Should I tell my mom that one of her best friends has died?

I am sorry you have this predicament to face. I think your telling her or not is dependent on your knowing your mom and her current level of awareness. I just told my mom about the death of a close family friend.

She said, "Oh really?" Got confused about, and fixated on, the car crash details. She then ascribed the death to someone else, and very shortly thereafter forgot who we were even talking about and went on to some other non related topic. Word of advice: don't be surprised if the death announcement is not received as something consequential or of importance to her…ijs🫂

@kzwilliams

Funerals are a tough one to figure out— there are so many moving parts and no do-over if you make the wrong call resulting in genuine pain for your LO.

For someone in the earlier stages of dementia, many feel the respectful choice is to inform the PWD of the passing. Once. It might "stick"— news with a strong emotional component often does in earlier stages. If she forgets, you'd just deflect around the news to avoid the worst version of Groundhog Day ever.

Others take a more protective approach sparing their LO any painful information that a PWD would not have the bandwidth to process emotionally.

Your options, as I see them:

Don't tell mom. If she finds out from friends, you can feign ignorance. This might mean she doesn't have the needed support when she gets the news.

You could share the news but not attend the visitation or funeral. Or attend just the one you think would be easier on her.

If you do go, you'll want to be ready to leave quickly if mom's overwhelmed or if her behavior (lack of social filter or forgetting it's not a party in the usual sense) is upsetting to the family.

You know your mom best, trust your gut on this.

HB

This is a tough one, and there are no “rules,” just your best judgment based on your knowledge of your mom and the situation.

A relative of my LOWD (stage 6) died last month. I told him. Once. He understood, was sorry but not upset, and said, “What must we do?” I suggested sending cards to the deceased’s children; I had cards with me, and we did that immediately. He signed his name. Even during that task he lost track of who had died, who the children were, etc. I have never mentioned it again. I went to the funeral myself and sent flowers from my family and my LOWD. That worked out for us.

The thoughts others have offered seem very good to me. There’s whether to tell her (one decision), and there’s whether to take her to the funeral (another choice). As for the latter, I’d consider the impact on her and also on the grieving family. Can she manage the trip? Can you manage it with her? Will she understand the emotional tone of the event? For whose benefit is it for her to be there?

In earlier years I sometimes went to family funerals just because it was too hard for me to travel to pick up my declining dad and then take him to a funeral and then back home (in the example I have in mind, this involved three states). In that case I said, “I will go to represent the family.” That sufficed, although at the time he regretted his absence—and some of the family told me I should have brought him…and even volunteered to drive through the night to go get him themselves. It was hard work for me to put a stop to that. But I did.

In other words, these things are difficult. Make decisions you think are best for your mom, for yourself, and for the family in mourning. You know best. We are with you!

Makes sense to me. I have mixed Alzheimer’s Disease in moderate stage and Vascular Disease and Dad has same but in last stage.

I guess I would ask her if she remembers the person by name. If she says no, I would not tell her. If she says yes, I would only tell her the person passed away and nothing else unless she specifically asks. I say this because you mentioned she gets upset in such surroundings. My 90 year old father in law likes to go to restaurants, and just stares at the people around and does not mingle with anyone but asked. He loves hugs from mainly females. I am 72 years old different, I will converse with dad, but when we do not have much to say, I either stare out a window or at a TV screen or at a wall. I do not want hugs and kisses from anyone and when there is a lot of people around me I am extremely nervous and agitated. I am not aggressive since I am medicated for that, but I still do not want to be around people I do not know. When we go to restaurants, he miss his meal and drinks for 3 hours, while I am done in the first hour, and am not happy to feel I am forced to be there for 3 hours. I feel more comfortable at home.