Caring for a parent

j2025 · August 7

My Mom move to an assisted living in May for mild cognitive impairment. She was forgetting her meds and was finding it difficult to balance her check book. I really wanted her to move in with me, but she insisted on her independence which I respect. She was worried she’d be forced to move off campus when the time came to need assistant living, that she decided to move as soon as an apartment she liked became available or as she says, “before she loses her mind”. I find that I am more stressed worrying about her care there then when she was in independent living for over 5yrs. Maybe because it’s so much money to live there, I feel it wasted? There she had friends who knew her and interacted with her daily. Now, this new routine of her having to make new friends, new activities and when and how she gets her medications is stressful for her. She’s so bothered that she can’t remember her new friend’s names and they don’t either because most have dementia. She moved in May, how long will it take for her to adjust? The team there thinks she’s doing great, but will I ever feel free of worry? It’s just a lot. I just want her to be well cared for and loved. Thanks for your encouragement!

j2025 · August 7

lilacgirl · August 7

I think your mom gave you a tremendous gift by making the choice to live in AL instead of with you! But I understand the constant worry. My mom moved into AL in April and I don't think I ever will be "free of worry," And it's certainly not perfect; there's a lot she does not love about it, and it is still involves a lot of caregiving on my part. But, all things considered, I can't imagine a scenario that could possibly work better for us (her and my whole family) as far as keeping her safe and the rest of us keeping our sanity!

The medication routine is stressful for my mom, too, but she is adapting to it, and she definitely was not taking her meds appropriately on her own! I know if she was living with me, she would not want me to be in charge of meds, either, so I know she is where she needs to be.

And as far as making friends, all it takes is one! My mom took awhile, but she finally has a sweet friend that I think has really helped to improve her outlook.

Just keep loving her and being her advocate and understand that we can't fix everything for our PWD. As long as she is safe and feels loved, you are doing what you can do!

pjasso · August 8

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76778/caring-for-a-parent

It's hard, and I'm sorry you are going through this. My mom (ALZ, mild-mod) moved into Assisted Living 3 years ago and it took her a few months to get comfortable. There were many ups and downs. Now, 3 years later she considers it home and likes it. She may not remember residents' names, but she recognizes them as tablemates and she had made a couple of "friends"whom she does know their names. It's hard, but let some time go by and hopefully she will find it is "home" for her too.

caregiving daughter · August 9

Change is really hard for all of us but especially for someone with dementia. The assisted living really should have done some sort of assessment to assure you and your mom that it was a fit. You are likely right in questioning the situation. If your mother cannot manage getting to the dining room for meals, taking her meds at the correct time (I read into your post that maybe the meds are now be delivered so that could work), or remembering a neighbor's name such that she gets some socialization, it may be more appropriate to look at memory care. Folks with dementia may be very scared to enter a conversation because they know they can't keep up—they don't know why but they feel intimidated. Your comment that most residents have dementia is somewhat concerning as assisted living, again, may not be a match. I was told folks with dementia may be fine in assisted living if they were there for years and got use to the routine. I get that the employees are saying she is doing fine—just ensure that they are not just trying to keep the beds full. I would assume that there is some kind of record-keeping on who makes it to the dining room. If there is not, you really do need to find another objective way to measure whether this is the correct fit. Please hang in there.

Caring for a parent

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