Can’t take it
My DH with dementia is driving me stark raving mad. Every single day, multiple times a day, I am looking for a dish towel or the sponge I use to wash dishes. DH takes them outside to dry. I have asked so many times for him to stop it, but it continues. That may sound petty, but add that to all the other things he puts in a different place from where it’s always been. Then add all that by 15 x a day, and well I think you probably have the picture. I have learned to just walk away and blow off steam out of earshot. I don’t always succeed, but I getting better with that. Often I just cry and that actually helps. Thanks for letting me vent.
Comments
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I understand. My LO rearranged the kitchen yesterday. Only I cook, everything is different.
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I feel your pain. I've found olive oil in the refrigerator, rotten pork chops in the microwave, soiled underwear in the bathroom drawer.
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No CharlieS it doesn't sound petty at all. A lot of us have gone through it. It's pretty much a adjustment period you have to go through. Every little decline comes with a caregiver going through a adjustment period according to the decline. Some of them can be very trying. Hang in there.
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My DW does the very same thing. All we can do is roll with the punches.
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Potholders of all things!!! … All gone today. Then DH put laundry tide pod in the dishwasher 😳 I just sat down to decompress before I start dinner, turned on my TV and all my recordings are gone too. A Day In The Life……Breathe Cry and come here to scream away.
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Thank you all for your support. At least I know I’m not alone. ❤️
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I feel your pain!! Some of our strangest moments incluce my DH putting beef cubes down the garbage disposal, finding his ID in the laundry basket, him taking some of my clothes and putting them in his closet, finding his keys on a shelf in the coat closet, the list goes on and on and on. And yes, I had myself a good cry out of his sight this afternoon. Some days it's the only release I have. Thank goodness that this message board reminds me I'm not alone and we're all trying to do the best we can.
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I am right there, too, and finally made the move to get my dh into a day program a couple of days a week. We started going together as volunteers although he was enrolled right away. After several times together he was fine staying and “helping” without me. The opportunity to have some peaceful days at home has been a lifesaver for me.
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Yep, same thing happens at our house. Some days it feels like I’ve spent about half the day searching for things that of course DH can’t remember where he put it. The worst is stashing food and drinks in his dresser. One time I opened his sock drawer to find a full cup of Dunkin coffee, thankfully with the lid on. Several years back, when he was still just MCI, he hid my keys and purse while I was taking an afternoon nap. Took me an hour to find my purse and 3 hours to find my keys. So that’s when I started wearing only clothing that has pockets, and always keeping my keys on me. My purse I hide in a cabinet (or retrieve it from said cabinet) when he’s in the bathroom. Living with an alz spouse requires constant vigilance. It’s wearying.
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Oh yes how true. I find it really frustrating when the things I am currently using disappear. Such as cooking utensils or ingredients when I'm cooking. Turn my back for a second and HMMM where did the spatula go? I thought I had a pepper out?
All DWs jewelry went missing never to be seen again, that was early on before I realized the problem. I also hide everything I need to keep track of. I now set out things I think will get her attention she can rearrange. Yes, I agree, the constant vigilance is tiring.
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All of our experiences are different…but the same. The constant vigilance is exhausting, and sometimes impossible. I agree with @Scooterr that there is always an adjustment period when new behaviors surface. Eventually you get to the point where it’s bearable. Hang in there!
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I think that most caretakers go through the same thing. It is maddening. Once I finally understood that my DH isn't putting the dishes up where I can't reach them, I started to let go of the irritation. The trouble is that my sweetie doesn't remember that I told him that shelf is too high and he thinks he is being helpful by putting the dishes away. Why waste energy on being upset about such trivial things? I know that more and worse is coming down the road so I am slowly learning to let go of the small stuff. I wish you the best in your journey.
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My favorite is when the empty paper towel dispensers in the kitchen or laundry room are re-plenished with rolls of TP. What's amazing is she uses two TP rolls which are equivalent in width to a single standard paper towel roll so from a distance it all looks totally normal. AD/ dementia is such a mysterious disease.
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It would be nice if we could swap our LO for a day! Dealing with different quirks and issues may be refreshing?? I'm reaching here lol
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I'm not sure we have to swap, every day is like a new adventure lol.
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I’ll take the nice gentle one please who likes to hold hands!!!
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… these are the gifts that keep on giving, each stage, new unimagined gifts. Without getting too graphic, I’ve learned to look at both sides of a wash cloth before I’ll wash my face with it. Let’s bring out those photos again- broccoli in the freezer, gourmet sandwiches made with large dog biscuits….
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I think what makes me feel so alone in this is that the outside world, extended family members, friends don't see what the fuss is about because he still seems somewhat normal and seems to have selective memory. He's really good at remembering that his family wants to meet him for breakfast but poor at remembering to complete the household task at hand. Anybody have this issue?
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I knew this wasn’t something unique to me and my DW. I tell people, who don’t really fully understand, that part of our day is spent looking for things. We’ve been missing a pair of her pajamas for 2 days, and I can’t wait to see where they show up. Thank you all for posting these. Even with our daily grind it’s comforting, even sometimes in ways humorous, to know we are really not alone going through this difficult journey.
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I have locked down our kitchen with child protective locks on all of the cabinets. Child locks on the refrigerator. Pantry locked. And access to all detergents etc. are locked. The laundry room is locked down. I have child protective doorknob things attached to my exit doors so my DW cannot exit our home. Maybe try that to prevent him from going outside. You should probably do that anyway.
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My DH remembers incidents that didn’t happen and brings them up repeatedly even though he said he wasn’t going to talk about it anymore.
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Do the child protective doorknob things really work on exterior doors?
I’ve been considering how to keep DH inside: one night recently he yelled in his sleep, then quickly got up, walked to the front door and went out the door around to the side of the house. By the time I had gotten up and followed him out the open door, he was headed back inside. I assume he went out there to pee (previously he had got up during the night and peed in the front door foyer).
So I’ve been wondering how to safely keep him inside, while also having a way for me to quickly open the door for us to get out in case of an emergency.2 -
Okay this made me laugh outloud!!! 2 toilet papers to equal the paper towel roll!!! Thank you!! For I am missing laughter. Hugs!!5 -
we all understand completely. No matter how many times you tell him he won't remember because his short term memory is gone. I learned from this group 1) don't tell him things because he won't remember, 2) never argue with someone with dementia because it increases their anxiety and 3) you can't reason with someone whose "reasoner" is broken. When I stopped doing those 3 things it helped my frustration.
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I too have my DH in a day center it gives me a break and gives him more socialization He resisted at first but now looks forward and has in passing called it (going to work) I am extremely grateful for the additional assistance
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Thanks again to everyone who has commented. I have really gotten some smiles and laughter at some of the antics you’ve shared. Laughter IS the best medicine, for sure. Also I’m appreciative of knowing the different ways you’re handling these situations. There is a particular day center I know about in my area. I know they have a waiting list, so it’s time I drop by to visit and get on that list. I know the socialization aspect of it is something my DH would really like.
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I have experienced a few of these with my DW but not to the extent that many of you have. I sense the frustration and don't diminish it at all. But I can't help but laugh at some of the examples, along with my wife's. As someone noted this is a mysterious disease, and I can't figure out the motivation behind some these. It baffles me. But makes me laugh.
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My LO had me fooled for quite a while. He can showcase with the best of them.
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Thank you for this post. I have been considering the same approach to get my DH into a day program. It is good to hear that it worked out well for you.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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