Feeling guilty when out
I’m fortunate to be able to have hired help with my wife. I usually have someone here from around noon to 4 most days. I really feel guilty when I leave to have lunch with a friend or just to go do errands. I can no longer take her anywhere and get out of the car with her although I try to make sure she gets at least one ride in during the day. But even those can be difficult. I just think of her here, at home, either on her feet wandering around the house, or taking a walk with the helper or sleeping. I dunno. It just sucks. I don’t like using that word but it seems to fit.
Comments
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you have to keep sane too by getting out. I’ve been there. Don’t feel guilty. My husband is in memory care now and the doctor asked me if I took my husband for rides in the car or for a walk for him or for myself I did have to ponder this question as my husband has no idea where he is and is in early stage 7. I guess I do it for us both because I feel bad he’s in there. But we shouldn’t feel guilty as we are all doing the best we can with the cards we’ve been dealt
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I hear ya. I’ve been putting off care now for more than 6 years. I’m at my wits end but every time I go to care. com the freaking guilt settles in and I can’t push the button. I too wonder what will he think or do with me not here. I know it shouldn’t but it still tears my heart up to pull the trigger. Maybe today I will. It really does suck and no you shouldn’t feel guilty. You are an amazing person. Hugs to you💙💕
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You have to take care of yourself in order to take care of your wife. Burning yourself out does nothing to help you or caring for your wife. This is the best gift you can give your wife. It will give you a much needed break and chance to recharge.
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I hear you. I take DW to an Enrichment Center twice a week for a few hours and I am always anxious about it and feel guilty. I use the time to get all the errands ran and chores done I cannot do with DW anymore. On the bright side the little break does help me breathe a little bit. It seems to give me more patience and compassion for the rest of the day. I know we are supposed to take care of ourselves, but I have a hard time trying to "take a break" and not be thinking about DW.
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Dear persevere….you gave me advice once that really hit home. No guilt about caregiving. We must do what we must do and that absolutely includes getting some respite. Respite is vital for both of you, because you are an even better caregiver after getting a bit of it.
Hugs.
Cindy
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Guilt should not stop you from doing the things you know are for the best. I am the queen of guilt - have been all my life - so I know what you’re feeling. You can’t get rid of it but you can try not to make it rule your decisions.
I think @Michele P said it perfectly:You have to take care of yourself in order to take care of your wife. Burning yourself out does nothing to help you or caring for your wife. This is the best gift you can give your wife. It will give you a much needed break and chance to recharge.
I will also add something I put in another response this morning. You don’t REALLY know what the 24 hour caregiving is doing to you until you’re not doing it full time anymore. I only realized it after I placed DH in MC and again after he passed. You get into a mode or a rhythm as a caregiver and you don’t think about yourself anymore. But deep down it is silently affecting you biologically, physiologically, emotionally.
Please don’t let guilt prevent you from doing what you need to do for yourself.5 -
yes, I already know I have lost several years off my timeline. I hear you.
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You need to press the button. Many times I just hang around the house and do things inside and out. Even if it’s for just a few hours you need it. I’ve had my helper for a year now and she has really bonded with my DW. This helps me immensely. And if you get the right person then you have someone to talk to also.
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Time and space for you is so necessary, but it is so not easy to do, I hear you. I am in training at the moment, I have a caregiver who meets DH and myself at Sailability for two hours. I am on site but because the carer is their for my DH i just leave them I am then able to take others sailing, crew on the support boat and help with all the morning introductions, chat have a coffee knowing that the responsibility of DH is in the careers hands. It’s unbelievably good. I have just organised the carer to come to our place on a Friday afternoon for one hour, so far I have stayed at home but in the garden out of sight, generally making phone calls to friends that I can’t do easily anymore. DH wasn’t too happy after today but I’m determined to continue and practice not feeling guilty. Work whatever help you can get to suit your needs and don’t feel guilty, it will payoff big time. Good luck.
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This is just a PS on feeling guilty I was musing over this during the night.
It all depends on your approach, for 24 hours a day we give of ourselves, if we have the chance to take one or two of those hours for ourselves there should be no guilt attached. It’s definately a mind game. Be strong.5 -
I feel guilty brushing my teeth because I cannot get DW to brush hers. It is defiantly a mind game.
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Keep it up biggles. My current helper has been with me for a year. She is very affectionate with my wife and I would encourage you to encourage your helper to do the same with your DH. Touch is what they understand best at this point. Lots of hugs. Keep going even if DH pushes back. If the helper is good it will work.
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Thank you
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Thank you @persevere ….i pushed the button today and just got a call from some nice lady. I’m scared but my first respite day will be Thursday so I can go to the knee doctor by myself. Yikes!!!
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Some readers may disagree, but I suspect there isn't a single person who uses this forum who should feel guilty. When our spouses or LO were healthy, we likely did things that made us feel guilty, but it didn't demoralize us.
But now, we have committed ourselves to supporting our LO and that is a HUGE commitment. And assuming we are all doing what we feel can, there is no room for guilt. We can never do enough to make the illness go away.
As much as it can feel that we have sacrificed lives for her/his, I don't think that we have. It has definitely changed our lives, and we wish it hadn't happened. But reality resets our lives.
So good luck to all but be nice to yourselves. You are an awesome person to take on this job.
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wose , so glad you are taking this step. If you’re going to be stepping out that first day just don’t get discouraged if it doesn’t go well. If you see the caregiver has a kind heart just give it some time. Feel free to email me if you want to talk offline.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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