driving our grandson

Lisa1022 · October 27

my DH was recently diagnosed with MCI. Areas of weakness are recall and processing. I’ve been noticing when he drives he’s slowing down at all intersections even if the light is green. He says he has to make sure no one is coming. I feel safe riding with him but wondered what you all thought about him driving our 3 year old grandson? When do I talk with my grandon’s parents? Just want everyone to be safe

Quilting brings calm · October 27

I would not allow it. He’s starting to react inappropriately while driving. Slowing down like that could cause him to be rear-ended. You really need to mention it to the parents now. If you haven’t told them of his diagnosis, you need to.

Lisa1022 · October 27

thank you for responding. This is so hard

Vitruvius · October 27

Taking away driving privileges from our LO’s as dementia progresses is definitely the hardest issue I see discussed on this forum (with the possible exception of end-of-life issues). More than one member has left us in a huff when forum members suggested or even insisted that their LO should no longer be driving.

My opinion is that driving by PWD should be stopped as soon as dementia becomes evident. Any number of arguments can be raised in support of this. For example: Your insurance likely will not cover an accident if there is a dementia diagnosis. The PWD has reduced cognitive abilities, reduced spatial awareness, reduced reaction time. Getting sued can result in a court case many months later when the PWD has progressed and will appear even more incapable of safely driving. The list goes on.

It can be difficult and cause anger and significant pushback from the PWD. This issue is a major problem particularly for men. It often helps to blame someone else like a doctor for the need to take away driving privileges. A doctor can also help by providing medication to reduce any anger that results.

Caring for our LO’s with dementia absolutely sucks but it is our job to keep them safe and to prevent them from potentially harming others. This is one of the most difficult decision you will have make as a caregiver. I’m sorry that this decision falls on you.

Michele P · October 27

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/77437/driving-our-grandson

I would stop him from driving. Most car insurance companies will not cover an accident with this diagnosis leaving you open to getting sued for everything you own. I would not trust him driving a child. MCI impacts driving.

/STEVE · October 27

This is right up there with putting LO in a home ( I had not done that yet). I would pull the grand kids out of the car and let DH know that the family does not feel it is safe for the kid to be in the car with him driving, tell him often. I would not let him drive me around anymore either and tell him you do not feel safe, even if I felt safe. You need to get him in the mind set that he not safe. I used to ask the DW if she was going to drive until she kill someone. After about a month of this she came around to give up her driver Lic. and got an ID. Four year later it is still a battle as she now does not remember she can not drive. I would do a search too see if some one else has a better way that fit you situation to get the Lic.

brupt30 · October 27

I think that many doctors diagnose MCI as a general umbrella term early on and it can be misleading, causing people to think that they are more competent than they really are (just the term "mild" is especially misleading since we can see the deficits in our own loved ones). It's good that your DH is making an effort to be safe while driving, but I have to agree with the others that he should probably not be driving at all. I've learned in this journey that driving is one of the most complicated things that you can do cognitively and any deficit can be very dangerous for everyone. I'm sorry….your question was more about your grandson and not the overall safety of his driving, but anyone driving with cognitive impairment is putting themselves and others at risk. Having said all of that, I have seen references on this site to occupational therapists who can do in-depth testing of cognitive abilities specific to driving (much more in-depth than a standard DMV driving test)

Lisa1022 · October 27

it is so good to be in a place where I can say anything and you all understand and respond honestly. Thank you.

H1235 · October 27

I would not want my grandkids riding in a car with someone with mci. It’s great he is concerned and cautious at intersections, but I think that shows he is becoming uncomfortable with driving. It sounds like he is struggling to trust other drivers. That is a necessary part of driving along with reaction time, remembering traffic laws, visual depth perception, managing multiple things at one time…. In my opinion if you decide you don’t trust him driving your grandkids, should he still be on the road putting other people’s grandkids in potential danger. I’m so sorry. I know this is incredibly hard.

notequipped · 1:31AM

The parents of your grandson need to be made aware of the medical diagnosis immediately. I’m beyond upset that this information has been withheld from them. That’s not right. Once they have been informed, it’s their call. At a bare minimum, he should have a driving evaluation.

fesk · 2:34AM

It's difficult but he should no longer be driving. You don't want him to get hurt or hurt anyone else. This goes beyond your grandson. Wish you the best of luck.

