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Taking care of 91 year old mother

mzeitoun
mzeitoun Member Posts: 1 Member
in Caring for a Parent
It’s been 2-3 years since her anger started kicking in. I am only son, she lives alone. She has VD and perhaps some Alz. I am at wits end. Have joined support groups, 1x1 therapy, have a supporting wife and son. But LO continues to accuse me of stealing, hiding, ignoring abandoning. Every conversation is bad. I am there 3 x a week and I have a full time job. She refuses help because she denies her condition. She threatens legal action, she threatens running away. She doesn’t even have a cell phone or email address she checks. What is hurtful is that I can’t see light ant end of tunnel. Overwhelmed.

Comments

  • H1235
    H1235 Member Posts: 2,339
    1,000 Likes 1,000 Insightfuls Reactions 500 Care Reactions 1000 Comments
    Member

    Welcome. Is she living alone. With the symptoms you are describing, this doesn’t seem safe. Does anyone hold a DPOA. If yes, it’s time to act, if no, I would see a lawyer about guardianship. Many with dementia have anosognosia. This is an inability to recognize their symptoms or limitations. I doubt there will ever come a time when she recognizes that she needs care. There are very few people with dementia that would ever say i need to move to a facility, im not safe to live alone. The person with the DPOA has a responsibility to keep them safe (even if it goes against their dementia twisted wishes). With the DPOA I signed all the paperwork for the facility. My brother insisted we tell mom in advance of the move and it was pretty ugly. I’ll be honest, 2 years later and she can still get grumpy with me about it, but she is alive. If I had not moved her she probably would have burned the house down by now (with her inside). Many here have said they use a fib. They tell their lo they are going in for therapy, there is something wrong with the house (burst pipe, mold, termites) and you have found her a temporary place. Her brain is not working right. Trying to convince her of anything is really pointless. Do what you can to comfort her and reassure her (even if your not being completely honest with her). I know this sounds awful, but behind her back, do what needs to be done. If she is agitated and angry I would talk with her doctor about medication. The right medicine will not turn her into a zombie. Had the doctor declared her incompetent to make decisions for herself. If might be good to ask for this in a document form. Discussing these things in front of her will not go well. I have found a patient portal works well. I have also handed a note for the doctor to the receptionist. I will attach a few resources.

    DBAT.pdf
    Anosognosia and Dementia - AgingCare.com.pdf

    https://iona.org/therapeutic-fibs-ok/

    https://www.helpinghandshomecare.co.uk/care-advice/what-is-show-timing-in-dementia-patients/

  • Victoriaredux
    Victoriaredux Member Posts: 337
    250 Likes 250 Insightfuls Reactions 100 Comments 25 Care Reactions
    Member

    Hi-

    Glad you found this site. You were given good readings from H1235,

    There is also a free resource :

    "Get Help and Support, Day or Night (800.272.3900)

    The Alzheimer’s Association is here all day, every day for people facing
    Alzheimer’s and other dementia through our free 24/7 Helpline
    (800.272.3900). Talk to a dementia expert now and get confidential
    emotional support, local resources, crisis assistance and information in
    over 200 languages. It's ok if you don't know where to start. Just give
    us a call and we'll guide you from there."

    They can discuss approaches to issues small and large and if a social worker isn't available one can call you back for a more in depth conversation.

    From what you've written you Mom needs to have another person oversee her and her care for her safety. She may never understand the need. As the closest person to her her damaged brain may now and for a long time view you as the source of her situation. The disease is terrible. A PWD of mine took out everything on her only child- they had been so sweet and tender before . Fortunately near the end she recognized him and expressed love but it wasn't easy.

    Getting to an elder law attorney to pursue a conservatorship if she doesn't have legal documents already if the safest path for the both of you.

    Do you know who her Doctor is , without a healthcare proxy they may not be able to disclose to you but they can accept your input about your concerns.

    Are you helping with her finances now? If you don't have her DPOA already stay legal but try to sniff out how she's doing . A lot of places will tell you if an account is current - property taxes are public record, utilities may over the phone .If things are falling to the way side document them -that will hopefully speed up any court action.

    I call these the blender days - everything up in the air twirling . Getting legal input and planning for her future care will help.

  • atl86
    atl86 Member Posts: 31
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Likes 5 Care Reactions
    Member

    Feeling overwhelmed is completely normal in your situation. I've been there time and time again. I have to remind myself to take it one day at a time to stay sane. Also, your LO's behavior is not at all unusual for a person with dementia. It's not her that is talking; it is the disease. The other posters are absolutely correct in that your LO cannot continue to live alone. Trying to convince her that her living situation needs to change will not work. The logic part of her brain is not functioning anymore.

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
Read more

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