Son is shaming me

Sparklebutt · October 23

My DH is mild AZ with anxiety. I accepted my 24 yo granddaughter into our home to stay for a few months while she gets settled into her new job and finds a place to live. It’s been good at times but frequently tense and not light and easy for her as my DH has low tolerance for interruptions to his routine… especially after 5 pm or so. She is my granddaughter/ not his; we never knew her growing up. So my son , her dad , calls and instead of being supportive, lets me know that she’s not comfortable being there and feels like she’s not welcome. That she can’t cook her own food. That she feels she’s being treated like a child. I learned that she’s checking in with him every day to tattle on nana ( me) and how poorly she’s being treated. I have so much on my plate as full time caregiver I just can’t do any more. I can’t give anymore. I can’t. Help ! Any words of support and encouragement will get me through another day.

Maru · October 23

You are in a delicate position. It might be helpful if you have a frank discussion with her. She might need to hear that you want her there but due to your husband's condition, his low tolerance to his routine being interrupted, that you need to set some ground rules…when she has access to the kitchen, that the house needs to be quiet at your bedtime, that she needs to confine her mess to her room, etc.

My DH and I are both quite elderly and even the best of house guests interrupt our routine. I am very sensitive to that. Routines make us comfortable.

CindyBum · October 23

Wow. I'm somehow constantly both shocked and not shocked by people's behavior.

My words of encouragement are these. You're doing an amazing job as a caregiver and you have an amazingly big heart opening your doors to your granddaughter while you're trying to do that. She's a grown adult and any whining she does to her dad is, frankly, none of your concern. That your son felt the need to whine to you as well? He's just plain wrong to bother you with that nonsense and tough luck for them both and their incredibly petty concerns. You don't owe any change of behavior while your DH and you are on this difficult journey.

If possible, shrug them off and keep being the amazingly caring human you are and stay focused where you know you need to be focused — on you and your DH. Your granddaughter is just a temporary, and pretty darn ungrateful, guest.

Big hug.

dcare45 · October 23

IMHO, I would suggest to granddaughter if she does not like it at YOUR house she should find somewhere else to stay. I would encourage her to have her father help her in finding the new place. Reminding her that telling daddy her problems instead of having a discussion with you IS acting like a child. She should understand that living with someone with ALZ is difficult and she needs to fit into your schedules and habits as much as possible. You can help her as much as you can however your first priority is caregiving for your DH.

I did like the kinder gentler comment from @Maru. Your post sounded familiar and got my hair up.

Michele P · October 23

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/77406/son-is-shaming-me

You are under no obligation to continue allowing your granddaughter to stay in your home. You have enough on your plate without this bs. Your granddaughter and your son don’t understand what you and your husband are going through and how having a house guest is disruptive. I would tell her that it isn’t working out and to find another place to live.

Ed's mom · October 23

Listen to CindyBum and others. You have one job and your granddaughter not only isn't it, she could help.

That's a very entitled attitude, sit that young woman down and explain the facts. She can stay and help or not.

Scooterr · October 23

You have your hands full and enough stress taking care of your DH. If she's 24 and doesn't like and appreciate the help you and DH are giving her, then she needs to move on. It sounds like she has been coddle most her life, like many younger people of today. Maybe she needs to appreciate how to struggle on her on for awhile.

H1235 · October 23

What a difficult position. I think maybe a very frank conversation is in order. Explain that because of your DH’s dementia symptoms you are just not able to give her the kind of stay (welcome to my home) she might have expected or that you wish you could (probably true). Tell her how stressed you are. To maintain a relationship (if that’s what you want), grit your teeth and apologize, but tell her that if she is uncomfortable with the living arrangement you understand completely if she would rather move out. If she chooses to stay, maybe tell her you needs the complaints to stop, from her or her dad. I agree with others that instead of complaining, she should be stepping up to help and should definitely be more understanding. While I don’t think you should have to put up with this nonsense, I can see why you might want to avoid a big confrontation that could ruin the relationship. I hope you can find a way to put an end to this without destroying your relationship.

Sparklebutt · October 23

thank you, each one of you. I feel better already. I think I’m especially sensitive to the whole situation since my son and his family remained semi estranged for 20 years. I only got to know this granddaughter a bit since she was 19 or so when she started reaching out to me from NC. We’re in CA. I’ve been the other ( bad) grandma since my hubby and I lived together
for a while before we got married and they didn’t want their babies around us. I now get it that they haven’t changed that much and son seems to still find ways to be critical of me.

/STEVE · October 23

I will tell you what, you can move in to the 4 dimension with me. There are no rules here but be safe. There are no little guy ( not allow in the 4 dimension) sitting on your shoulder telling you what a bad person you are. In the 4 dimension you can tell the GD she is welcome but needs to be part of the solution or leave, and whining to dad is not helping and it is time to grow up. The little guy is not there because there no judgement in the 4 dimension, you can do anything you want as long as you are safe. The one I like is the lie and not having to remember it since no one will remember it anyway. The 4 dimension is a nice place to live. I do not think there are any rules when it comes to ALZ.

Iris L. · October 23

Wait until she steps into the REAL world and things aren't to her liking. Does she pay rent? Please don't feel guilty. Even without a DH with AD, I wouldn't put up with this.

Iris

Son is shaming me

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