New here, young adult child looking for connection and support
I’m 33 years old and my 74 year old mom was recently diagnosed, although we’ve seen it for the last couple years. I live in California and she lives in Ohio with my dad. I also have an older sister that lives a few hours away from my parents. Mom and I have been really close and talk on the phone every day on my drive to/from work. I’ve been processing a lot in therapy, but just looking for connection with other young adult children that are going through a similar experience.
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I have a similar situation, where I suspected Alzheimer’s for a couple of years but the suggestions were not taken well since the doctor said my father was fine. Now there is a diagnosis and acceptance of it by my parents, so we hope to help them to navigate this. We are just starting down the road, so I don’t really have advise to offer except that I too am not by my parents and I am hoping to be their support system still.2
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Hi there, I have a similar experience—I live in AK and parents are in MT. They’re 73, and I just turned 40. My sister is nearby and can help my mom care for my dad some, but she also works full time.
I’m currently looking into getting someone to help my mom since she’s the one suffering from burnout. Since it can often be harder on the health of the caregiver I want to get her some support and find resources now before it gets worse.
Have either of you found support groups online or near you? I think those would be really helpful but haven’t found any near me or my parents (rural).
Thanks for posting—gives me hope we can learn from others.0 -
Hi there—Just wanted to say you all are not alone. I am in my 40's and live in the midwest; my mom was diagnosed with AZ and lives in New England. My dad is in total denial about her health, and I suspect he is having memory issues too. I don't know how I will manage their care being so far away. It is completely overwhelming.
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Wow, as I was reading your post, I felt it could’ve been words that came from my own mouth. I’m 32 and my mom was diagnosed with dementia a few years ago at age 66. She had a brain aneurysm rupture at 52 and has always had cognitive challenges since but it really escalated in 2020 during the pandemic. she lives in a memory care facility in New England while I live in California. I have trained the staff at her assisted living facility to make sure to charge her cell phone and answer it when I call, and by this way, we’ve been able to speak every day when I leave work. I got my hours adjusted to 3:30 PM ending so that it’s not too late for her. But now she’s going to bed at 6:30 so it is too late. I am really torn between the emotions of wanting to be there with her, needing to live my own life and just the grief of it all as well as the guilt. I don’t have a partner or any roots, but my job is in person in California and I just don’t know what to do.3
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HI! I know you posted this awhile ago but wanted to share here. I am 34 and my father is 74 - recently diagnosed with dementia. He lives in the Chicago area, I live in Washington DC. This has all come up over the last 3 months, and has been a lot. Glad to know I'm not alone.1
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Wow, hi! This sounds so similar to my situation. I live in New Mexico and my mom moved to Arizona about 6 years ago. Last year she was diagnosed with AZ and she wants to move back here. I’m the only child and she is single but living near family. She won’t let anyone help her pack or get rid of stuff and I recently found out she was scammed out of a very large portion of her money. She is devastated by this and so am I. We have a complicated relationship and living together would it be good for our relationship. I’m also struggling with how to support her while trying to maintain my own mental health. I want to be able to help her get here but am completely overwhelmed at the idea of doing this with no support.1
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Thank you for writing. I gave up on these posts a while ago and was surprised to see people had written. I hope you’re doing alright.
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I haven’t found support groups for distance adult children. I’ve just found support groups for caregivers and since I’m not close by, I don’t feel like that fits my situation.
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It is overwhelming. If you need to talk I’m here, overwhelmed too, but still a good listening ear.
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I’m here to chat if you need/want to. Seems like we’re in really similar situations. My mom is still at home, but I know it’s challenging for my dad these days.
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You are definitely not alone!
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I am here to chat if you want to.
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@alygal88 I think it works best to have the person with dementia (pwd) living near the person that has durable power of attorney and poa for healthcare. If that's you, she should live near you, in a dementia-informed assisted living or memory care. I do not think any young person should give up their job and life to move to where the pwd is. That person will increasingly not know where they are anyway, but the losses to the younger person are immense.
If nobody as power of attorney for finance (durable) or healthcare, contacting an elder care attorney is the top priority, as these documents are critical for managing the lives of people who can no longer do so.
I am also in New Mexico and can recommend an amazing dementia-informed assisted living in Rio Rancho. Let me know if you'd like more info. I don't advertise for them, but my dh was there for years and a nursing instructor who took students there also raved over how wonderful it was.
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Also looking for support. My dad, who is 77, has ALZ. Still independent, etc. but needs to be constantly entertained. He also gets dehydrated (when my mom doesn’t remind him to drink) and that leads to paranoia and hallucinations. My mom is exhausted from all of this, yet she is almost uncoachable. She needs help - the burnout is happening and can’t be good for her own health. Do any of you worry about the main caregiver’s health? My sister and I are so worried about my mom and experiencing the grief of losing our dad. I live out of state.
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The caring long distance usually doesn’t get as many visitors. You are always welcome on one of the other boards.
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@Katept03 It's difficult when the caregiver makes decisions that seem very unwise. I love the book Being Mortal as it talks about older people making unwise decisions. Fundamentally it's a philosophical decision how much to respect their autonomy and how much to take over decisions for them. Either way, it's terribly uncomfortable.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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