Both my parents have alzheimers

bnjk1197 · August 6

for the last two years I have been trying to care for both of my parents with Alzheimer’s. I only lasted 5 months with both of them and had to place mom in memory care facility., dad lived with me for an additional year and I just had to place him as well. I am devastated beyond belief. My brother has autism and wasn’t able to help and I couldn’t handle their care on my own. Any tips on how to get through my guilt and anguish about having to place them in memory care? I’m new to this website

ARIL · August 6

I am so sorry that both your parents have this awful disease and that you find yourself in such a sad situation. But please reassure yourself: placing parents in MC is not abandonment, and it is not a sign of your failure. The disease is relentless, and seeking care in a facility when that is needed is an important way to show love.

Also, believe me, placing parents in MC is very far from the end of your caregiving responsibilities! There will be plenty for you to do in assisting them: visiting, buying supplies, getting to know staff, advocating for them, discussing their care needs with health professionals, managing their finances… But, with luck, you will also be able to sleep at night and hopefully take care of your own health.

Sadness that memory care was necessary is absolutely understandable. Guilt, while common, is something I hope will be of short duration. You haven’t done anything wrong. Instead you have made the hard decision to get them 24/7 help. That is OK. Really.

The disease is harming them. You are not!

Hang in there. We are with you.

bnjk1197 · August 6

thank you so much for your kind words! I really appreciate it. I just have to take it day by day and therapy and joining this group will be very helpful. Again thank you!

SusanB-dil · August 6

Welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

YOU didn't place them. 'this' horrid disease did! You can only do so much, and now they are cared for 24/7. You will always be their advocate, but without shouldering every bit of the responsibility and 24/7. That was never sustainable, more especially watching out for both your folks.

Caregiver burnout is real, and dangerous. They are blessed to have you watching out for them.

terei · August 6

You are doing something FOR your parents, not to them. I never even considered bringing my mom with dementia to live with me. I know my limitations. Of course I worried, but I believe I did what was best for both of us.

Jonesica · August 6

I want to echo other's words here. This is actually my first time commenting; but I read your headline and was stopped in my tracks. I can't imagine going through this with both parents. One has been so hard. You are a champion. You are making the right decision for their wellbeing and your own. Take it day by day. Hugs.

April23 · August 7

I’m so sorry. It’s so heartbreaking, I thought I would never get over it. I cried for weeks. I’m still very sad but it’s tolerable now. A daughter caring for a father is difficult yet you managed for a year, that’s remarkable. And you cared for both parents for months, that’s amazing. You did your best.

But just as remarkable is knowing when placing them in someone else’s care was what was best. Knowing your abilities no longer matched the level of care they needed is also something you should be commended for. You didn’t fail, you did the right thing. Now you can be your parents’ advocate and their daughter too. You’re still a caregiver, you just have a different role.

Both my parents have alzheimers

Comments

Commonly Used Abbreviations

Community Guidelines

Categories