first time post

Alshammer · August 1

I joined because I feel like I could use some tips, advice and help. I don't do a bad job caring for my wife, but I could improve. I think I am sometimes too impatient with the seemingly endless challenging behaviors. There is rarely a single triggering issue, but usually the accumulation of behaviors, that makes my responses impatient and needlessly harsh. Anybody have a similar response? Any suggestions?
Thank you

SDianeL · August 1

welcome. I found that thinking of my husband as my patient and me his nurse helped me take emotions away. When you are getting impatient take a break. Go in another room to get back in control. Remember she can’t help it. It’s the dementia. 2 things I learned here also helped: 1) never argue with someone with dementia and 2) You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. I repeated that throughout the day and especially if I felt like I was getting impatient. Remember you are human. As long as you try to do better you’re doing the best you can.

jgreen · August 1

Welcome, @Alshammer

@SDianeL gave you some great advice! She’s the best!

I still have my ‘moments’! Só don’t feel alone in this. I am learning to take those breaks that @SDianeL mentioned and I say quietly to myself something like “Ï am so very frustrated!”or “Ï am so angry!”or “Ï feel so alone!” and name the emotion out loud. Then I tell myself that I will do better next time. Give yourself some grace - this is very hard work and I know you are doing your best.

Sending you and your DW hugs 💝

persevere · August 1

If possible, get some help with her. Getting a few hours a few days a week can go a long way.

dcare45 · August 1

As usual good advice from this site. I use the step out of the room a lot and no arguments. Like SDianeL said you can’t win against a broken reasoner. An acronym I have seen on here is DIRM. Does it really matter? I learned to let the little annoying things go and it improved my patience, surprised me. You may have to change your expectations for your DW. Come back often to vent and tell us what works for you.

Kat63 · August 1

welcome. So happy you found this site, as it has helped me more than anything else in dealing with all the issues that we face in caring for our LO with dementia. Asking how you can do better, says you are doing a great job caring for your DW. We all do the best we can and YES we all can do better. We are not perfect and being a caregiver is the probably the hardest thing we will ever do. For me, and it took years to come to this realization, was the realization that my DH was no longer my DH. Our relationship was no longer husband and wife. I know it sounds obvious, but harder to REALLY accept this reality. Once I did, it has been easier. I don’t expect anything from my DH and my job is to make each day as good as I can for him. Please try to get some help and try to get a day or so a week for you. We all need days off.

Maru · August 1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76709/first-time-post

I think that I had an advantage in that we have a grandson who severely bi-polar and I learned long ago to just agree with everything he said. And, my experiences with him reinforced the concept that people who look fit and healthy can still be very handicapped, so I began to see my DH as handicapped. I would say that dementia is certainly a handicap. Another thing that I do when DH is on my last nerve is to start saying prayers that I know from memory. You could also try humming softly. That is supposed to be self-calming.

And, as everyone say…..get away for a little bit, even if it is just a walk around the block.

ij9856 · August 1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76709/first-time-post

Welcome to the club, you're not alone. Yes, I am sure most caregivers who are not professions are experiencing the very same trend: anger, frustration, disappointment when logic won't work anymore, emotionally disturbed, etc. I have learned to eat up my own emotions, anger and frustration, and go along with whatever my LO is asking, or better said, demanding. This has helped because they soon, very soon, forget what they were asking for, so it would be a rather short period that you are submitting yourself to something you don't want to but have to.

I used to get really, really mad and upset and lose my temper, but was reminded over and over that nothing gets better this way, I was advised to learn to stay calm and in focus and in control of my emotions and get along and all be OK shortly. Best of luck to you.

Alshammer · August 1

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. My expectations were exceeded. I may get back with some of you with a specific question. It just won't be until a later time / date. Thanks again.

EarlInCA · August 2

the accumulation of behaviors, that makes my responses impatient and needlessly harsh

I believe this is part of being human and alive. Like you, I do my very best to be there for my DW, both physically and emotionally but when the load becomes too heavy, I have to vent or get out. Getting out brings forth more trauma so it can be vent or turn into a automaton. My ability to handle the accumulation has grown as the disease has progressed but I fear the day when I may become detached from emotional response.

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