Aggressive verbal behavior

selma · October 10

For the last two weeks, my dad wakes up in the morning has a great breakfast. He’s wonderful. In the middle of all this, he just gets an idea to get the keys and drive. He cannot drive. He is asking to go somewhere. He gets really mad at my mom and I because we’re not letting him go. He’s very aggressive telling us horrible things, calling us names. This is happening almost every single morning. My mom is 80 and I’m really worried about her that she’s getting into very abusive situation from my dad. Anybody experienced this? Can you help or suggest anything. We try redirecting we tried everything that we can, but it’s not working and if he stops in about 4 hours, then he’s back at that same behavior tomorrow morning.

dcare45 · October 10

Hi selma, I'm glad you found us and sorry you had a need to.

It's hard for me giving any advice not knowing your LOs cognitive ability/level specifically. It matters, what they understand or not.

As far as driving and keys, I pulled the battery out of my DWs key fob and went along with her as how POed we were both when the car would not start. Fibbed along and was BY GOD SURE TO GET A MEACHANIC TO LOOK At it and DANG STRAIGHT WE ARE GOING SOMEWHER after we finished breakfast, changed clothes, whatever. A lot depends on how cognizant your LO is. Maybe join in with him against the "reason" things are not working. By God "WE" will get to the bottom of this! It takes a lot of effort and energy, exhausting. Hopefully your car in question does not have a traditional key. If it does pull the battery cable or have someone disable it for you.

As far as your Mom and abuse, I would be concerned depending on her emotional abilities. My Mom helped with my DW and when I became concerned about verbal issues she said to me, they are just words, she knew DW didn't realize what she was saying. Physical abuse is an enterally different issue. At 80 physical issues become dangerous very quickly. If necessary, consider outside help or placement. You are doing a great job looking out for your Dad and Mom by asking these questions. Come back often to this site. There are a lot of knowledgeable people here with better advise than mine.

harshedbuzz · October 11

@selma

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found our little clubhouse.

I agree with @dcare45 that strategies can depend very heavily on the stage to which his dementia has progressed, his main caregiver's resilience and just how abusive the PWD actually is.

With my own dad, we found the middle and early part of the later stages to be the most challenging. He'd had a difficult personality pre-dementia and the loss of autonomy hit him really hard. It was awful. We found redirection completely ineffective until dad was appropriately medicated for his anxiety and agitation. A geriatric psychiatrist is best to manage these kinds of psychoactive medications but you dad's neurologist might be able to prescribe something to take the edge off while you wait to see the geri-psych.

When communicating with the doctor, describe behaviors via the electronic portal or when you're out of dad's earshot. Don't sugarcoat things. My dad was always a perfect gentleman during appointments, called showtiming, so I recorded a meltdown at home and sent it to his geri psych so he could understand what we saw at home.

What's the car situation? Is it a "his" car and hers? Does mom drive? If possible, you might find it best to get rid of his car. His POA has a fiduciary obligation to manage assets prudently. If he's been told not to drive by his doctor/the state, then allowing an unused vehicle to depreciate in the driveway is not sensible. You might be able to reduce this behavior by removing the car(s) from his sightline. Many folks tell their PWD that the car is in the shop for a safety recall and is waiting for a new part. This only works if your LO is progressed to the point where they won't bother the auto shop.

You have my sympathy on the driving thing. My dad never got past it. The very last conversation I ever had with dad— hours before he died— was about me bringing him a car to MC in case he needed to go somewhere.

HB

MN Chickadee · October 11

Try not telling him the truth (you can't drive etc.) and use a therapeutic fib instead. Disable the car, let him try starting it. We will get it to a mechanic. Be on "his side" not someone who is seen as working against him. Validate feelings, distract to something else. Rinse and repeat. Or remove the car if possible so the sight of it isn't a trigger. It's "at the shop waiting on a part." He may need meds to get through this phase, do consult his doctor. Many PWD get fixated on something, sometimes to the point of aggression, violence or severe anxiety and the right meds can take the edge off quite a bit. If he ever gets to the point of violence or you or mom fear for your safety please call 911. The EMTs and police would take him to the ER on a psych hold and from there you would work on getting him properly medicated in a geriatric psych unit.

Jeff H · October 11

I'm sorry you are going through this. My DW was similar early on in our journey. She was physically aggressive and very agitated. Her neurologist prescribed Rexulti which is FDA approved for Alzheimer's for aggressive and agitated behavior. It has worked wondered. Her aggressive behavior went away shortly thereafter. It's a brand-name top tier drug so it's very expensive. There are no generics right now. It was worth it to me. You may want to ask your DH neurologist about it. I wish you the best.

fesk · October 12

A lot of good advice. Have you tried taking him somewhere at that time but not letting him drive? Your post said he is asking to go somewhere. Do you think he would let someone else drive? Is he calm at first but gets agitated when he can't go? If someone drove him, would he remain calm? If he is agitated already, I would not take him in the car as that's very dangerous.

Aggressive verbal behavior

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