Am I Doing the Right Thing

lmckeirnan · October 24

Hi I am new. My Mom has memory loss. I am not the Guardian of the Person so I am not informed to what extent her memory loss is. My sister who is Guardian of the Person does not share that information with me. Communication between my sister and I is only through an attorney. I am my Mom's DPOA. My mom was placed into a facility back at the end of August. When my sister placed her there she placed her in Memory Care. Two weeks ago Mom was moved out of Memory Care and into Assisted Living at the facility. In both areas I was told that I could take my mom off property like to go to lunch or come stay with me for the weekend. Last Sunday while I was visiting my Mom we made plans to go out to lunch and then go to Hobby Lobby to get Mom some more yarn for her crocheting. I called the facility yesterday to let them know that I would be visiting this Sunday and that I wanted to take Mom to lunch and go to Hobby Lobby and the reason.

I was informed by the facility that approval was needed by the sister and the sister only approved going to lunch near by and and only for a couple of hours, there is not a Hobby Lobby there. The facility is not located near a major city. It is considered Rural Ohio. The closest city is 30 minutes away from the facility.

I was wanting to take Mom so that we could spend time together outside of the facility and most importantly so Mom could pick her own yarn.

Am I wrong for still wanting to allow Mom to make her own decisions?

SusanB-dil · October 24

Hello and welcome - I think I am not understanding that if you have DPOA, but sister is guardian, that you don't have more say in the situation? Did sis obtain full guardianship and that overrides DPOA?

Since the facility didn't think she was declining enough for MC and moved her to AL, I would think she would still be able to choose yarn. Maybe not a lot of other things, though.

Being a fiber artist myself, I can understand checking out yarn before purchase. Perhaps you could have her order on-line from your phone? Or purchase some yourself and see what she would like, going from her past purchases. They have a good return policy, just hang onto the receipt. (and every other week, their yarn is 30% off)

I am glad you can still do things, such as lunch, with mom.

It does sound like a very complicated relationship with sis, and I'm sorry.

caregiving daughter · October 24

Yes and no. It is never wrong for you to want your mom to make her own decisions. The condition is that she is able to make decisions independently. If she has cognitive loss, it is reasonable and often necessary for her caregiver/guardian to make decisions.

However, from your post, it's not clear whether there is cognitive loss. I guess we might be able to assume that if the guardianship has taken effect, that there must be some sort of clinical documentation to support taking decision-making away. Contradicting this is that she has been moved to assisted living where there is independence.

If you feel your mom is well cared for and well placed, I would suggest you show flexibility to arrange the field trips to close lunch places, i.e., don't rock the boat. Buy a bunch of yarn, bring it to lunch, have her choose, and then return the rest.

If you have concerns that your mom is not well placed, I would discuss with your attorney and perhaps they can ask your sister for documentation on mom's clinical status. I believe this could rock the boat. I'm not saying you should never do this; however, I would recommend picking and choosing where to challenge as this is a long journey and you don't want your mom to suffer from any of this.

fesk · October 24

From what you wrote, it sounds as if you have financial power of attorney/guardian of the property and your sister is the healthcare proxy/guardian of the person. Is that correct?

I don't know what the issues are between you and your sister but perhaps the attorney can work out a suitable agreement where you can have the visits with your mother they way you like and that your sister share information with you. I would think you would have a right to know that. If your mother is only in assisted living, I would think she could pick out yarn. The issue seemed to be the store you wanted to go to wasn't close by, not so much picking out yarn.

It's a very unfortunate situation. I would try to get a lawyer to get a better arrangement for communication between you and your sister so your mother can be cared for properly.

JulietteBee · October 24

I honestly do not understand the issue. I've never heard of one child being DPOA and the other is their parent's Guardian, ESPECIALLY as she lives with neither of you.

I also see no need to inform the facility of a planned day out with your mom. I believe the requirement is that you need to sign her out when leaving, and sign her back in upon her arrival. You were not tasked with writing a one page essay and getting anyone's approval. Take your mom to lunch and buy her yarn. They are not tracking your mileage…ijs

fesk · October 24

In different states, it is handled differently. In Ohio, different people can be guardian of the person (health, personal care, welfare, etc.) and guardian of the property (finance, property, etc.). Not sure if that is what is being described but it sounded like it to me. The fact that communication only occurs through an attorney implies there is more to this.

H1235 · October 24

Iv never heard of a poa vs guardian situation. I can definitely see why an over night at your house might be a problem. Routine is so important to a person with dementia and an overnight stay could disrupt that. While it might seem straightforward that someone in mid sage dementia should still be able to pick out yarn, I don’t think it’s a given. My mom is about stage 4. If I took her to pick out yarn, she might know the kind she needs and the colors and all that. The problem is she would want to buy 10 things of yarn for a huge project she would never be able to finish. Part of the problem might be her ability to actually do the project (she can’t thread her sewing machine, but believes she can sew like she did 29 years ago)but also because she has no ability to stick with something til it’s done. The next week she would want to pick out 5 yards of material for another project and the week after that she would want craft beads and glue. All these things would clutter up her living space (it happened ). But every person with dementia is different. I would consider is she will be able to follow through and actually make something. Maybe buy 1 or 2 skeins and see how she does before getting enough for a big blanket. If you really think she has the ability to use the yarn, I think one of the above suggestions (let her pick it out on line, or buy several and take back what she doesn’t want). It sounds like your sister has all the power and you might not want to push your luck and end up with her cutting you off altogether (if that’s even possible). Yarn is not worth rocking the boat in my opinion. I have a difficult sibling and I know it can be incredibly tough.

Am I Doing the Right Thing

Comments

Commonly Used Abbreviations

Community Guidelines

Categories