The struggles when living in a very rural location - have you been there?

countrywife · August 22

Just a little backstory to start…..My 70 yo DH was formally diagnosed with ALZ about a yr ago. His dr doesn’t think identifying stage is all that important. But in looking at the dbat, I would say he most definitely falls into stage 4 with a couple of things in stage 5. He probably can’t tell me the day of the week but since retiring that hasn’t been unusual. Working kept him more focused on a calendar if that makes sense.

Today he was telling me quite a confabulation. He began with a comment that made me ask if this was about a dream he had. He said, no it was real life. In the past he has mixed up stories but I’m beginning to see these confabulations more often - not daily, but maybe every couple of weeks depending on conversations we are having.

We live on a family farm where DH grew up. He is very comfortable at this location. Shows no sign of wandering or confusion. He no longer drives. We are 10 miles from a small town and 60 miles from a larger city where I see my dr/dentist/etc. Any trips there take me a min of 4-5 hrs. I have felt comfortable leaving him and calling him while I’m on the road. I also do some weekly volunteer work in the small town and am away from the house about the same 4-5 hrs. I take him with me on most errands if he’s interested or when it’s appropriate. He has no interest watching me volunteer of course. There are no adult day programs even if he would be willing to attend.

There is always a risk when leaving him. Of course, there was before he was diagnosed. Things can happen to cognizant people when there’s no one around - heart attacks, falls, etc. The time is coming when I won’t be able to leave him alone. I can ask a friend to come visit but until he’s much less cognizant, having someone come for 4-5 hrs isn’t comfortable for the friend or my husband. There is no perfect solution or one size fits all.

I’m not sure what I’m asking for exactly but maybe just wondering if there is someone else out there who is dealing with this living situation and getting examples of how you handled it. Thank you for sharing.

Chance Rider · August 22

Our situation sounds very much like yours. My husband is early stage 5, doesn’t drive, hasn’t shown any desire to wander off our rural property, though he can (slowly, mostly shuffling) walk my GSD. The nearest town is about 45 minutes away, though there are a couple of small convenience stores.
Right now I can leave my husband at home alone for 4 hours or so. The VA has arranged for a local organisation to provide up to 8 hours a week of assistance. I don’t feel he needs constant supervision yet, though know it’s coming. Not sure what the “companion” would do here for a few hours at this stage as my husband sleeps a lot during the day.
I don’t have any wisdom to share at this point, but I understand the dilemma. I’m right there with you.

KDSG · August 22

Dear Countrywife,

We also live in a rural area. My DH no longer drives but I also do some volunteer work and meet friends for lunch and walks. I can leave him but he has a watch from Bay Alarm medical which is connected to 911 and would automatically call 911 if he falls. We pay a monthly fee. We also have a lock box on the front door. The fire department has the code so they can get in the house if I am not home. My husband is a solid 5 with some behaviors in 6. I feel comfortable leaving him for 4/5 hours, though I do call him several times. He does not wander or leave the house.

persevere · August 23

Have you tried care.com or an agency like home instead. Even though you live in a rural area you still might have someone that lives nearby who provides services. And even if they are 30 minutes to an hour away if you’re giving them sufficient hours they will be willing to do it.

trottingalong · August 23

I, too am in a similar position. I can leave daily for approximately 2 hours, sometimes a bit longer. My husband also has COPD. It’s a real catch 22 for me as he advances.

Dirigo · August 23

We also live in a rural area, in Maine. My DH is around stage 5. I cannot leave him alone at all, unless it’s to go down to the garden to get vegetables. He is very anxious when I am not around and wants to be with me most of the time. He even sits in the waiting room if I have an appointment. I get free time when he is at one of his activities: at the gym, at the senior center, when one of our children comes to give me a break. I do a lot of driving , lots of 25 mile round trips to the nearest town. We listen to audio books in the car. He has had some accidents around the stove (ask me about the now-dead burner that had a pot of pasta water dumped on it rather than in the sink!), is unsteady on his feet and thus is a fall risk, and also has cardiac disease. Too many things could go wrong if he were alone. We have a pretty good routine and I am looking forward to football season !! which will divert him for hours. This will change, I know, but it is where we’re at.

Goodlife2025 · August 23

We are also somewhat rural here in Colorado although much closer to town than most of you. Living on our hobby farm DW (age 50) is in late stage 5 early 6. She is still very active. I have not been able to leave her alone for more than a few minutes for a long time now. She does not wander off property but certainly believes she can still "do things". Depending on how your LO spends their time it may be other things you need to consider.

In just this past year my DW started a fire in our fire pit with gasoline and almost set herself on fire. Dismantled 4 different chain saws at one time. I walked into the tool shed to find that present waiting for me abandoned by her because of course that was overwhelming once she had them apart. Filled the lawnmower with oil instead of fuel. Big cost to repair that one. If you have tractor find a way to disable if you think it may be an issue.

Because we spend so much time outside - I am looking at hiring a person to help us; I think DW will accept this version. They will be doing some of our little projects with the understanding DW is participating/helping. We have some fence repairs and painting - plan to run errands during these times as soon as I have it settled.

Not sure any of this helps but I am with you in feeling the atypical things of a more rural lifestyle. 😛

ARIL · August 23

I’ll add one more thing: when my dad was living in a very rural area, I found his Area Agency on Aging to be useful in helping me identify what services were available. In the US, there’s an agency for every locale; I found his listed on the web at a state-level site.

I also hired a home aide for a while through one of the national agencies. Although the office was 60 miles away, they did have a few caregivers who lived closer.

countrywife · August 23

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/280617#Comment_280617

College football especially is a favorite. I was thinking about taping some and turning it on when I am away. Even if it’s a replay, he’d watch and be engaged. ❤️

tboard · August 23

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76914/the-struggles-when-living-in-a-very-rural-location-have-you-been-there

I used to take my DH with me whenever I left the house for more than 30 minutes. They do get to a stage where they can not be left alone. Eventually he got to a stage where he wouldn't get out of the car if I brought him with which limited where I could co and for how long on the very hot days and the very cold days. Eventually I had to have someone stay with him when I left the house. Today he is in Memory care which means I can come and go as I please.

FarmerGF · August 23

Same situation except my SO lives on his farm and I live in mine about a mile away. No cell coverage so no medical alert service will work. Wi-Fi only good when near the house.

My SO can still mostly take care of his own needs, but I keep a close eye on him. The biggest challenge now are his sundowning which leads to hallucinations and delusions about young men being in his property every night.

Not sure what type of third party help would work in my situation, but I am depressed about having to babysit a man in his 80s. He gets bored now that he doesn't do fieldwork. He still has a cow and her last two calves that he cares for. The other day he asked me to go to the auction for a bull to breed them. I said absolutely no. Old farmers don't quit.

Dirigo · August 24

Football, hen heh. My DH can’t use a computer any more so he has taught me how to place a sports bet. Hence, I am now a bookie.

annie51 · August 24

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/280706#Comment_280706

I got a chuckle out of this!

Ed's mom · August 24

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/280617#Comment_280617

I'm also in Maine, there are quite a few of us here.

countrywife · August 25

Thank you everyone for the nice replies. It might not be fair, but I often feel left out of some conversations when others talk about taking their LO to day activities for respite or running an errand in 30 minutes. But this is the life we chose when healthy and it’s where he is most comfortable. He has been able to stay physically active on the farm and life would look grim for him if he was confined to a small city lot at this point. We all have our crosses to bear and things for which we are grateful. I appreciate having this site for sharing. ❤️

Dirigo · August 25

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/280739#Comment_280739

Where in Maine?

The struggles when living in a very rural location - have you been there?

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