Help! I don't know what to do.

Welcome. Sorry you need to be here. Many with dementia have anosognosia. This is the inability to recognize their symptoms or limitations. It’s really hard to navigate. My mom was furious we had hired someone to mow her lawn (she thought she was perfectly capable of doing it herself) in the beginning. Later she was angry that I had wasted all her money on assisted living. Yes, I believe you have to think of her as a child that doesn’t know what is best. As towhee suggested, if you can come up with some kind of fib I would try it. Try not to feel guilty about a lie. If she believes the story and she is no longer upset and angry, it’s worth the it in my opinion. It’s all about trying to give her some calm and comfort. If nothing works you might want to talk with her doctor about medication for anxiety. I will add a few resources.

https://iona.org/therapeutic-fibs-ok/

@peachb

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

In dementia care, safe is job one. Full stop. Content would a nice bonus. Happiness is unlikely.

Your mom likely has anosognosia and is completely unable to understand how impaired she is. You aren't going to get buy-in by bringing the need up— you'll only make things worse. She hasn't the capacity to understand the need for or the concept of a POA, so it's best not to share financials with her.

A couple thoughts—

You could try again with an in-home companion. Create a fiblet that the person is there to do work for you (housekeeping, laundry, etc.) or your DH (admin) or tell her the person is a friend-of-a-friend who is down on their luck and needs work or a student who needs in-home clinical hours.

If you're walking on eggshells in your own home, it's likely time to include psychoactive medications in her treatment plan. Behavior is communication. She is trying to process feelings and changes she no longer has the bandwidth to do. A geripsych is your best bet here, but her neurologist may be willing to trial something until she can be seen.

Maybe a day program would be more easily accepted. A good program can offer socialization and failure-free activities; typically, at a lower cost than in-home aides.

HB

Your mom will likely never willingly accept a caregiver's help because in her mind there is nothing wrong with her. No amount of reasoning or explaining will make it so. My dad of today would have a fit if he knew what his LTC and private aide were costing (even though he can well afford it), but my dad of 10 years ago would say, of course, you are doing the right thing for me. Our roles are now reversed. You make the decisions now and do what is best. Don't discuss financial decisions with her about her care. Tell her Medicare pays for it (that worked on my dad). Tell her the caregiver is for you, not for her. Tell her anything that will make your life easier and get both of you the care and help that is needed.

Hi. I'm also new here.

I've recently taken over care for my mother due to unfortunate circumstances.

I struggle with frustration and feeling helpless and overwhelmed.

My mother cannot acknowledge her challenges, and constantly refuses help, staying "I'm perfectly capable", while taking tomorrow evening's meds, putting on two different shoes, using the dog's collar as a handle while the leash loop is around his neck, claiming her phone is broken because she can't remember how to plug in the charger, or insisting she has to move because everyone is 30 years older than her and she has nothing in common (she's 77).

I believe she can't understand/accept her diagnosis. She tells my daughters that she won't stand for it. To me she tries to cover up, telling others not to tell me about certain events. Paranoia is real.

It's very difficult, and I am so glad there is an avenue to support one another on this topsy turvy journey. As sad as it is, it helps to know you're not alone.