

Thank you for sharing! Sending prayers for your move to go well! Ours is a tricky one. My father is older (86) but still has full cognition. He has other health worries but this makes it harder for her to understand why she’s not just home with him. 💔

It became unsafe due to the delusions and agitation/aggression. But this isn’t something we can say. We tell her we’re at the facility so the doctors can adjust her meds in a safe environment, and we want her to be able to go home once they are all set. We’re planning to tell her the change is to work on this with the best doctor. This is a longer response than planned, but I feel like if I keep saying it, I’ll be more prepared for Monday when we will be moving her.

ARIL · July 29

Yes, I moved my father from one MC to another. I kept visiting at the same rate as before. We had a routine that I did not disrupt.

A few weeks after the move, he said, “They have made a lot of improvements to this place.” I agreed.

I hope the move works out well for your mom.

fesk · July 29

Best of luck on the move. My mother is not in a facility but, if it were me, I would be by her side as much as possible - initial move, second move - wouldn't matter.

April23 · July 29

I had to move my dad from a MC AL to an RCF but he knew what was happening and that he wasn’t going home.

This is is one of the times that I say trust your instinct, you will know what is best.

harshedbuzz · July 29

@dbarrylewis

I think you were wise to trust your gut on this. It's possible this decline isn't reversible; dementia moves in one direction only. But having trust in and collaboration with the care team is critical.

In terms of framing the move, I'd lean into the doctor isn't happy with her progress and has suggested a better rehab for her needs. I'd wait to spring it until the day of the move. Using medical transport rather than your own car may keep her from thinking she's ready to go home.

I didn't have to moved dad. My first choice turned out to be as promised by the others in my local support group. The facility encouraged visiting under most circumstances; dad was pretty nasty for about 10 days but this did pass. I'd trust your gut on this.

HB

Visiting after transfer to new MC

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