Lisa1022 · 11:01AM

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/285025#Comment_285025

his parents are aware but this is new to all of us and why I am asking for help here. Please don’t assume, just ask

harshedbuzz · 12:08PM

@Lisa1022

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

The driving piece is hard. It seems to be especially hard for men for whom driving is intrinsically linked to independence, agency and masculinity. It was hard for my dad who had been a real gear head his entire life. This was the hardest part of dementia for all of us. The very last conversation I had with dad, hours before he died, was about me promising to bring him his car (at the MCF) in case he wanted to go somewhere hours before he died.

The driving issue is something of a "unity horse" here and folks— me included— tend to project our own experiences. It's hard, because so often doctors will initially diagnose a PWD with MCI (even when they seem to be more impaired than that) before "upgrading" it to Alzheimer's or some other dementia 6-12 month later. So he might meet the criteria for dementia and be unsafe to drive now.

His driving behavior sounds unsafe now. My dad did this, too. He'd slow down randomly to give himself time to process situations and make decisions. Later, his loss of empathy led him to miss or not care about what another driver's next move might be. Dad's spatial reasoning was bad too. His car was banged up from him having several parking mishaps including 2 garage doors he damaged. It was terrifying. There are specially trained OTs who do driving evaluations which could provide more information in making decisions. Caveats around this are that 1) they're not covered by insurance and 2) they're a snapshot in time in a progressive disease.

Another concern is his insurance. Many policies are voided by driving AMA or if there is a history of dementia or cognitive impairment in his medical record. If he were to have an accident and was sued, this could cost you everything you own. There can also be a civil liability for his POA for allowing him to drive impaired. My mom, who has vision issues not dementia, was sued after an accident. The insurance company represented her and covered costs, but the experience dragged on for a couple years (during which she aged into a very frail looking octogenarian) and was just awful all around.

HB

Lisa1022 · 12:15PM

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/285044#Comment_285044

This was such a kind and thoughtful response and I so appreciate it. I'm so heartbroken that this might be a conversation we need to have quickly. I thought we had time. Our grandson lives 2 hours away and this could severely limit out time with him so I just feel so sad. I'm so glad I found this space, thanks

Cranddi · 7:40PM

My wife's doctor ordered an Occupational Therapy driving test. It takes place in a simulator and clearly showed she shouldn't be driving. When conditions where "normal" her driving was fine. However, when faced with unusual events (child stepping into the street, car cutting her off, etc), she was unable to process the information and react quickly enough to avoid a serious accident. All in the safety of a simulator. The reported stated, "SHOULD CEASE DRIVING IMMEDIATELY". It allowed the Occupational Therapist to be the bad guy and her doctor and I to be sympathetic.

Anna2022 · 7:47PM

I got concerned with DH's driving early, even before his MCI dx in 2023. He would drive 45 mph on the highway and seemed to lack peripheral vision and I got scared. I suspected much more was affected but no matter. After I realized all this, I told him flat out that I would not be in the car when he drove, that I was scared to be in the car with him and that I would drive him instead. It led to arguments but I held fast. Soon thereafter, his car's battery went dead and my DH could not figure out how to fix it, call AAA, or do anything about it. I slowly learned not to offer him any help with the battery or anything to do with his car. He has not driven in 3 years (and I have hidden the keys) although he thinks he drove his car last week. I tried to get rid of the car last year but DH pitched a fit about it and those conversations led to him trying to find the keys. But after trying to open the car door, which he could not do with out a key, he forgot why he was standing there and gave up. So for now, the car sits in the garage, with a dead dead battery and it seems DH has forgotten about it. Soon I will try again to get rid of it.

driving our grandson

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