Emotionally draining

Singerkay · August 7

For the last 4.5 years I’ve tried convincing my mom to see a doctor because I was concerned. She is unable to see her symptoms. It took behind the scenes convincing my stepdad that she was a getting worse for over a year and him finally noticing to get us to the point that we had an appointment with a geriatric doctor this week.

There is just so much that happened at the appointment. It was hard to describe what I see and how she’s changed in front of her. While she huffed and puffed the whole time because she is unaware and thinks I’m lying. I’m now in the dog house with her because she is “on to me” and that I am out to get her. I don’t even know what I am out to get.

This is hard and I’m struggling with feeling like she hates me. I know I get to go home and my stepdad has to stay with her so I’ll be the “bad guy” to save him. I hate this disease. I hate what it’s turned her into. I hate this feeling of despair and knowing it’s only going to get worse.

SusanB-dil · August 7

Hello and welcome to 'here' but sorry for the reason.

You won't find anyone on here that disagrees with you on HATING 'this' horrid thing!

Most of our LO have anosognosia. This is not denial, but rather the total inability to see that anything is wrong, and everyone else is just out to aggravate them. They also have an ability to 'showtime'. For a short time, a PWD can be capable of hiding that something is wrong. (Basically, put on a show) Not sure if that's what you mean she did at the dr appt.

You did what needed to be done. Maybe the doc can give her something to curb that anger. Just a thought - could you maybe bring her out for her favorite dessert? It may not help, but probably wouldn't hurt to try.

You'll find that a lot of our LO have gotten perturbed and aggravated with us and we are only trying to help them. It bites!!

H1235 · August 7

Welcome. I can completely relate. My mom barely spoke with me after that first appointment. She has since decided the doctor didn’t know what they were doing when they tested her and does not believe the dementia diagnosis. I found it helpful to communicate with the doctor through a patient portal. Moms not very tech savvy, so it worked great. A written note given to reception would also work. You would not believe the lengths I have gone to to avoid upsetting mom. Has your family seen a lawyer yet. This is very very important. Rather than bringing up any diagnosis or problems she is having it might work best to say it’s just because her and your stepdad are getting older and it’s just something to be addressed. This kind of approach may be helpful with other things as well. I will add a few resources that might be helpful.

Anosognosia and Dementia - AgingCare.com.pdf

DBAT.pdf

understanding-the-dementia-experience.pdf

https://iona.org/therapeutic-fibs-ok/

https://www.helpinghandshomecare.co.uk/care-advice/what-is-show-timing-in-dementia-patients/

SRK82 · August 10

Thank you for posting this. I am brand new here, and my father was just diagnosed with dementia after 5 hospitalizations in 6 months. He is a different person every day, and some days he is totally reasonable and "himself", while other days he is completely incapable of functioning independently. I just made the agonizing decisions to move him into a long-term care facility, and he is heart-broken. He doesn't believe he has dementia and thinks I'm plotting against him to convince everyone he is "crazy". He switches back and forth between being very loving and sweet, and being horribly mean and agitated. He was already a difficult person and had a lot of emotional/anger issues, but he was always still a loving father to me. I'm an only child and his only family member, so I understand the horrible toll this takes. I'm also the bad guy- and right along side you learning how to support and love a person with this awful disease.

H31pN33d3d · August 11

I’m new here and started reading before posting my new experience as a caregiver. First, it’s amazing how we come from various backgrounds yet how similar our experiences are. I know it’s cliché and why support groups are so vital but you simply don’t know how vital until you become a “member”. The shared anger and emotional turmoil received as caregivers quickly brought me to tears for several reasons. I’m sad because my mom is suffering with dementia; I’m sad because so many of us are in this boat; I’m sad because I’m exhausted and have yet to find that healthy middle ground; I’m sad because of the emotional rollercoaster; and I’m angry because my mom treats us terribly in her denial. In any case, I’m very blessed to have you guys to hear me and for me to hear you.

JamesMcG69 · August 14

I’m amazed as I scroll through many of the posts and read everyone’s responses and keep feeling like I’m reading my own story over and over again. It’s so nice to not feel alone on this journey.

Emotionally draining

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