Inevitability?
My darling mom forgot who I was and it shredded my very fragile heart. She argued that she had never met me before moving into this "Facility." Keep in mind, we live in a house. She asked me of my ancestors. When I told her the names of my maternal grandparents, she got visibly upset. She said her parents never told her about me. She then suggestd we "stop playing a horrible trick on her mind."
That encounter was a gut punch capable of reducing a grown person to tears, when most everything else can't. It left me feeling sorry for myself.
Does this tend to become a regular occurrence or can it turn out to be a one-and-done?
Comments
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@JulietteBee
I am so sorry. I'm sure you felt absolutely gutted.
I didn't have this experience. My own dad knew who mom and I were through the bitter end although he was hazy on his grandchildren and blanked on DH entirely. But a dear friend whose mom had dementia at the same time as dad did, had similar happen to her.
Like you, she was an only caring for mom in her own home at tremendous sacrifice. She sold the home in which she raised her sons so mom could have a large 3-room in law suite, and wheelchair accessible home. She took FMLA. Her husband was transferred across the country and ended up living "home" only one week and some weekends each month. She couldn't travel to see her sons in CA and FL. It seemed so very unfair.
The confusion over my friend as her DD started intermittently at first. She would usually snap out of it. But over time, mom remained convinced friend was her "favorite aide" and that she'd love the aide to meet her wonderful daughter as she knew they'd be fast friends. That said, around this time my friend described her mom as "the little old lady who lives with me is nice enough, but she's not my mom".
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I’ve wondered how I will handle this when the time comes. A simple reminder of who I am might be enough in the beginning, but if that doesn’t work (like with your mom) it might upset her. How do you back peddle from that. I think if it happens again I would just roll with it. Tell her you’re just here to be with her and help some. If she comments that your name is the same as her daughters I would just agree that it’s a funny coincidence. With my mil I’m not sure she knew exactly who I was, but I think she knew I was a regular visitor. She never asked who I was. My husband would always announce himself as “her favorite son his name”. This made her laugh and told her who he was. I heard a story about a pwd whose daughter visited regularly. The pwd didn’t recognize her as her daughter, but described her in very glowing terms. She looked forward to her visit with this wonderful woman, never realizing it was her own daughter. I have always found it encouraging that she could still enjoy that time with her daughter and recognize her kindness even if she didn’t know who she was. I can hope for that, but I don’t expect it. Mom doesn’t like me very much since dementia.
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@JulietteBee oh, no…. I'm so sorry.
Yes. Happened to me x2. MIL screamed at me one evening. DH first wife passed years before we even met, so she had no idea who this was hanging out with her son. The other was when I went to see my mom. I walked in and she said "Hi, Trudy, how you doing?" Trudy is her sister. A PWD will often confuse family members, especially if there is a resemblance to someone they knew years ago. So basically, I looked like a younger version of her sister.
And yes - it hurts. Neither of these beautiful women know me any longer. So although it 'can' be on-and-off that they will know you, for the most part, not so much. Mother knew who I was once more, and then it was gone.
So sorry you are dealing with 'this'. And I've said before… yeah… i HATE 'this'.
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She'll always. be your mom. You will always be her beautiful daughter.
Her ability to remember you could go in and out. Perhaps she may learn that you're her lovely friend. I would stay away from trying to explain family trees. When she asks about ancestors, talk about that wonderful uncle who used to raise peonies—then distract. Talk about the weather—ask her about lunch—hand her a little gift you always keep in your purse. The goal is peace and calm.
If she is suddenly agitated, and it is totally out of her behavior norm, do check for an infection as this can cause significant changes overnight. When the infection resolves, typically folks move back to their previous baseline.
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Oh, @JulietteBee I am so sorry. This is a gut punch to be sure.
My dad still knows me most days, but not always. I announce my name a lot. But I have been mistaken for his mother, his cousin, and others. So far (knock wood) he has shown some kind of recognition of me as a family member who he is glad to see…but just two days ago I saw him look uncertain for a while.
I try to remember that nothing we experience now will change the past or the facts of who I am and who he is and has been to me. But that is easier some days than others.
Our hands in yours.
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I am so sorry! I think many family members experience some version of this as dementia progresses. But knowing that doesn't make it easier when it's your loved one. Hugs and prayers as you struggle. You care so beautifully for your mom.
I think my mom's awareness of our relationship fluctuated over the years of her decline. I felt blessed that she usually (till the final few weeks) smiled with recognition in her eyes, even when she could not say my name or introduce me as her daughter. There were times that she thought I was her mom.
We all have different moments that hit us with that gut punch. One of mine came probably five years before mom's death. I wasn't even with her. I was at a park, on a tennis court, hitting balls with my eight year old son. It was a beautiful day, and I was thinking how I always want to remember times like this with my boy. Suddenly the thought hit me that my mom likely no longer had memories of anything we did together when I was eight. I almost burst into tears right there on the court. It was one of the first times that I really let it sink in that my mom had Alzheimer’s and recognized how much it was changing our relationship.
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@harshedbuzz, thank you!
What a terrible thing to happen to your friend. I am glad you, nor your mom, had to experience being forgotten. It is awful.
I am still feeling the sting of her words.💔
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@H1235, I hope you never experience it. They say misery loves company. I do not want anyone to feel the pain of having their parent forget what relationship they are to them
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@SusanB-dil, I am sorry you have had to experience this firsthand, and sorrier yet, that both of them no longer know you at all.
Thank you! Yes, it hurts. Like you, I think this is a vile disease that I, too, hate with all the hatred I can muster.
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@caregiving daughter, I did not distract as she was not in any distress prior to asking of my ancestors. She initially asked me where I was from. I answered her and thought she would catch herself. I then asked her where she was from. She told me and as she had not yet caught on, I told her that is where my grandparents are from. She was the one who asked me their names, as the district is small and everyone knows each other.
Not until I gave her their names did her confusion truly become apparent to my household.😢
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Thank you, @ARIL! That was beautiful. Though they may forget, we still know the truth and should hold it dear.💯
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Thank you, @psg712 for the empathy, hugs, and prayers.
What a profound realization you had. I never thought of that till just now. Outside of her forgetting me, when she does remember me, I wonder how much of our shared lives she remembers?
Some time late last year, I realized she had already forgotten my genetic health condition that has put me at death's door more than enough times, and her at my hospital bedside, frequently.💔
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Generally, my mother doesn't know who I am and hasn't for a while. I've been a dead aunt, mother, the staff, her sister and some unnamed person. She also confuses my daughters. I've come to accept it and just roll with it. It's all I can do.
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Good to hear that initial discussion did not bring distress
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