Mom asking for explanations about house sale, POA

lilacgirl · October 13

So my mother's house closed about 3 weeks ago (we moved her 2.5 hours away in April to be close to me in AL). We very vaguely kept her informed as it was happening, because she's still fairly aware and in touch with old friends and it's bound to come up. We kept her out of the process, though, using our POA to sign the documents, etc. We also cleaned the house out, and most of her stuff is at my house now. The people who bought the house bought whatever furniture was remaining.

Yesterday she asked (as she occasionally does) to go back to her house and see what all was still left inside. I reminded her that it is no longer her house. She got upset, said nobody told her, and that she should have had more say and should have signed the papers herself.

I reminded her that my brother did tell her it was selling (he did) and she told my brother to keep her out of it (she did). Of course she denies saying that. Now she keeps asking me to explain the POA — why do we get to use it? "I thought that was only in case I was unable to do something?"

I was able to kind of vaguely pass something off for awhile but I am certain she'll be obsessing about this today. I don't know whether to just tell her the truth, that we have had to use the POA ever since we realized she could no longer remember how to write a check or understand her bills, etc. What else can I say?

caregiving daughter · October 13

It's a good situation such that you were able to keep your mom generally informed. Unfortunately, her cognitive decline is making it impossible for her to recall any details and her bringing it up and you reminding her that she was aware is just bringing distress.

I would recommend that the next time she asks to return to her home, just listen. If she presses you for a date to bring her there, discuss one further in to the future. Who knows, maybe there could be a time where a drive by is possible. If she continues to press, ask her what is most concerning to her. Perhaps she might ask about her photo albums or a sentimental vase. Take notes on who gave her what gifts as your caring may ease the tension. I also treasure knowing now where my mother's statues, etc. came from. Next time you visit, bring in an item. I made the mistake of bringing my mom several items and I think she just gave them away to caregivers so perhaps one at a time.

Quilting brings calm · October 13

I would deflect whenever the house is mentioned. Drive by? ‘Mom that’s a great idea, but it’s not feasible today. I will let you know when I have an entire day available’. Let’s watch your favorite show while I’m here now. Then just don’t have an entire day available. You do not have to tell her that you are available even if you have nothing planned. She’s been told about the house sale multiple times, you don’t have to tell her again.
About the POA- again don’t bring it up. If she does, frame it as a convenience for her- she doesn’t have to sit on hold to talk to the health insurer, the hospital billing department, etc etc.

H1235 · October 13

I would not try to explain why you need to use the poa. I can’t imagine that would go well. Could you tell her you were trying to save her a lot of work. Present it as you doing her a favor. If she is upset by this, apologize and say you were just trying to help. If she forgets this conversation and brings it up again, try another approach, until you can find something that she accepts. I can see how the idea above to just kick the can down the road (for visiting her home) and put things off might work. It never really worked for me, since moms memory isn’t too bad yet. I am often very vague with my answers. If she asks for specific information I tell her I really don’t know off the top of my head. I’ll have to look and see. I often kind of play dumb. If she pushes on why you are using the poa when she is perfectly capable, I would try similar excuses. You are trying to make things easier for her. Sorry if you overstepped. I would also avoid anything that would bring these topics up in conversation. Bringing her something from her house might seem like a nice idea, but you would also be opening up a conversation about her house that you don’t want to have. I hope you can find something that works. My mom brought up visiting her house a lot (she still owns it). She wanted to go through all her things herself, because she didn’t want me rooting through her personal things. She wants to decide where things will go when she is gone. According to her I have no right to make these decisions. She has not brought this up in a while, but I’m sure I haven’t heard the last of it. I tried all the above and more. At one point it was so bad I just left the visit early (right in the middle of her letting me have it). Another time when on the phone I told her I wasn’t going to talk about it, she kept pushing and I finally apologized and hung up on her. It’s so hard.

lilacgirl · October 13

Thank you for the replies— sometimes their memory loss absolutely works in our favor! Today I picked Mom up to take her to get her flu shot, and I was absolutely dreading the conversation. She surprised me by being in a very good mood, and she told me "I can't remember what happened yesterday, but something made me very sad and I had a rough evening." So she apparently has no recollection of being upset over the house or the POA.

In the heat of the moment, I did not think to say that we were trying to make things easier for her. I'm ready for next time! Thanks — I love this group.

H1235 · October 13

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/284161#Comment_284161

I can totally understand the inability to think of a clear explanation in the heat of the moment. Nerves are on edge and there’s so much anxiety. Sometimes it’s not until I’ve calmed down and read what people here have to say, that I think, why didn’t I think of that.

TheCatWantsOut · October 18

This is really hard. It sounds like you are handling it well, better than I did. I had to sell my mother's house to pay for her Assisted Living bills. I didn't tell her it was sold for about two years. Actually I said something like, "Remember, we sold your house when you moved here?" Fortunately she just said something like "Oh."

caregiving daughter · October 19

Honestly, this is your mom. We love our moms and respect them with all our heart. Distracting or responding in a vague ways sounds inherently wrong. However, with dementia, the situation is now totally different.

What helped me is acting like a professional caregiver. Detaching a bit and being overly kind helped me store away the intense feeling of needing to respect every request. Practicing that mindset allowed me to think "in the moment" more easily,

Mom asking for explanations about house sale, POA

Comments

Commonly Used Abbreviations

Community Guidelines

Categories