Would creating a list help?

FillyRider · September 28

The friend I assist keeps asking me what the status is of a few of his major possessions. His sibling has repeatedly told him the status. His family has sold some of the possessions and has given the more sentimental items to his children. Would it be helpful if a list of the items were to be created and posted somewhere where he would regularly see it, such as taping it to the inside of a kitchen cupboard that he opens regularly?

dancsfo · September 28

I wonder if there's a reason for asking for the status of some major possessions, and whether realizing they are gone (i.e. sold) will cause distress. One idea is to show photos of some items taken alongside the children. That may reassure him that they are in safe hands.

harshedbuzz · September 28

This is a question for his POA.

IME, visual reminders tend to (not) work one of 2 ways. They can act as a trigger to drive perseveration around topics which cause them, and those responsible for their care, nothing but distress. Or he, given that he can't recall what he's presumably been told multiple times already, will forget about the list you've created and continue to ask.

Since you're a helper, I'd ask the POA in charge what the story is and just repeat that as needed.

When dad was stuck on all his stuff— we'd moved him out of 2- 3BR homes into a 2 BR apartment and then cottage— I showed him a picture of the storage unit from when I first staged the golf course house long after we'd donated most of it.

HB

caregiving daughter · September 28

I have to agree with the potential for distress part; therefore, I would not talk about possessions going to loved ones or show photos of similar.

My first suggested approach would be to distract. Move the conversation to a complement on their sweater, the weather, or an upcoming activity. If that doesn't work, go to the next level of distraction including a sweet treat, pet, or small gift.

If #1 doesn't work, create a detailed list of the items, their description, and their condition (all would be great condition). My guess is that the piece of paper may suffice and that it really will not be read through. After the paper is handled for five minutes, go back to #1.

If #1 and #2 don't work, use a more significant distraction with a visual clue. My experience will sound outlandish, but when my mom asked every visit and called multiple times per day, for me to bring her all her financial files, I pointed to my ripped jeans, that I just happened to wear that day for the mc visit, and I told her I fell. I know—totally silly. My mom though was super angry and it worked to keep her calm, which was my goal and important for her well being.

dancsfo · September 28

I agree with both @harshedbuzz and @caregiving daughter that discussing or showing images of the possessions may reinforce the trigger & the results won't be long lasting. I was replying to the original question too literally.

Even if some approach does cause distress, it's likely that once it's forgotten (and trigger put out of sight), the reaction will go away & you can try something else.

However, there's no guarantee that repetitively asking for the status will go away, even with a posted reminder of the status. Repetition is a common behavior and mostly unavoidable.

MN Chickadee · September 29

A list like that would fall into the category of trying to reason with a person with dementia, and that generally doesn't work for most people. He may not remember giving it away or he be distressed by the idea of anything being permanently gone. I wouldn't be surprised if hearing anything was sold or given away being very upsetting. A list or photo may trigger bad feelings, and also not really help since his memory is bad he won't retain the information. I would personally lean into therapeutic fibbing, deflection and distraction. Tell him I'm not sure where that item is but I can help you look for it after xyz. Or we can ask your sister tomorrow. If it's something like his car maybe it's at the shop being repaired. Distract to a new topic.

Would creating a list help?

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