mother, 86 years with dementia

DinahK · August 23

My mother is now blaming my daughter for missing items in her home, trouble she is having with her computer and constantly threatening punishment if these issues are not resolved. She gets very agitated and cannot process. She lives alone in the midwest and her family is on the east coast. I am trying to figure out how to de-escalate the situation and calm her down while helping her address her issues. Need advice!

H1235 · August 24

Welcome. This board doesn’t get as many views as some of the others. Feel free to post in one of the others if you don’t get many responses. Many people with dementia have anosognosia. This is the inability (their brain won’t let them) to recognize their symptoms or limitations. Because of this they often blame other people for their inability to remember or understand. Anger, anxiety and agitation are common. Very few will ever recognize they need care and are not safe to live alone. Because they are so convinced there is nothing wrong with them, they can be very confident around other. Leading other people to believe they are more capable than they really are. This is called show timing. Here are a few things that have worked for me with my mom. The right medication helped a lot and it didn’t turn her into a zombie. Do what needs to be done to keep her safe without asking her or trying to convince her or even talking about it with her. The number one rule most of us live by here is, never try to reason with a person with dementia. If it will calm her down and alleviate some of her stress, use a fib. Pick your battles, if it doesn’t matter, just let it go. Apologize for everything and just accept the blame (it stinks). When I have been backed into a corner by mom I have apologized and hung up or just left. One of the most important things to do early on is to see a lawyer and make sure she has assigned a durable power of attorney. This is very important! If there is a DPOA already assigned, it sounds like it’s time for that person to step in and get her out of her home and into a safe environment. As DPOA I signed all the paperwork for my mom to go to assisted living. She barely spoke with me for weeks after, but she was safe. We all want our loved one to be happy and independent, but safety has to come first in my opinion. I will add a few links that might be helpful.

DBAT.pdf

alzheimers-dementia-home-safety-checklist.pdf

https://iona.org/therapeutic-fibs-ok/

https://www.helpinghandshomecare.co.uk/care-advice/what-is-show-timing-in-dementia-patients/

caregiving daughter · August 26

How old is your daughter? If she is eighteen or older, I would recommend you both try to find as much education as possible. It is not your mom's fault and she may continue to exhibit this behavior. I could not follow who is in what area of the country.

If your daughter is not an adult, the situation is very different. A child is not going to be able to disconnect from hurtful behavior.

Please tell us more.

mother, 86 years with dementia

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