Do we Go?

cwb49 · September 19

A relative has passed and my questions is, do I attempt to take my precious wife to the funeral? It will be difficult as she does not get around very well without assistance. She has become very weak over the past months.

I am not sure how this will affect her and is it worth the possible stress on her?

CWB

Goodlife2025 · September 19

Only you know if this will be too much for your wife but if this were my situation; unless it was someone super close to my wife and in her day to day life, I would not take her. My DW is still crying every time she hears Dolly Parton passed away. Regardless of the logistics, if you can manage those, will this be too much for your DW emotionally?

dcare45 · September 19

Over the years as we have had close family members pass, I have not taken DW to funerals or even told her they have passed. I did not and do not believe she would understand what the funeral actually was without huge emotional stress. Then she will relive the emotions again if she was told the person had passed. She used to ask about dead relatives which is not uncommon, now sadly they are not brought up, mostly forgotten like everything else.

harshedbuzz · September 19

If you're asking, the answer is likely "no".

A lot, of course, will depend on the stage in which your DW is, how she behaves away from home and how closely related she is.

If she's early stages and used to attending religious services, attending might make sense. This is especially true if the deceased was someone she saw regularly.

Mom insisted on taking dad to the visitation for his brother's best friend who he'd known since he was about 9 and who he'd golfed with up until his dementia ramped up. Dad forgot the reason he was there and was quite inappropriate; the widow still gives mom the stink-eye when she sees her.

My niece's grandmother was in the early later stages when her DH died. She, too, was happy to see everyone and kept forgetting the nature of the occasion. Her DDs kept bringing her up to the casket to remind her. I was kind of surprised she had no real reaction when they did this. I don't think she really recognized the man as her DH— she seemed to be living in the past. She easily recognized me, but not her younger grands.

HB

misteelynn · September 19

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/77142/do-we-go

I just went through this with my father a month ago. He is 91, in AL, and although he functions quite well, he has some spine degeneration which was discovered after he fell and broke his neck last year. He's been using a roll-a-tor ever since. My cousin passed away and he wanted me to take him to the funeral. The funeral was an hour away and even though I really wanted to be able to be there for my family, I was absolutely dreading going with my dad due to the distance and logistics of the church layout and how the service and interment was going to be. I ultimately spoke honestly with my dad and we both agreed to skip the funeral and send cards and texts. I will admit that not going was mostly for my benefit. I was dreading it so much and the thought of it stressed me out with fear of my dad getting too tired or possibly falling again. It was a relief when he ultimately decided maybe he should not try to go. So since you're asking, I would say to not go just for the fact that this would be very stressful for you. You have to take care of yourself and preserve your energy as a caregiver. But as others have said, you know your situation and your wife better than anyone.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Misteelynn

notequipped · September 19

My Mom gets around very well and, at this stage, I would not take her to a funeral unless she specifically asked. Even then, I would have to think about it. I gave up trying to wrangle her at my Dad’s viewing. She didn’t seem to have much awareness of appropriate behavior. She didn’t do anything crazy but wouldn’t stay put and didn’t seem to look at the big picture. Quite the line formed while she was casually talking with a friend about what was going on at the gym.

stananon · September 19

DW's brother is in hospice. I dred his passing. It is a 1 hour drive to our local airport..a 6 hour flight…and 2.5 hours drive to her brother's house / town. She has difficulty with a drive over 45 minutes. Can't imagine the flight. I am pretty sure the family understands. We do communicate by phone.

Bacciammo · September 20

In a few weeks have to take a trip to see my relatives and decided not to bring my husband. Last trip we took together was a nightmare. He got so confused and exhausted and was sundowning a lot on the trip. It was a miracle nothing really bad happened. He’s only early stage but he’s high maintenance. I recommend not doing a funeral especially. Those are emotional. It would be really hard on you as a caregiver to deal with your LO and that. Just my thoughts

cwb49 · September 20

I thank you all for your comments and I believe my best option is to avoid the funeral.

Again, thank you

CWB

Do we Go?

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