Feeling Hopeless

Welcome. Hopefully you are the one with the DPOA. I have had a lot of problems dealing with a difficult sibling. He has his head buried deep in the sand and refuses to accept moms limitations and has no interest in educating himself on symptoms or best practices. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard about moms rights. It just makes everything so much worse. Here is my prospective. If a small child is playing with a knife what do you do? You take it away from them! You don’t worry about how mad they are going to be, you just do what needs to be done it to keep them safe. She doesn’t understand (like the child) how unsafe living alone is. She also doesn’t understand the hell she is putting you through. As DPOA I signed all the paperwork for assisted living. My mom was absolutely furious! My brother insisted we tell mom 2 weeks before the move. I am so thankful and lucky she was willing to get in the car. Some here have said they took their loved one to lunch while other family members set up the room. After lunch they are brought to assisted living. I would warn staff it might be ugly. My mom barely spoke to me for weeks and after that it was months of anger. It wasn’t easy, but she’s safe. Even if your sister holds the DPOA (or your joint) she can’t force you to pay out of your pocket for your moms care and she can’t force you to put in more time than you are able. Stand your ground! DONT feel guilty! I found mom did so much better after she moved to Al. She made friends, participated in activities and just had a reason to get dressed in the morning. Her doctor also prescribed some medication that has helped a lot. I talked with my doctor about anxiety medication for myself. It’s made a big difference for me.

Also agreeing! H1235 and easy23 are correct. Please. Step back from this for a bit if at all possible. Could you at least get mom to adult daycare?

Caregiver burnout is real. It is actually dangerous to physical and mental health.

I really would hope you could still get her to AL or even MC at this point. The goal is for her to be comfortable and safe.

((Hugs))

You will get through this. Who has DPOA? It sounds like you and your sister need to come to an agreement regarding your mom’s long term care and what you’re realistically are willing and able to do. This applies to if your mom stays in her own home or if she moves to AL. My mom was diagnosed in 2018 and we have had many big, ugly bumps in the road where I wasn’t sure I’d come through unscathed. I work FT, have a husband and two kids at home. I’ve probably said “I can’t do this anymore “ a thousand times. My mom has struggled with mental illness her whole life and now her dementia is progressing (agitation, paranoia and delusions). She had a short stint in AL last year until she eloped after 18 days and was found at a house down the street (police involved). She was brought to the ER for a psychiatric evaluation and was released from there to a lockdown nursing home where she lives today. She was already on Medicaid so things moved quickly. If you haven’t already, check with your mom’s state department of aging for information and resources. We are in NH and mom qualified for a home care program while she was living in her apartment which she utilized for 5 years. It was a godsend and bridged the care gaps (home aides, AL voucher) until the crisis occured and she was placed in a lock down nursing home. Come to this forum often for support and information.