Visits causing stress?

FrancieNolan · August 6

Hello all, once again I may be just venting and processing my thoughts, but I always get helpful feedback here.
Dad, 88 has vascular dementia and moved to Assisted Living near me (facility has MC as well) about 6 months ago. After a lot of work to get him to agree the transition as gone well.
But I am very conflicted about visits and what he wants or what is even good for him. I have a lot of guilt, especially when I see other residents spending lots of time interacting with their families. And selfishly I wouldn't want to be someone the staff gossips about as not visiting enough.
Honestly though I really don't know what is best for my dad. He seems to really not care AT ALL if I or anyone else visits and even sometimes seems upset by it. I stopped calling or texting because he usually doesn't answer his phone and doesn't remember how to read texts or voice mails. I either stop by randomly or put a note on his message board. He always acts surprised to see me, rarely says much about any family news, and I carry the entire conversation. I drop in once a week or so, sometimes with husband or son, and if we don't have lunch the visit lasts 15-20 minutes tops. He never seems happy to see me.
He had a group of friends that had planned to come for dinner but he cancelled at the last minute, saying he was "sick" (pretty sure that was a lie because when I asked him about it he seemed not to remember feeling sick.)
My brother is flying in today from out of state. We have told my dad this over and over and texted and talked about it. (I understand he cannot remember.) Yesterday he called me in a seeming panic. He said "I had no idea K was coming! I told him not to come to dinner tonight, wait until tomorrow that would be better." (Like he had some plans that were interrupted?) He said over and over "well, it's not a problem that he is coming, I just didn't know!" I finally said "Why would it be a problem, aren't you happy to see him?" That seemed to confuse him but he said "yes I'm happy to see I'm but I just didn't know he was coming!"

I have a theory about dementia- that it brings out the worst qualities of a person and exacerbates them. My dad has always been very set in his ways- insisted on the same restaurants, would always order the same thing, refused to try new foods, wanted to take the same vacations etc. And he has his routine in the facility and visits disrupt this.

So while I will continue to visit and encourage others to do so is there anything I'm missing that would make things easier for my dad? I don't want every visit to cause him stress, but I don't want to abandon him either.

terei · August 6

Some people realize they are a trigger to the PWD acting out. A friend’s mom became severely agitated when she visited so she eventually settled for visiting the facility and talking to other residents while keeping an eye on mom or observing her from a vantage point where her mom couldn’t see her. Have you tried bringing something special he likes when you visit? My mom LOVED onion rings and she would light right up when she saw me with them. Mini ice cream drumsticks were also a hit. As far as your brother visiting, I would just say ‘this is the only day he can come’ and shut down any push back from dad.

FrancieNolan · August 6

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/279258#Comment_279258

Thank you. It hasn't reached the point yet of him being severely agitated but I will keep that in mind for the future. I haven't brought him anything because he eats a lot at the facility and honestly he eats too much sweet food and soda that they don't limit haha. But that is a thought…
My brother is here all weekend and we will visit a couple times, so it doesn't matter if he doesn't stop by tonight. I just wish I could understand how a brain like my dad's works. If I hadn't seen one of my kids for a few months I would want them to come by the minute they got off the plane. He didn't seem to care.

jen ht · August 6

Hi @FrancieNolan

My visits bring stress, unfortunately.

I do bring treats for dad and I do keep visits very short. I try to reframe my thinking (sometimes I am more successful than others) to think of my visit as more of a check in to see him with my own eyes and to check his supplies. It took me a while to reframe in this way. It is so hard.

Take care,

Jen

H1235 · August 7

I don’t tell mom about anything in advance. I know that even if I do she is probably still going to forget and be mad I didn’t tell her. I tell her last minute and then apologize of not telling her earlier. Visits - I don’t know. They can be tough. I also feel like I lead the conversation. I do that while also trying to avoid and topics that might cause anger. If I talk about working in my garden she will be upset that she can’t work in her garden at her house, if I talk about going out to dinner with my husband she gives a big heavy sign and tells me her and dad used to like that restaurant. I could go on and on. It seems everything is a sore subject. Many with dementia have what called the flat effect. A lack of emotion. That may be what you are seeing. I don’t know how often is best to visit. I have settled on about once a week. If the weather is nice I will take her out to lunch. She sometimes goes through stretches where she is very grumpy. During these time my visits a shorter (no lunch) and more like every week and a half. I also bring snacks. She said she misses fresh fruit, so I sometimes bring fruit. Or a slice of homemade zucchini bread or something. Sometimes I bring a baggie with sliced cheese and crackers. My mom is diabetic and I try to keep snacks semi healthy. She gets a lot of sweet treats at the facility. I have also said that dementia seems to bring out my moms less flattering character traits. It makes it hard to know if it’s dementia or just mom unfiltered. Don’t worry about what others are doing as far as visits go. Do what works for you and your dad.

j2025 · August 7

I feel bad when I leave my mom because she cries and wants me to stay the night which is not allowed in her facility so I spend the night with a friend and visit several times during the two days. I know know if this helps but it’s worth a try especially if you live close by. I’d also consult with his neurologist and see if they have any suggestions. Maybe a change in his meds?

April23 · August 7

As the disease progresses, conversation skills diminish. I don’t think it stems from lack of caring, it just becomes too much effort for them. This could be why he cancelled the visit with friends and wanted to know about the visit in advance so he could “prepare.”

What I did when this started was try to make the visits more structured with an activity or meal so that you’re not just sitting around trying to have conversation. There was a cooking show he loved so we watched that together for months until he was no longer able to follow and that with a snack was our visit.

I have seen this same indifference develop toward me from my dad, it seems common. I have shortened my visits to no more than a half hour unless there is something else going on I need to take care of. Like Jen, my visits now consist mostly of taking care of administrative needs and a quick check in.

Visits causing stress?

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