Exhausted

Cmcard · August 18

Hello,
New to this group. My husband of 29 years has dementia. Not sure what stage but after seeing symptoms for at least three years I made him get tested. He is in complete denial. Blames me and accuses me of poisoning the minds of family and friends and doctors against him. Although they all see the issue as well. He has the blood test confirming, and neurology orders. He recently failed his driving test, and this has made my life even harder if that’s possible. And that’s my fault too even though the test was ordered by his physician.
He's angry and verbally abusive much of the time.
I have to work to keep us afloat and I just started a new job, and the stress of managing him and a new job is killing me.
All I can think of is how to escape this, but I don’t want to abandon him. If I stay I think his level of anger and animosity toward me and the stress truly will kill me.
I’m truly at a loss as to what I can do at this point.
I am getting weekly counseling from a dementia expert, and it helps a lot. I’ve been told if his anger escalates and I’m afraid of him to call the police. Which I can’t imagine. He’d just flip the script and be sweet as pie when they got there.
Exhausted beyond belief.

mspnd · August 18

I can relate to how you feel. My DH has been on the decline for a few years and now has an appointment with a neurologist this coming Friday. In the meantime he’s verbally abusing me. Everything he’s experiencing is my fault. He accuses me of plotting to kill him. If I’m in charge of his care, in his words “he’s f@cked”

My DH refuses to attend any planned outings to include the theatre, vacations, etc. he states it’s not the outings or vacations he doesn’t want to do, it’s my presence that he has a problem with. He would do the outings and vacations if I could be eliminated. Everything he says is hurtful and according to the Alzheimer support line, I can’t take it personally .

This disease is cruel. I’m just starting this journey and have to navigate what lies ahead, his care, protecting our assets, the what ifs for care, it’s just so overwhelming.

H1235 · August 18

Welcome I would talk with your husband’s doctor about his anger towards you. Medication may help. You might try recording this bad behavior and sharing that with the doctor. I assume any conversation in front of your husband would be very difficult. A patient portal works well. Maybe call the office to see what the best way to get them information. Have all the legal matters been addressed? A DPOA is very important. Have you considered a facility? Sometimes dementia is just too much to handle in a home environment. Since you are new I will attach a few resources that might be helpful.

understanding-the-dementia-experience.pdf

Anosognosia and Dementia - AgingCare.com.pdf

DBAT.pdf

https://iona.org/therapeutic-fibs-ok/

https://www.helpinghandshomecare.co.uk/care-advice/what-is-show-timing-in-dementia-patients/

Michele P · August 18

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76870/exhausted

Welcome. Safety is number one. You might not be safe. If you have not consulted with an Elder Law attorney, do so immediately to get your legal documents in order. I agree with others that you should contact his neurologist through the patient portal with specific symptoms and behaviors your husband is exhibiting. If you can video tape any of his anger, it would help. There is medication that could help with his anger and symptoms. I would also get a plan b in place in the event you can no longer care for him. This involves touring assisted living and memory care facilities and placing him on a waitlist.

annie51 · August 18

Others have given some great advice here. Medication does seem necessary at this point. You can’t live like this - as you say that constant stress added to a new job is too much. Your health and safety is important. Document behaviors and record them if possible. If he can get to a doctor that documentation can help them see what you’re dealing with, or as others suggested, use a patient portal to send notes without your husband knowing. Sending hugs and prayers.

tboard · August 18

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76870/exhausted

I am sorry you are going through this. My DH with mixed dementia was often aggressive. He would call me names and scream at me. I did reach a point where I felt as though I could not care for him anymore but recognized that his behavior was because of a disease and he could not help it. I retired two years earlier than I planned because I could not care for him and work. He is now in late stage dementia and in a memory care unit and receiving hospice care. I am paying for it with my 401K until that runs out. At that point I'll probably go back to work. None of this is easy. I can say that since he went into memory care I have a lot more free time and I enjoy my time with him much more than I did when I was caring for him at home. We have been married for 46 years and most days I miss having him at home. I miss who he used to be. Dementia is a horrible disease.

SDianeL · August 21

what helped me was the book “The 36 Hour Day” and online dementia caregiving videos by Teepa Snow or Tam Cummings. Also a comment I learned here. “You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken.”

DebJ15 · August 21

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76870/exhausted

Your story sounds like mine except my husband still drives. My income from SS and pension is 1/3 of his. This is a second marriage, I was a stay at home mom for 20 years, and he insisted that I retire at 62. I became a germaphobe during Covid, which makes him get even angrier at me. We each have 3 adult children and 12 grandchildren, none of them help, except for 1 grandson and my middle son. I recently broke my humerus bone and shoulder, and he has made my life hell for 4 months.

harshedbuzz · August 21

@Cmcard

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

Others have covered many of the points I would, but I have 2 thoughts. The first is that you may need him medicated to dial back his aggressive if he is to remain at home with you. I would suggest a geriatric psychiatrist if you can manage it.

If his agitation progresses into aggression, violence or threats of harm to himself or anyone else, call 911 and have him taken to the ER. He can't play "sweet as pie" if you've hit the record button on your phone. Inhome cameras can be even better. His "SAP" is showtiming; when a PWD can temporarily get their act together and appear more with-it than their typical baseline. My dad did this. When his geripsych refused a much-needed increase in his medication, I purposely triggered him into a rage and made a video of his ranting and threats which I emailed. It did the trick.

HB

Exhausted

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