Gentle corrections

RSM52 · October 12

My partner is having increasing problems completing tasks. For example, she is very intent on making our bed, but has now put the top sheet over the blanket rather than beneath it. It doesn't matter to me, and I am wondering whether this is something not to bother pointing out, as this tends to provoke a range of emotions, from irritation to anger. I could also just change it, which tends to be ignored. While this is a specific instance, these sorts of missteps are happening more frequently with previously easily completed tasks. How are others dealing with this? Thank you.

Maru · October 12

For the most part, I try to ignore mistakes, miscues, etc. I want DH to maintain sense of dignity. He often expresses how stupid he is (not) or how he can't do anything right. I don't want to pile on to that. One of DH's chores is to make the beds. At some point in the day I will go in and silently re-make the beds correctly. Sometimes I get frustrated by the re-doing as it is more work than if I had done it in the beginning, but DH is quite proud that he has chores to do and that he does them.

dcare45 · October 12

I let everything I can go. If it's not a safety concern than it really doesn't matter. I agree the redo is frustrating at times however when DW was capable of doing things I let her without correction. It may have given her a sense of accomplishment. Hang in there and keep coming back.

RSM52 · October 12

Thanks for the quick responses. Same here. My partner was a senior school administrator, and this is quite the fall from being so high-functioning. There are several repetitive tasks that she still can accomplish unassisted. I am a little concerned about fixing the mistake, which could also lead to an argument if it is noticed. On the other hand, it is also a way of reteaching the skill without calling attention to it. So many minute-by-minute decisions to be made.

Artworker · October 12

My DW was always an organized person - making lists and keeping track of details. She is constantly writing down notes and making lists but increasingly they make no sense and it is her way of trying to deal with her memory loss and lost executive function. All these notes were just creating more anxiety for her so I started to collect them every night and toss them. She didn't notice they were gone and she is so much calmer waking up to a clear desk every morning. In general I try to keep the house less cluttered and it seems to eliminate some triggers.

SunnySD · October 12

i read a comment on here a month or so ago that suggested D.I.R.M…. Does it really matter. I have repeated that to myself thruout our days. Has made a huge difference in my frustration and DH sense of accomplishment.

ronda b · October 12

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/284064#Comment_284064

I don't know if you would be reteaching her. People with dementia have no really short term recall or learn how to do something new to them.

tboard · October 12

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/77326/gentle-corrections

let her be. No harm done. Fix it or not, all good.

harshedbuzz · October 12

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/284064#Comment_284064

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

There is no "reteach" for PWD. Learning requires both working and short-term memory which are impacted fairly early in the disease.

Emotional intelligence remains intact well into the later progression of the disease which means even "gentle correction" will come with feelings she will feel acutely.

Many PWD have anosognosia and are unable to perceive their own areas of impairment. In your wife's mind, she the high functioning and capable woman she's always been even if she does admit to problems with her memory.

The best practice around this sort of thing is to accept that you can't change her or her disabilities— only how you react to them. I found this short read helpful in reframing these kinds of issues.

understanding-the-dementia-experience (1).pdf

HB

fesk · October 13

I agree with all those who said not to point out the mistake. This is going to happen more and more as the disease progresses. Just thank her and let her know you appreciate the help.

The only thing I disagree with in the comments is that someone with Alzheimer's is incapable of learning anything new. I am not saying to reteach her - I agree that's not a good idea. But it's not that black and white. Every person is different. My mother certainly did or adjusted to new things throughout her progression. You do not know until you try. In my opinion, it's always worth a try. I wouldn't create situations that caused frustration on her part, but I would always try new things with her.

RSM52 · October 13

Some thoughts on change, self-perception, and guidance. I appreciate the validation that I don't have to sweat the small stuff or engage in reteaching. At the end of the day, it matters little whether the top sheet is above or below the blanket. It is also nice to feel not so alone.

A pushback on a few things. She is very aware of diminished capacity, can articulate her loss of abilities, and adapt where possible. I am amazed at how sanguine she is about it, although significant frustration breaks through at times. As to maintaining and restoring abilities, I continue to aggressively pursue options. We had participated in a clinical trial using Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation a few years ago, which resulted in a significant improvement in expressive and receptive language, the areas most initially impacted by primary progressive aphasia. It worked until we stopped the treatments. NYU Langone is now offering remote units using a similar approach: transcranial direct current stimulation. It is not time-limited and is programmable remotely. We are hopeful it will improve her skills.

rockymtngrrl · October 26

My LO now has trouble setting up the coffee pot... I let him do it and recheck the next morning in case he put the coffee in first then the filter. (It only happened once and I realized it was a skill he was losing). I rewash the dishes. I never tell him I do these things.

H1235 · October 26

I think so much depends on the person and the specific situation. If they enjoy doing the task, there is no safety concerns and you are ok with redoing everything, then I think just let it go. I would suggest not correcting or pointing out what was done wrong. If it gets to be too much for you to redo everything, maybe do the task yourself explaining that you were helping them. Or som other excuse. They will probably soon forget that was their chore anyway. My concern if that they would become frustrated and confused with how to do the task. If this is happening I think it would be best to find another, easier, chore for them to do. Maybe make up some kind of excuse to explain the change if necessary.

/STEVE · October 26

If it was me, unless I really did not care. I would want the sheet next me. So what I would do with LO, if they are there is say why don't we try sleeping with sheet next to us for once and see how we like that, and have them help me make the bed. I see no reason to hide the fact that the bed is being remade, 30 second later they are not going to remember anyway. I have found ( I guess we all go thru this ) there no correcting, or pointing out or teaching that helps, it is what it is.

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