new here - hostile family member with dementia

Mzm · August 29

I'm not able to provide any care. She won't accept it. She lives alone, which is dangerous for her and perhaps her neighbors too, seeing as she could leave a pot burning anytime. She is paranoid and very hostile. I've tried all the social services over and over. They say they can't get involved unless she cooperates. I'm afraid she'll be found dead before she is found eligible for some kind of assistance from APS or any other organization I've talked to.
I can't help her.
and she actively tries to get me in trouble for supposedly stealing from her/breaking some law she thinks I broke this week.
Have you been through this? What do you do? How do you do it?

caregiving daughter · September 1

Seek legal assistance. Note, lawyers I have encountered will charge for the first visit but perhaps there may be someone who could offer a consultation. You want to discuss powers of attorney and potentially guardianship.

Those with dementia will often refuse any help—help that a person of sound mind would say is entirely rational. Unfortunately, your loved one's reasoning is broken. They are SO fortunate to have you to support them.

Your situation appears highly urgent. I would also encourage you to call the ALZ 24/7 hotline.

eaglemom · September 4

I was just checking back to see if you'd decided anything. Its a rough spot to be in, for sure.

One thing is you might try to chat with her neighbors and fill them in that you are trying to help. You don't need to give them details, unless you choose to. That way they know someone is aware of what's happening. Also tell them to not hesitate to call the authorities if need be.

eagle

J.A. · September 14

My brother is about 30 days post-op from a HoLEP procedure to remove his prostate, which he had on August 10, 2026. Before the surgery, I spoke with him every day by phone and noticed his memory slipping for over a year. Since the surgery, those changes have grown more pronounced, including forgetfulness, mood shifts, difficulty following through on decisions, and trouble with hearing and comprehension that seems tied to more than just his ears.

He's always been a know-it-all, someone who insists he has everything figured out, and that personality trait makes this whole situation harder. He is arrogant, nasty, judgemental and all around not a nice person lately. It shows up as resistance to input from me, his doctors, and anyone else trying to help him see what's happening.

His medical picture includes a confirmed Pseudomonas urinary tract infection, protein leaking in his urine at a level of 42, and an elevated Albumin/Creatinine Ratio of 347.1 pointing to kidney stress. He also takes a statin and blood pressure medication and sits close to a diabetes diagnosis. His diet leans heavily on processed foods with little to no vegetables, which weighs on all of this.

His primary care doctor raised neurological testing with him directly, and he refused it. I hold Power of Attorney for him and filed it with the probate court, and I'm working with a pro bono attorney on his healthcare directive and other legal documents.

The hardest part lately involves watching him make choices that don't match what he says he wants. He moved into a new apartment and told me directly that he can't keep living the way he was, then continued sleeping in an abandoned house instead of the new place. Communication with him has grown inconsistent too; sometimes a full day passes with no contact, and I live in another state, which makes tracking all of this from a distance even harder. His girlfriend has reached her limit as well, worn down by the disrespect and strain of everything happening.

I'm here looking for insight from anyone who has walked through early cognitive decline or dementia symptoms in a sibling, especially when the person affected doesn't see it in themselves yet.

caregiving daughter · September 16

J.A.,

As for the hardest part, him making choices that don't match what he says he wants, please understand that if there is dementia, his reasoner is broken. He can no longer create goals and follow through with a plan to reach them.

If you feel your brother is in an unsafe situation, action should be taken. I get that he may want to go no contact or eat junk food—people do those things. However, sleeping in an abandoned house is not rational.

I would suggest reaching out to an attorney and seeking guardianship. To the extent a physical move or care management needs to be put in place, the attorney could guide you.

Again, if this is dementia, it's not his fault that he can no longer manage. What you describe sounds beyond an individual that is "a know it all". To the extent an infection may still be present, his cognition will be impaired so much further as well.

Last, you may want to start your own post on the forum so more folks can help you. He is lucky to have you looking in on him.

new here - hostile family member with dementia

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