His understanding vs reality ... how to respond.

shiawase12 · August 27

My DH is mid to late stage 5 depending on the day (as you all know).

We were invited to dinner by our neighbors, a couple we've known for some time. My DH gave a heavy sigh when I told him and when I asked why he said it was because he couldn't say much (can't keep up with conversations). I said we didn't have to go, but he said he should. So we went.

He was quieter than he would have been before Alz of course, but to me it seemed like he was doing ok.

He did keep trying to jump into the conversation, but of course he wasn't keeping up with the conversation. Our friends were very patient and just went along with whatever he said. Even if stories were off topic etc.

At one point we were talking about some mutual neighbors who had sold their boat as it was just too much to maintain etc at their age. The conversation went on to telling stories of past boats being sold and DH jumped in with his story of how we had sold our boat. Facts were incorrect, but we all just went along with it.

Anyway, after we got home DH says he was surprised to hear our friend was selling his boat. (Even to get that thought out so I could understand what he was talking about took a good 10 minutes).

Then we went back and forth about the conversation and I said that our friend had talked about selling his previous boat and that story, but I didn't think he talked about or planned to sell his current boat.

Finally DH starts in on how all of us do that with him. That after he says something, if it's wrong we don't tell him, we just keep going because we don't want to deal with trying to tell him or get him to understand. That he (my DH) had talked to our friend about him selling his boat, but that our friend had never corrected him.

Of course this led to my DH talking about how this is just how it is now for him.

So should I have just gone along with my DH? Just said "oh wow, I didn't realize he was selling his current boat."?

Should we have just not gone or not go in the future to such outings?

It just seemed like such an innocent question of sorts when DH started with the "I didn't realize he was selling his boat. " He obviously was totally confused on who we were talking about at dinner.

Ughhhh and he wonders why I just don't have some conversations with him at times. Yes, it is exhausting.

What do all of you do?

Thanks for letting me vent, that alone helps some. :)

Ed's mom · August 27

My LO will hear me talking to my dog from two rooms away. She refuses a hearing aid and hears about every fourth word. Then confabulates an entire story around it. Later when telling me our plans or discussing anything, these brilliant, non existent conversations come up. They usually end in an argument when I say "we're not going anywhere" or "I have no idea what you are talking about." She's early stage, might be talking to the original person, it still goes back and forth. I don't know when to go along with things and when to bring up reality. Looking forward to reading responses

White Crane · August 27

It’s best not to argue with him, try to reason with him, or correct him. His ability to reason is broken and it will only lead to frustration. What you can do is acknowledge his feelings. It sounds like he was feeling frustrated and may be worried. I know it’s hard, but I’m glad you’re still seeing other people socially. And it’s nice that the other couple was understanding.

H1235 · August 27

In my experience, if it really doesn’t matter, the person with dementia is just always right. I found sometimes I could correct and she would be fine, but in most cases I would get an eye roll or worse anger. It’s just not worth it.

annie51 · August 27

In my opinion, it would be better to go along with what he says as best you can and not correct him. Somehow go along with his version, or act like you were surprised by it too and say “maybe we heard it wrong?”. In the earlier stages I found it very hard not to correct him but learned by experience it was better to “live in his reality” as they say. It’s great that you have patient friends to socialize with and they will take their cue from you when you’re in conversations together. I was lucky to have some friends like that as well. Keep up the socialization as long as possible with people who maintain his dignity when they’re with him.

notequipped · August 27

While it goes against most of the wisdom out there and is highly dependent on your LO, I would be really honest with your husband and ask him how he would like you to handle it in the future. I think if he knew that it was more to protect him from feeling bad than because you didn’t want to take the time to explain it, he would have less bad feelings about it. This is new to you, too and figuring out what works for both of you takes time. I would explain that you, your neighbors, etc don’t always know the ‘right’ thing to do. It’s hard for you, too. I have seen others mention that it’s not always what is said but the feeling that it’s conveyed with that matters. He needs to feel that you’re on his team if that makes sense.

For us, not talking about ‘it’ leads to big feelings on my Mom’s part. We do use the ‘A’ word - regularly. Giving her time and space to process and letting her have a say in things when appropriate has made for smoother sailing and fewer highly emotional responses. (The only time she has cried about the situation is when she felt that we were treating her like she was stupid - not the word she used but you get the gist.). The phrase if you’ve met one person with AD, you’ve met one person with AD is very true in our case, so this approach may not work for everyone/anyone. Bringing something up when it’s not being actively discussed can feel like poking a hornets nest. Clearing the air has worked out well for us though.

I would not avoid such outings in the future. Socialization and engagement are really good for preserving cognitive function. It’s worth trying to figure out a way to make it work. For both of you.

tonyac2 · August 27

I didn't realize he was selling his current boat."?
Yeah, I didn’t either.

My DH was calmer and less agitated when I lived in his reality. Selling or not selling a boat is not a significant issue. I might have pivoted to the food, “how did you like the pot roast?”

This is a dance no one ever wanted to learn.

Maru · August 27

Most of the time I just go along with what DH is saying, but every now and then I will gently correct him, all depending on the situation.

HowardE · August 27

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76961/his-understanding-vs-reality-how-to-respond

I have adopted the plan of non-correction.

"oh wow, I didn't realize he was selling his current boat."?

I might say - "I heard that". Not correction, not conflicting accounts, just moving on.

Re: Serious conversations, sit and talk if and when lucidity is there, write it down in each ones handwriting. That is something you can point to and say "See? We talked about this".

It's tough, especially if you have a strong-minded partner who understands what's happening. Cuz that's gonna piss them off as well…

Did this same tactic with my Father in the late 90s, it seemed to work to varying degrees. The important things were covered, everyday "reality", well…it's relative. So long as one of the two of you have a grasp on it I don't see any harm in just agreeing and moving on.

If I am offending anyone on this forum, I apologize. I'm new here. Just looking through subjects.

DW - early-ish stages, been coming on a couple of years, and I saw it coming, but recent diagnosis.

LearningCurve · August 28

I err on the side of DH's reality most of the time. The best I can tell, he is in stage 4-5 DBAT scale. DH has had a really difficult time with getting Dr. appts., surgery date/time mixed up. I began asking him to write them down as he is on phone setting them up. He does get reminder texts. I write down the info in fairly large print then post it on the fridge. I also take a photo of the post as well as whatever info he writes. Honestly, we have moments when the whole thing is confusing (I am deaf with hearing aids). Sometimes the two of us are just a mess. Family is 3,000 miles away. It is the DH, 2 dogs, and me.

shiawase12 · August 28

Thank you all for taking the time to give your comments and advice.

I know i need to just go with his reality, not argue etc etc ... it's just so hard to keep that up at all times. And sometimes, less and less now, he seems so "normal" that it's easy to lapse into our old ways. <sigh>

So many times, after the fact, I think why? Why did I feel the need to push reality on him? He already has his own after all.

Thanks for the support and understanding. It really does help to know I'm not alone.

Yesterday he asked where I had been and when I told him that I had been sitting in the sun room he says "i don't know where that is." That hit hard. That he couldn't recognize the room i spoke of. I had to point to it for him. :(

terei · August 29

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76961/his-understanding-vs-reality-how-to-respond

YES, that is exactly what you say…correcting and questioning his statements is only going to get the response you did. He has his own reality and going along with it does absolutely no harm. You will be far less likely to get into these conflicts with him. I used to pretend I was an actress. “ Oh, really? I guess I wasn’t paying attention.” “Huh, imagine that!” It’s hard to let go of rational conversation but you’ll both be a lot happier when you keep your reality based conversations with other people.

His understanding vs reality ... how to respond.

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