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BettyBoop28705 · August 25

I need some advice regarding my parents and how I can best support them.

My mom has Alzheimer’s, and as a result, my dad has had to pick up much of the slack around the house. He is 92 and I can see that he is wearing out. I have offered to help as much as I can by grocery shopping, preparing meals, running errands, and taking some of the responsibilities off his shoulders.

The difficult part is that my mom is fighting me every step of the way. She has refused to let me make meals for them every day and says she “might allow it” once a week. She will say that she might want to go to the grocery store, but when the day comes, she doesn't want to go and ends up sending my dad by himself. He has neuropathy in his feet and really doesn't need to be driving if it can be avoided.

The same thing happens with Walmart orders. She won't allow us to have non-perishable items delivered because she says she “might want to go to Walmart,” but then she doesn't want to go and sends my dad instead. She also doesn't want her medications delivered because she likes getting out and about, but when it comes time to go, she sends my dad to pick them up on his own.

Her refrigerator is also full of expired and spoiled food. When I try to clean it out and get rid of things that are no longer safe to eat, she fights me on that as well.

This past Sunday, I brought them some leftovers for dinner. There was turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, and a small chicken breast—more than enough for the two of them to have a good meal. My mom only took the small chicken breast, cut it in half, and that is what they each had for dinner.

She tells me that she doesn't want me cooking for them or bringing them leftovers because, for her mental health, she needs to be able to cook for herself. I completely understand wanting to maintain her independence, and I don't want to take that away from her. At the same time, she is no longer able to safely do many of the things she used to do. My dad is now doing a lot of what she previously handled, while also having to compensate for some of the safety concerns, such as making sure burners aren't left on.

I know we could potentially bring someone into the home full-time, but as a family, we don't feel that we are at that point yet. I am simply trying to step in and help before my dad becomes completely exhausted.

How do I encourage my mom to accept help without making her feel like she is losing her independence? I want her to feel that she is still in control and that I am helping with her rather than taking over. I would really appreciate any advice, suggestions, or strategies for approaching this in a way that preserves her dignity while also keeping both of them safe.

TrumpetSwan · August 25

It sounds like you are doing a good job supporting your dear parents. Blessings to you all.

It seems like when one person in the family is unable to move in the world the same ways they used to, that the spouse takes the most immediate impact, but others feel it too.

The only thing I can think of is to just start making arrangements that may help take the load off your dad that do not require your mother's prior approval. I did something similar for my parents, and they accepted it because it was too late to say no. For example, order groceries to be delivered online every Monday at a particular time. Perhaps there are certain staples (paper towels, bottled juice, Depends, soap, etc.) you know they need routinely and then they will have a comfort level that at least they do not need to run out to get something urgently. Perhaps a few minutes before they are scheduled to be delivered, inform your parents that they need to take the groceries in at XX time. You may be able to do the same with an occasional meal delivery from a local restaurant and just inform your parents that "lunch is going to be delivered on your porch in 15 minutes." If they say they like to go out themselves, you can say that they still can, but they will know they do not HAVE to.

I wish I had something bigger and better to offer. Others will chime in with great ideas.

H1235 · August 25

Many with dementia have anosognosia. This is an inability to recognize their symptoms or limitations. They also sometimes lack empathy. I found that mom in a home environment demanded to do things she was not capable of. It was a constant battle. I can understand you want to keep them in their home as long as possible, but at 92, do you really think your dad is going to able to care for your mom? Even someone without dementia (your dad) can be determined to do things that are just too much for them. I would recommend finding a nice assisted living facility. If you wait til you can convince them it’s necessary it might never happen (anosognosia and stubbornness) and the move will happen after an emergency or tragic event. With dementia you need to do what needs to be done without trying to reason with the person with dementia. She is not capable understanding reason and you will only drive yourself crazy trying. If you’re not ready for Al maybe you could convince her the help is for your dad rather than her (not totally untrue). This brings up another point. Sometimes a fib might be the best way to get a person with dementia to accept additional help or restrictions.

https://iona.org/therapeutic-fibs-ok/

Anosognosia and Dementia - AgingCare.com.pdf

harshedbuzz · August 26

@BettyBoop28705

Oof, this is tough. It sounds like mom has anosognosia.

This isn't the answer to the question you asked, but—

At 92, your main goal is to support dad in his role and that means respite. He'd probably do well if you regularly got mom out of the house. That could be a day program a couple of times a week— you could sell it as "volunteering to help" or "the senior club". Or perhaps you could take mom out for lunch and shopping or a pedicure/hair appointment (or some other high value activity).

Do you have a Plan B? This is critical for all adult children as 1/3 of all caregivers pass before their LO does.

HB

caregiving daughter · August 26

Refusing help when it is clear that there is a critical need is a sign of dementia. There is no point to explaining the logic of your guidance.

I agree with others on getting both your parents the support they need. I would look into daycare for your mom or even placement, to the extent she refuses to leave the house. You may feel horrible for needing to do this but it''s the disease that is horrible.

It is imperative that both be kept safe. They are so fortunate to have you.

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