Just Angry

I believe we all feel anger, sadness and loss with this horrible disease. Our LOs are being slowly pulled away and there is nothing we can do to stop it. My DW is changing from the way she was but she is still the same person. I know there is still some of my DW there and I hold on to that as much and for as long as I can.

Something that has helped me cope, if you can call it that, is Radical Acceptance. @Bill_2001 made a post and video about it or you can search it on the internet. I would link his post but I haven't figured out how to do that. Maybe someone else here can help out with that. It helped me let the anger go, sadness and loss are still hanging around.

radical acceptance meaning - Search

My DH, stage 6, is pretty much on the mental level of a 2-4 year old. So I just keep reminding myself of what he is capable of (mostly nothing). I just keep reminding myself what life was like when my children were this age and I had to keep close eye on everything they were doing, and that it’s the same now with DH - and that I just must accept this situation cuz I can’t control it. By nature I am a control freak, but now I must force myself to accept that I am powerless in this situation. I can’t fix it. So radical acceptance is required.

This has been my coping mechanism. I usually go out for a walk, remind myself of what is or isn’t happening in his brain, and it does help to reset me.

@cwb49 - you’re not alone. I’ve been finding myself in similar situations recently. I think feeling all the emotions can be helpful sometimes as long as I’m not taking it out on someone else. I have an amazing therapist and have learned some coping mechanisms. When I’m angry, I go to the gym or I take a walk. It helps me grounded and centered. When I’m sad, I cry and after the crying is done, I’m more centered again. I learned to create space for my emotions so I can process them. There are times when it’s still hard, like today when DH called me names and told me to go to hell. I went to the bathroom and cried. Talking to my friends and venting here has been helpful as well. ALZ is a cruel disease, not only to the patients but to their caregivers as well. Please be gentle with yourself and know that you’re not alone.

I think part of the trouble is knowing what needs to be accepted. Early on I accepted that my brother wasn’t going to be much help. Later I realized and accepted he was going to be no help. Eventually I realized he was going to cause problems and headache by insisting mom still has a right to make her own decisions, that he was going to blame me for everything and that he would share everything with her(personal health information, money problems…)causing her to become upset. I don’t think my expectations of him could sink any lower. The fact that I have no control over what my brother says or does (even when it causes mom a great deal of stress) has been hard to accept, but I feel better (more calm) now that I have come to this realization. With mom I have done the same thing. Just when I accept the reality of her limitations, more symptoms and limitations are thrown our way.

Some people, men especially, express depression as anger or irritability. I know I need to get help when I find myself yelling or having dreams about hurting people I love— it's a PTSD thing) Meds— for me— help with that. YMMV.

I felt real solidarity in reading your post. My dad was a very handsome, stylish, and well-groomed man. He was the kind of guy the ladies would notice. In dementia, he became this shower-avoidant, Yeti in food-encrusted sweats. It was really sad to see even for me (we didn't have a great relationship) but it cut my mom to the core.

HB