Partner's Memory and Anger Issues Escalating - I'm Feeling Unsafe

kwrites · August 27

Hi - I am the significant other of someone who is starting to show rapidly increasing cognitive impairment. Since he is not my husband and we do not live together, I don't have much control over finding help for him. He claims to not remember the frequent conversations we've had about the increasing anxiety and agitation over minor things, road rage, repetition of the same questions, and inability to remember recent events or discussions. I've been asking him for months to talk to his doctors about the memory and anger issues, but he claims he forgets to bring it up even though I've encouraged him to write things down. He's adamant that he doesn't want me to accompany him to his appointments.

I have tried to contact his providers to no avail and am considering talking to his children, but I don't have much of a relationship with them and feel that might be overstepping. I don't get the feeling that they are seeing (or are ignoring) the same behaviors I am.

My main concern is that the constant repetition, dysregulated emotions, and inability to navigate simple frustrations is going to create a more dangerous situation for him and for me. He seems more and more obsessed with me in particular, and sometimes calls me dozens of times a day, leaving many voicemails if I don't answer right away. He is not directly abusive, just frantic. If I bring any of this up, he either becomes excessively apologetic (and then forgets) or goes into a depression, sometimes staying in bed all day because he's worried I'm rejecting him.

I've talked to mental health professionals on my own, and their advice is to send letters with my concerns to the provider and the children, stop trying to get him to do anything for himself, and detach for my own protection. That feels harsh, but I admit I am feeling unsafe because he is unable to address these issues and I'm a bit of a target.

I see other threads with people having problems with family members or spouses, but are there any actions I can take to try and get him some help if I am not related to him?

Ed's mom · August 27

If you don't feel safe then trust that feeling because you are not safe. Believe the professionals you have consulted and take steps to protect and help both of you. His behavior borders on illegal harassment, calling dozens of times is wrong and sounds dangerous. My LO can be verbally abusive but my line in the sand is if I am touched or feel unsafe.

Take care of yourself first.

Dio · August 27

Heed the warning signs and advice from professionals. You have no legal power to do anything. The only thing you can do to help him is to let people who have the power to help, aka his children, know of your observations and interactions. It's up to them to take over his care. Perhaps, phrase it as your desire to get him help, suggest that his children spend time with him and develop their own observations. You can't be held responsible for his well being, especially since you don't live together.

terei · August 27

Take the suggestions of the professionals & write the letters to provider and children and ask for their help in getting him to a doctor with one of them. Unless you can obtain DPOA, which is unlikely, I would detach from the situation.

harshedbuzz · August 27

@kwrites

Trust your gut.

The mental health folks are spot on. There is no future in the relationship; you have no standing to make this better and never will. Your best option is to:

1. Disengage entirely.

2. Contact his adult children and APS.

3. If this escalates, don't hesitate to get a protection order against him.

PWD do sometimes harm others.

https://people.com/pa-man-84-accused-of-killing-wife-argument-over-veterinary-bill-8408378

HB

Gig Harbor · August 29

Trust the professionals. It is only going to get worse. His children need to step up and manage his care and they need to get involved as soon as possible. While you are helping him out of the goodness in your heart it is delaying their involvement. You have done what you can and you can be proud of yourself for doing that but let family take over now. I agree with writing the letters especially to his providers.

dayn2nite2 · August 29

This is WAY above your pay grade. You will have no legal authority over him, so it's time to listen to the professionals telling you to disengage from this relationship entirely. Write the letters and certainly contact APS, but you will need to stop taking the calls and engaging with him entirely. It's sad and not at all easy, but it's the best and safest thing for you to do.

Maru · August 30

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76965/partners-memory-and-anger-issues-escalating-im-feeling-unsafe

The advice that the professionals gave you is the best advice,

sandwichone123 · August 30

Borrow his phone to get the kids' contact information, and delete your own phone number from it. I hope most of these things have already been done, and that you have at least blocked calls from his number.

kwrites · September 3

Thanks for the support. I have been holding out hope that he would finally speak to a health care providers about this and there might be some intervention, but now I see that's highly unlikely and I just have to pass this on to the children.

SiberianIris · September 3

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/281426#Comment_281426

People with dementia often also have a condition called "anosognosia", which means they are unable to recognize their own mental or physical illness. This can cause a lot of arguments, because they think all the dementia-related problems are someone else's fault.

Another feature of dementia is the loss of executive functioning, which means they now struggle with planning and follow through. Even if they tell you they'll do something, they'll either forget about it or just no longer have the ability to follow through.

I agree with the recommendations of the mental health professionals you have spoken with.

Partner's Memory and Anger Issues Escalating - I'm Feeling Unsafe

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