I Just want her back

Ed's mom · August 1

During the nighttime bathroom break as we both rolled to our own side of the bed, I started crying. I know it was years ago but I want the original version back. The one who would cuddle up next to me. Every day we're together but I am alone. We barely have nice conversations, I tiptoe and she's always right to avoid setting things off. I feel terrible but if this is the road we're on I'm looking forward to the not talking phase. I just don't know this person.

Maru · August 1

I think I miss cuddling more than anything else. This terrible disease is a long, long grieving process for the significant other. I have no words to cheer you up, just feeling your deep loss and pain.

ronda b · August 1

I was just thinking the other day ,how i miss the hugs that made me feel everything would be alright and I was safe in those arms.

Arrowhead · August 1

Nights are the worse.

For 47 years I fell asleep spooning with my wife; my hand on her shoulder or waist, or with my arm around her, touching her skin. It gave me a sense of security. For 3 years now she has been in memory care and, while I’ve gotten used to sleeping alone, I still miss having her in my bed.

Before our marriage, I thought the best part of married life would be the sex. I was wrong. I soon discovered that the best part was her being there when I fell asleep and again when I awoke in the morning. Now, I’ll never have that again. Sometimes it depresses me and sometimes it makes me angry, but eventually those feeling go away, at least for a while.

jfkoc · August 1

My husband died 10 years age and at night I still put my hand on his side of the bed….shed a tear or two then roll over. I suspect it never ends.

jfkoc · August 1

dcare45 · August 1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76715/i-just-want-her-back

My heart goes out to you Ed's mom. Some nights I lay awake and watch my DW sleep and miss her so bad. Her aphasia has really kicked in so we can really not have conversations anymore. I don't always know what she is talking about or if she understands what I am saying. It makes me sad. As you said we are together, yet I am alone.

Kat63 · August 1

This is the saddest part of this disease and only those who have had a LO with dementia really understands. We still have our LO physically with us, but we don’t have our relationship anymore. Most of the time I don’t let myself think about all that I have lost. The times that I do, it’s like Ed’s mom and it’s as I lay in bed next to my DH at night and sometimes I let the tears flow.

Groovy's Girl · August 1

I miss the "connection" with my DH…I wrote this poem to help me…

When You Used to Know Me

Living in this painful present,

My days are overcast.

Watching you disappear,

Grieving the loss of all that’s passed.

I can’t bring back our yesterdays

Or share my memory.

I can’t take your hand and lead you back

to when you used to know me.

When I lay you down beside me

And think about tomorrow,

Will you be my long-time love

or just a sleeping shadow?

My shattered heart keeps asking

Can I possibly find the key?

The key to open that yesterday door

to when you used to know me.

I search my heart for hope to accept the future that I see.

Nothing and no one can take you back to when you used to know me.

Ed's mom · August 1

Groovey's Girl I love your poem, thank you for sharing.

RetiredTeacher · August 2

Groovey Girl's poem really touched me. I broke down the other night. We were both in bed but I felt so alone. As I cried silently while DH slept, I kept thinking there's noone to hold me while I cry anymore...

Russinator · August 2

I cried reading this post. It's so true

Biggles · August 2

I too silently cry at night, laying in bed next to my sweet DH. We were so safe together, with his arm tightly holding me. We would wake up like that in the early hours and gently roll into each other so ready for a new day. The tears flow when he struggles now, with words that will not come his aphasia is so bad. I just want him back and yes there is no one to hold me now while I cry.

EarlInCA · August 2

Ed's Mom's note struck home, Groovy Girl's words brought me to tears.

dcare45 · August 2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/278956#Comment_278956

Yeah, you are absolutely correct. Dealing with this part of it hits me much more deeply than all the work and frustrations of the day.

sgowans · August 2

I agree with all the comments on this post. The poem hit home. My journey started in 2018 when my DW was getting lost right in our neighborhood. I am hanging on as long as I can. We have no children and we both worked hard so we could retire and drive around our great country. We made 45 states and sadly that’s where it will end. She is in heavy stage 7 and it gets more painful every day. We all love the ones we care for with all our hearts. The slow loss is the most cruel thing ever. My DW is a very caring person but it has been taken from her. Some of her family members are nonexistent and that is a shame. Thinking of all of us on this site and the ones that are going to join. It has been a very comforting experience for me.

vdaygirl · August 3

Lonely, but not alone because my LO is still at home. I stopped sharing the bed when he periodically stopped recognising me and started hallucinating and asking me what I was doing in the bed and that there were already enough people there. We don’t touch or hug. It doesn’t feel right. I too miss the security of knowing that given a challenge we will deal with it, but now, my partner is gone. The person I am living with is not the person a married almost 42 years ago. The unpredictability of who I will be dealing with tomorrow is difficult.

Russinator · August 3

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/278993#Comment_278993

Ditto

I Just want her back

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