Frustration

Mdcelledge67 · October 14

New here. My mother is 94. My sister and I are trying to care for mom at her home ( we have a couple of caregivers who help out) I live 1 hour away from her but come and stay 2 days 1 night each week.
Mom has always thought she was right about everything.. now when she asks a question ( like who owns that house next door… ) I give her an answer but she refuses to believe me ….

caregiving daughter · October 14

Please read up on anosognosia. Your mom is not being defiant or a know at all. She is not being difficult or manipulative on purpose. Given your post on this site, I am assuming she is going through cognitive decline.

Travel and then staying overnight every week is a lot. Perhaps you and your sis could brainstorm living arrangements that may be more supportive for all those involved. Tell us more about what is going well or not as well.

H1235 · October 14

We have a saying here, never try to reason with a person with dementia. Her brain is not working correctly. Even physical proof is often not enough. If a person with dementia gets something in their head it’s hard to convince them otherwise. With dementia they also often lose a lot of independence. I believe my mom would contradict whatever I say out of spite as a way to exert some control over her life. If it really doesn’t matter and it’s not going to harm her in any way, you really need to just agree with her. Trying to convince her will just cause you both a lot of stress. I know it’s hard but I eventually just accepted that I was always going to be wrong. I hope this helps.

Emily 123 · October 14

Hi,

As the disease moves along the person loses themselves in time because they can't retain information —newer memories start to get erased first as the disease progresses, then older ones, and the person moves backwards along their life's memories. For example, she may not remember who lives next door anymore, or she may have lost some years and thinks she's living 5/10/15 years ago in a different home. Somewhere there's a memory she's accessing that doesn't match up with what you're telling her, but she's not deliberately disagreeing with you. I agree with caregiving daughter—the disease progresses, and so doing honest check-ins about how it's working out for all the caregivers is important.

parkercare · October 16

Driving an hour and staying over every week while sharing care with your sister is a lot, on top of the aides. I cared for my grandmother for six years so this sounds familiar. I agree with what others here said, agreeing with her usually goes better than trying to prove the point. Hope you and your sister get some rest too.

fesk · October 16

I agree with all the above who said to agree with your mother. I just posted elsewhere that the caregiver needs to change their approach because the person with Alzheimer's cannot. I think that is one of the most difficult things to learn. You can answer your mother truthfully. If she doesn't believe you or tells you that you're wrong. Simply say something like - you may be right or I could be mistaken - and move onto something else.

Once you can truly understand and realize she is not doing anything intentionally, it will be much easier for you. I know this from experience. I have been caring for my mom for over a decade.

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