Constantly in a state of Anxiousness and Anticipatory Grief

mrider82 · September 14

For the past year I haven't been able to be "happy" or "calm" at all. I am constantly thinking the "worse" and Anticipatory Grief is truly getting to me. I have my moments where I am calm and all but immediately feel regret, sadness, anxiousness and worry. Every time I call my parents the moment I hand up I start to cry and become overwhelmed. Even when 99.99% of the time the call goes exceptionally well!

I think I have finally broken down emotionally, physically, mentally and I just don't know what to do. I am only going to my parents Wednesday-Thursday and I do my absolute best to hold it together when I am there. I do excuse myself and cry in the bathroom for a few minutes but now I am in a constant state of sadness and a funk. I obviously know why I am and I should be as this is a terrible god awful disease but I fear that I will totally break down in front of my dad and my mom at some point and I just can't do that!

I just wish I could feel "better" or just not have this 24/7. I feel awful saying that, I truly do but it truly is getting to me

H1235 · September 15

See your doctor! I waited way too long. My blood pressure was high and I was a wreck. I even had a panic attack. Medication has helped, even though I hate that I have to take it.

lilacgirl · September 15

Aw, I’m sorry, I totally understand. I have been there. A few months ago I basically had a nervous breakdown over my mom and her dementia. I lost 15 lbs. because I had no appetite, I had days I barely could get out of bed, my Apple Watch told me my average heartbeat was about 10 bpm higher than normal, and I just felt like I was a walking dark cloud.

My husband was so worried he actually researched therapists for me and practically forced me to go. I also went to the doctor and was prescribed anxiety meds for the first time in my life. It took awhile to get the right dose—and the right therapist—but now, 5 months later, I’m feeling back to my old self and have learned to not be so codependent and to better cope when things aren’t going so smoothly.

So I highly recommend seeking help/support and I hope it helps you to know that others, like me, understand, have been there, and have come out the other side. Hugs

mrider82 · September 15

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/282283#Comment_282283

Yeah, I probably should. But I just get the feeling I will only get, "I am so sorry to hear… Take this medication instead" Granted I might get a better medication

mrider82 · September 15

Yeah I am certainly at the point where I don't have the motivation to do much right now and constantly upset and feeling run down. I have looked for some support groups and have been talking with a friend who is dealing with this same issue with her father.

I know there isn't a "cure all" to make myself and other feels better but I am in a funk for sure and I think it is truly affecting my daily life

Victoriaredux · September 16

What helped me was thinking how sharp my LO 's loss would be if they went suddenly without warning. No chance to say good-bye ,ask a few questions , give them love.

Doesn't mean that there isn't grief when the LO does finally pass but we know the "what" the "when" is the unknown. And having them in a safe setting removes that the "where" would be scary .

mrider82 · September 16

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/282352#Comment_282352

Yeah I do that and everything but I am in constant nervous/uptight and right now I am a mess. I am constantly worrying and "what if" and "is today the day my mom "loses" it and goes "off"

lilacgirl · September 16

And if she does lose it and go off, then what happens? What is worst case? It won’t be the end of the world. Think about your possible responses ahead of time and know that you can handle it! And definitely seek help for yourself. You’re not going to be able to help her as she declines if you don’t take care of yourself. Hugs again!

mrider82 · September 16

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/282380#Comment_282380

True. She may lose it for a few hours but generally either stops or goes to bed. But it is awful for those few hours as I have no idea what to say or do. I usually just hold her hand and say "you are safe, I am right here" but that's all I can really do. I know it's not personal at all but in the moment it is so hard not to take it personally. I am just so worried about her "screaming" as it is so random and loud and the look of fear on her faces makes me very upset. Thank you and Hugs right back at you!

Victoriaredux · September 16

Please talk to your Mom's PCP or get a geriatric psychiatrist to prescribe something to calm her . I can only imagine what it is to feel a brain that is misfiring. It must be taxing and scary.

Constantly in a state of Anxiousness and Anticipatory Grief

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