Time for Memory Care

I recently placed my DW into MC two weeks ago. She was sceptical about where we were going. I had to fib and tell her we were going to see her mother. That still clicks and she agreed to get in the car. When we arrived the support staff took over and treated it like a physical exam. They took her to her room and took her vitals. My DW was very cooperative. At that point, the support staff recommended a shuffle to the door without any formal goodbyes. It worked. They also recommended not to visit for at least a week. It has worked. My DW has been adjusting well.

In my opinion, I would not recommend saying to your DH that he will be placed into memory care. Ask the MC facility about their options also.

I hope your transition goes well.

I don't subscribe to the "don't visit for a week" rule. I do a brief daily visit for the first week. The staff needs to see I am involved and monitoring care. My loved one knows they were not abandoned. I pop in once a day and ask about what they needed. There were many small needs that were addressed during the first week. Your robe doesn't have a belt? We will fix that now. You don't know where your toothbrush is? It's right here. Oh your toothbrush is always yellow? I'll get you a yellow toothbrush now. They don't supply tissues? I'll get tissues now.

There is no guilt. And there is only right now, since they have memory issues. No negotiating. Just confirm that is a lovely place. You need to stay here for a while. I will check on you tomorrow. No long chit chat, as they need to start interacting with their new neighbors. This won't happen if they have long conversations with me.

For the question, "Why am I here?" Blame an outside authority. Insurance is requiring a week long observation. Or it's doctor prescribed rest. Then pivot to something different. Don't embellish further. Just repeat the reason. Keep your affect pleasant [which is hard, I know]. It is ok to say this is hard. Change is hard. But end with, "But you are doing great with all of this. I am proud of you with how you are handling all of this change."

My DW is too far along to use her phone. I wish you the best.

DH has been in MC a little over a year. It was the most difficult thing I've ever done. I had his sister come along and we told him it was a fancy rehab place to get him stronger. We scooted out while he was at lunch. We did not adhere to the no visit rule. My DH could no longer use a phone so I didn't have to decide that.

I hesitate to add this, but I did have to move him after about 5 months. The facility could not maintain any leadership and even working through all usual channels, they could not improve. He is in a much better, although more expensive facility now. Like you, I still work and arranging care at home is difficult. More and more I see what they do with the residents there and I know it's so much more than he could get at home.

I have had move three immediate family members into memory care over the years and most recently my DH. Generally people with dementia forget things and they are not good at figuring things out. I just moved them and visited often. In the 6 months my DH was in memory care he only asked to go home once. I pushed him in his wheelchair around the facility and then took him outside for awhile. We went back in after an hour or so and he never asked to leave again. I visited him every day and before I left him I would announce that I had to leave and ask if that was OK. He always said yes. Then I told him that I would be back soon and that I would always be back and that I would never leave him. It worked for us but everyone is different. As a rule I never shared anything with my DH that he couldn't handle.