Horrible Month
On July 3rd my DW had a delusion and started packing up her clothes and was waiting for her deceased sister to arrive so she could move to her home. I could usually calm down these delusions but this time it was much different and nothing I could say would calm her down. Being I thought even if I could have what would happen during the night if I fell asleep. I decided to call an ambulance to take her to the hospital. I followed the ambulance to the hospital to get her settled in the emergency room. The next day when I visited her, she was very groggy, so I thought they had sedated her to keep her in the bed. A Dr called me and ask me what my intentions was being she was sent to the hospital. I told him she has Alzheimer and it was not safe for her to be home. I got another call from a social worker asking me what I was going to do and told her I need to find a memory care facility, she said ok we will work on that, they did nothing. My DW was in the emergency room for 7 days without anyone making sure she ate and drank water. She became so dehydrated she got a UTI and was mostly comatose. I was so frustrated that I threaten to call an ambulance to take her to another hospital, after that they admitted her to the hospital to start treating her, she was in there for four days and then transferred to a skilled nursing/rehab facility. During the emergency room disaster I had found a memory care facility, but they couldn't take her until she had regained her strength. She spent 14 days in the skilled nursing facility and is now in a very nice Memory care facility who graciously held her spot.
Now a whole new journey begins…thanks for listening.
Comments
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What a terrible experience for you both. I do hope you both are able to rest . Wonderful the memory care facility held a spot!!
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Geot, My husband has a similar delusion daily. He packs his clothes and if I am gone even an hr to the grocery store, or to a drs appt he wants me to drive him to our other house when I get home. Every night it is the same thing…when are we leaving, I hate it here and am not going to live here until I die, the ghosts are stealing all of my clothes and I'm tired of it…on and on. Last night he unpacked all of his things…that he had just packed the night before… and put them away in the 2nd bedroom, which functions as his closet. This morning, I told him that it looked very nice and he said that he was afraid of the ghosts in there and that the glass top table (which used to be his computer desk) is a different size and that if they keep making it bigger, he won't be able to get into the room. Now he has packed some bundles of clothes to give to them so that they will let him keep his other things. It is never ending. His pyschiatrist doubled the dosage of his Seroquel 3 weeks ago, but so far it has not helped. I have been looking at MC facilities…but since he has NPD, anasognosia, extreme paranoia, delusions, anger and agitation, it may be a challenge to find a nice place that will accept him. If he were a female, I think it might be easier to manage…but maybe not. Anyway…will be interested in how things go for you. Chin up…
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It has been three days now that my DW has been in the memory care facility. I think I was very lucky to have found such a wonderful place so close to home in a very short period of time. These facilities are very expensive and being my current assets disqualify me for any source of aid, such as Medicaid, I will have to pay this expense myself. After finding this wonderful web site here to get very valuable and helpful information in which we all are in the boat I have always wonder when will the time come for me to make the decision that I can longer give the care that my DW needs for her own safety. That time came on July 3rd after two years of home care, and now that she is in memory care, and I see the care they provide I am at peace with that. It was not easy and I still feel somewhat guilty but with the support of the memory care facility staff they are helping me and my DW to begin this new journey in both of our lives.
God bless to all care givers
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@Geot My DW went into MC on July 1st. It’s been a month now and she is acclimating very well. I was also lucky to find a facility near me. Like you stated, it was time and we as caregivers are the only ones that can know when. I woke up one day in late June and I just knew it was time. I’ve been able to sleep normally finally and the day to day caregiving duties are now over. I am now back to being her husband and advocate. Let us know how your DW is doing with her new place.
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This will only be the fourth day for my DW in the facility, but the staff has told me that most new patients that come in are very disagreeable, but my DW jumped right into most everything without any hesitation. I was very glad to hear that but will see what happens in the days to come. I still do not sleep very well at night but I'm sure that will change as I adjust to not having the weight of 24/7 caregiver sinks in and I can now also be her husband and advocate.
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My DH was in MC for one year and I had to move him to a nursing home due to increasing physical problems. He has been there one year now and I don't think I could have survived taking care of him at home. He has always had delusions, was packing and unpacking and wandering. I now visit him most days and am able to be his wife and advocate. It is expensive, but there was no other choice.
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My DW and I have been married for 65 years and worked very hard to acquire what assets we have. We had hoped to leave our children a little something to give them an extra boost in their life's journey but now all that has changed. The assets we have disqualify us for any aid and we are left to foot the enormous bill for a memory care facility. Our present system requires you to liquidate all your assets before you can receive any aid leaving the surviving spouse literally hanging on by a thread. I could no longer provide the care my DW needed so a memory care facility was the only choice for her safety, physical and mental well-being. I visit her daily and provide all the support that I can.
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I had so many of the same feelings when I placed DH in MC. What’s really sad to me is that if you can qualify for Medicaid, they generally don’t fully cover MC, but they will fully cover skilled nursing, which is even more expensive! This is a major flaw in that system. I did have the means to pay for MC so I was lucky. Once he was there and I was comfortable that I had made the right decision, I was amazed at the amount of relief I felt. I really had no idea what the day to day care was doing to me until I wasn’t doing it anymore. I was happy to visit every day, make sure he was being well taken care of, getting to know the staff and the other residents and spouses. And the MC doctor and NP’s made adjustments to his meds when needed, notifying me about every change - much easier than having to make those calls myself to his docs. I’m happy for you that it’s working out well. Keep us posted.
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My DH has been in MC for 2 1/2 years. I paid his entire bill for the first five or six months before he was qualified for Medicaid. We live in Missouri. Each state has their own Medicaid rules and some states are easier to qualify than others. I contacted an elder care lawyer and she helped me first of all to understand Missouri's Medicaid rules and then helped me to apply them. I still have to pay half of the MC costs. That comes from his pension and social security that he gets each month. The lawyer was able to help me set up a Medicaid Compliant Marital Annuity that pays me a set amount each month for my expenses. I also receive social security and a small paycheck from a part time job. I've said all this to say that you need to talk to an elderlaw attorney to see if you could qualify your DW for Medicaid in your state. If it hadn't been for my lawyer, I would be bankrupt by now.
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I do have an elder law attorney and in the state of Massachusetts most of your assets have to be depleted before you can file for any aid, Medicaid, etc. I am fortunate enough to have the assets for a few years to cover the expenses, after that then can apply for aid.
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Yes, I totally agree, I had no idea just how much relief it would be to have the weight of me be the only caregiver lifted off my shoulders. The MC facility is a wonderful place and my DW is well taken care of without me stressing every day to wonder what comes next to deal with. When I visit my DW and it is not a good day for her I can just leave and let the care facility handle that situation…. totally different then trying to make it through a bad day by yourself.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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