8 Months

CindyBum · October 1

Wow. It's been 8 months since my DW passed. I miss her. So much. I still can't quite wrap my head around it. I'll never hold her hand again. Damn.

I've been through the initial relief of not seeing her suffering anymore and have remained filled with gratitude that I got to love and be loved that deeply. I grieved hard during the caregiving and do some now too, but not the same sort of sadness that I felt watching her disappear day by day. The bigger question I find myself wondering…who am I now?

Well…on that I'm still lost as all get out. I retired one month before Suze passed, so I've been pretty well twisting in the wind for 8 months, wondering who I am and who I'll end up being post-retirement. Still no clue. I gave myself a year as a sort of random amount of time to maybe start figuring that out. Like that made any sense either, because I don't feel any closer than I did 8 months ago. Oh well. I'm in no hurry and one weird "benefit" I got from caregiving is that I no longer feel compelled to race everywhere. I am meandering now, for sure and I'm almost ok with that. Honestly though…I wouldn't mind a little more direction in my life. Not too much, mind you. Haha

At least I've had some fun travels with friends and can finally feel my deep, deep fatigue give way. That's a big one and I should thank my lucky stars that I'm regaining some physical energy.

I hope those of you in Stage 8 are finding your way. Big hugs~

sandwichone123 · October 2

Thank you for this. It's been five months for me, and Joe and I weren't together that long (less than 10 years married, 13 years together). He was in memory care almost for four of those years, so I didn't think grieving would hit this hard. I finally made an appointment with a counselor because I feel like I don't know who I am or what I'm supposed to be doing with this last decade or two of my life. I think of fun things to do, but when it comes right down to it, I think, "what's the point?" and just skip it.

GothicGremlin · October 3

I think it takes awhile for us to find our way again after something as devastating as this. I know it took me almost a year before I felt more like myself again. Even now I have days … but two years on, I'm not feeling too bad. In fact, I've turned into a gym rat. Who knew?

I'm not in the same place as either of you though - I lost my sister, not my spouse, and that's a very different thing.

But like you, I'm different now, with different priorities. We'll see where I end up.

8 Months

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