Really Sad Trying to Remember Who He Was

brupt30 · August 3

My DH seems to be declining quickly - he is very bitter and angry most of the time now, and it's clear that his meds are not working anymore. Going to see a new geri-psych in a few weeks to discuss making some changes. In the meantime, I hardly recognize the man that I married over 40 years ago. I'm so afraid that I will no longer remember all of the good times and what a wonderful person he was. How do you keep those memories alive while struggling with the shadow of the person that you are grieving?

Russinator · August 3

I'm trying my hardest to remember the good times. I use pictures to take me back to those days.

jgreen · August 3

Dear @brupt30 So sorry your DH is declining. I hope the new geri-psych can help.

Like @Russinator wrote, pictures help. I bought a digital photo frame for DH’s birthday last fall. I uploaded photos from my phone and son’s, as well as found old photos of DH as teenager and young man and had those digitized too. He still stops by the frame every once in a while looks at the photos intently. I find myself doing that too! It helps me remember the better times.

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=digital+photo+frame&crid=30M1JM8R4HYWY&sprefix=Digital+photo%2Caps%2C208&ref=nb_sb_ss_p13n-expert-pd-ops-ranker_ci_hl-bn-left_2_13

I am sure you will find something to help you remember. Sending hugs 💝

Goodlife2025 · August 4

@jgreen We have that same digital frame. We thought it would be good for DW and she does look at the pictures "sometimes" but it has actually been nice for me. Family members have contributed and having pictures pop up that I haven't seen or remembered myself has been a nice way to remember who she used to be and the Good Life we have always had.

harshedbuzz · August 4

@brupt30

My mom found this aspect of dementia-care challenging, too. In the thick of it, she simply could not summon up fonder memories of the good times— only past transgressions and the ugliness of his current persona. But about 2-ish years after he passed the happier memories started to replace the traumatic ones.

HB

PS Mom still has dad's digital frame. He never looked at it unless prompted and then not quickly enough to catch what we tried to point out. Over time he didn't recognize other people; once he confused my son for his urologist. They're not even the same race.

HB

annie51 · August 4

Trust me, you will not lose those good memories. My DH’s personality was unrecognizable to me for so long. After he passed in January this year, the bad memories were front and center. At first going through all of our old pictures only brought tears, but over time I found myself smiling when I saw pictures of happier times that triggered good memories. Slowly I found it easier and easier to suppress the bad memories when they try to surface. I know it’s hard now, but as others have said, find a way to remind yourself and your DH of the good times using pictures. If he will look at them, great, but it will be good for you too. It also reminds you of how much you love him and gives you strength to move along.

Sending hugs!

CindyBum · August 4

Like annie51, I've been in Stage 8 since my DW passed in early February. While caregiving, I couldn't remember much of anything…good times, happy moments, my DW as the bright light she was, etc. Heck, I realized about two months after she had passed that I had even lost the ability to dream the last few years, after having my first dream in years.

The first few months were filled with images of my DW's suffering and my own exhaustion and guilt around things I could and couldn't manage. At 6 months in, I'm finally able to look at pictures of us in happier times and all I can do is laugh and smile about them. I still have my down moments and sure I will the rest of my life. But I am now bound and determined to remember my DW for her vibrant life of 70 years…not the last 4 when she was in so much cognitive/pscyhological pain. No way I will let myself dishonor a life of easy laughter, big love and absolute kindness from her by remembering her being bullied by dementia.

Big hug.

brupt30 · August 4

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/279108#Comment_279108

"Bullied by dementia" is the perfect way to describe it - both for caregivers and their loved ones with dementia!

KDSG · August 5

I look at pictures often and it really helps me to remember the good times,

MariaN26 · August 9

This is probably one of the hardest parts of the journey. My DH is in stage 5 and I am seeing more and more changes to his personality. He is more often angry, frustrated and speaks in a manner he never did before. I miss the way he was. There are times when he acts like he used to but those times are becoming less and less. He has also started acting inappropriately at times. His dr prescribed medicines for his anxiety and to calm him down but it doesn’t seem to be working as well as we would hope. While it is hard for me to experience, it is even worse for my children and grandchildren. He always seems to be directing his verbal anger on me and our two youngest grandchildren. The dr feels that some of the anger is due to him feeling he has no control over his life so he tries to control what he can. She said he feels that I will take his bad behavior and he knows he can control the younger two. This journey is a hard one and everyone’s journey is different but some things like the slow loss of the person you love is the painful part of everyone’s journey. My family and I watch old videos, share memories and look at pictures so we don’t forget who he was and only see who he is now.

Russinator · August 10

A few days ago I posted this: "I'm trying my hardest to remember the good times. I use pictures to take me back to those days." Today I'd like to add to that post. Four years ago my wife was diagnosed with dementia (about) that same time I found a page on Facebook that showed an elderly couple walking on the sand at the beach with text that said "The goal is to die with memories, not dreams." That gave me an idea to make a book, which, turned out to be a slide show - not a book. I used that photo as the first page in my slide show. I have over 300 pages at this time. They are half text and half photographs. I put them in an album on Apple's Photo so we can sit on our sofa and remember how it used to be. Here are three of the 300+ pages. Once in a while I'll remember an event that's not in the slide show so I sit down and add another few pages.