DH has a hernia should he have an operation
My DH has been seen by urologist. He does not have any pain in the hernia but it is large. . The doctor has said that it is not urgent for my DH to have the operation. My husband has stage 3 dementia. He was in agreement that day but has forgotten about the examination and now said he doesn't want the operation. What should I do? Make the decision for him.
Comments
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If the doctor says it wasn’t urgent, and your DH says he doesn’t want to, then just don’t schedule it. You can always revisit that decision later.
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I would make the decision for him if you have a medical POA. I would not approve any procedures that are not 100% necessary. Anesthesia is very hard on someone with dementia.
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My LO is in the same situation. The doctors and I concluded a couple of years ago that we would do nothing, since there was no pain and it was not essential; we wanted to avoid anesthesia as well. The choice was right for us.
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This is genuinely a hard spot, and it's worth knowing you don't have to choose between "force the surgery" and "just let it go" as the only two options. A dementia diagnosis, even stage 3, doesn't automatically mean he's lost the right to refuse. Capacity is assessed decision by decision, not as an all-or-nothing label, and it can genuinely fluctuate day to day, which sounds close to what happened here: he understood and agreed in the room, then couldn't retain it afterward.
Because the urologist called this non-urgent, his current refusal generally carries real weight rather than being something you can simply override on his behalf. If you believe he truly can't hold onto or weigh the information anymore, the next step is asking the surgical team for a formal capacity assessment specific to this decision, not deciding that on your own. If he's found to lack capacity for it, a surrogate decision-maker steps in based on what he would have chosen when he was able to express it, which in his case may be that first conversation where he agreed.
Two things worth putting to the doctor directly: what actually happens if you wait, does a large hernia like his carry a real strangulation risk over time, since "not urgent" isn't the same as "no risk ever," and separately, ask about anesthesia. Surgery and general anesthesia carry a documented risk of post-operative delirium and further cognitive decline in people with dementia, so this isn't only about respecting his wishes, it's a legitimate medical trade-off the surgical team should walk you through either way.
I hope these resources are useful:
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@JPJardinel Why are you unearthing old posts? Do you not understand how this forum works? What is your goal in being here?
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Sometimes an operation pushes an Alzheimer's patient into the next stage. Avoid it if you can
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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