How to help with unfavorable caregiver behaviors

awiseman · September 24

Hi - I’m new and have not posted before and value what everyone has to offer. I help care for my 91 year old FIL who is late stage Alzheimer’s and has been in memory care since January. My challenge is with my 89 year old MIL’s unfavorable behaviors. There was great resistance when we moved my FIL to memory care since my MIL felt she was caring for him adequately and that he was fine - neither were the case. My MIL who I love dearly has always been someone who fiercely believes she knows best, and everything. She has always done what she wants to do no matter what. The majority of the time she discounts advice from professionals. She has nagged and yelled at my FIL their entire marriage. When my FIL was well he would just let it roll off or make a joke. They do very much love each other. While the majority of the time he is still in good humor he’s not able to tolerate the nagging and yelling in his current state. Twice in one week my MIL was asked to leave memory care due to her behavior causing my FIL to become combative. While my FIL always asks where is wife is and is always happy to see her, after her visits he can become agitated. She normally visits 5-6 days a week. She continues to try to take my FIL places outside the facility when she has been asked not to - it’s now too hard on him. My FIL also has very poor eyesight so is very slow since he is concerned he will fall. My MIL would not be able to help him if he fell. Now when my FIL has an outside medical appointment my MIL is no longer to take my FIL alone. When she is stopped by staff at the facility or the family she becomes extremely angry. She has been asked not to take my FIL to activities within the facility but outside of memory care that agitate him but yet continues to since it’s what she enjoys. We tried to get her to attend the monthly Alzheimer’s education sessions offered by the facility - she attended 2 and after the last she stated she’s read all about Alzheimer’s and this doesn’t apply to him so she’s not attending anymore. We’ve had meetings with her that include the facility, Hospice, sons and their wives, me being one to try to help get through to her in a supportive way and she’s still obstinate. Does anyone happen to be in a similar situation or have any advice? Thank you

SusanB-dil · September 24

Hello and welcome -

Who does have your FIL's POA? If it is MIL, not sure how much you could do. It does sound like she is either in denial (totally) or there may be something going on with her. And from the way it sounds, not so sure you'd get her to go to the doctor at all. If, by chance, she does not have POA, the one who does could block her visits. Does someone bring her to his facility, or does she drive herself? If someone else drives, you could get them to stop. If she drives, I don't think it would be legal to disable the car for a few days.

Sorry you are dealing with both of them…

Maru · September 24

It sounds like your FIL wants to see her. Is it possible that she only be allowed to visit if there is another family member present?

Bowerbird · September 24

I am sorry that you have to go through this, as it sounds like a very difficult situation.

This may verge on elder abuse, considering he is in late-stage dementia. He most likely does not consider her dangerous, as he is both used to her and is not thinking rationally anymore, but from what you have said, it is clearly affecting him.

The Alzheimer's Association has information on that here, which includes two different hotlines. They can connect you to adult protective services or a long-term care ombudsman, who will investigate. It is done anonymously, so no one will know who called.

https://www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving/safety/abuse

awiseman · September 24

I’m so appreciative of all the great insight.

We do have a POA for both my MIL and FIL and are in active conversations with an attorney to get my MIL’s activated. And to understand how it then impacts my FIL’s POA since we are my MIL’s successor. Due to my MIL’s nature, for us to be able to limit her visits or require someone be with her when visiting we’ll need professionals to help her understand why. And even then she may discount. I know she is hurting and we’re very sensitive to that so trying to be as delicate as we possibly can be while looking out for my FIL’s best interest and hers.

Again, thank you for giving me things to think about. I appreciate you all.

ARIL · September 24

Oh, @awiseman I am so sorry. You have been given good advice already. I will add only that I did deal with a roughly comparable situation, with a stepparent behaving much like your MIL. So I know the heartache and the sleepless nights and the distress… I have deep empathy for your situation. Hang in there.

H1235 · September 24

This sounds so stressful. People with dementia often have anosognosia. This is an inability to recognize their symptoms or limitations. They also often lack empathy. It sounds like your mil doesn’t recognize her limitations and lacks empathy. Are there any other signs of dementia. It sounds like even professionals are not able to get through to her. Like she is living in her own reality. Sound kind of familiar to me. My mil had Alzheimer’s, years later my mom has diagnosed with vascular dementia. With the vascular dementia memory issues were not an issue. It took me way too long to get her diagnosis because I just couldn’t wrap my head around dementia without memory issues. I can understand wanting to be supportive of her and not cause problems, but it sounds like she is literally putting your fil life in jeopardy. Maybe if time to be a bit more firm. Tell her flat out her behavior could be considered elder abuse. I take it she is still driving. Even without dementia at a certain age (I assume is a similar age as fil) driving becomes an issue. Is she really still safe to drive? Would you allow her to drive your grandkids around? If you think dementia is a possibility I would use whatever fib you need to to get her into the doctor.

How to help with unfavorable caregiver behaviors

Answers

Commonly Used Abbreviations

Community Guidelines

Categories