Death of a partner

Caregiver222 · October 30

My dad died. My mom who has AD saw him after he died and attended the funeral but doesn’t remember.
At first we were telling her that he died but that would cause a meltdown every time and it was heartbreaking.
She wanders the house trying to find him and is constantly asking where he is. They were inseparable for 60+ years.
We have tried fibbing and then diverting her attention but that’s not working. She’s angry, very agitated and depressed.
She’s never going to remember he died but she’s also not going to stop asking about him.
I feel like I can’t even call her (I don’t live nearby) because I will just be a reminder of my dad.
I can’t take this and really don’t know what to do. Any advice?

SusanB-dil · October 30

Sorry for the loss of dad.

You are going to have to keep the fiblets and diversion going, and hopefully something will click for mom. Also do tell her doc that she is angry and agitated. She may need a meds adjustment. MIL was on a mild anti-depressent for a while after we lost FIL and it really helped. (also married for about 60 years)

sandwichone123 · October 30

You might try something vague like "when he gets better," or "when he gets back." Was there ever a time that he traveled or worked away from home? Maybe referring to that time might work, "he's on a field trip 'til next week," (my dad was a teacher) or anything that she might buy.

Jgirl57 · October 31

Sorry about your dad. I’m sure your mother will be confused for a while. So very hard on her and she doesn’t even know why. Maybe it will help you if you don’t call for a bit. You have to give yourself time to grieve too. (((Hugs)))

Emily 123 · October 31

This is hard on everyone, as you have to experience your own grief while you try to shield your mother from upset. And you don't get to share your grief with your mom, which is so hard. I agree that talking with her healthcare providers with an eye to prescribing something to reduce her background anxiety and depression may help. Those may help reduce her focus on trying to locate him. It will be hard for her to let go of having him around if they were inseperable but, if there are visual cues reminding her to look for him, you might try removing them for a bit. Unfortunately the name of the game is keeping her calm, so the fibs and diversions will have to continue.

eaglemom · November 1

I am so sorry about the death of your father. your now having to deal with that and explaining it to your mother. You've received good advice, do not tell her what has happened. Just that he's gone somewhere and won't be back for awhile. Hopefully over time she'll lessen the times she asks.

Its also good to speak with her physician and see if maybe they might give her something to help calm her down. This might only have to be temporary, but it will help the both of you.

eagle

Victoriaredux · November 3

She probably feels the loss but her brain and memory aren't letting her process the situation "normally." Acknowledging her feelings can help.

This Teepa Snow video may be helpful :

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z13LeCCtbQQ

KBSpunky · November 4

I am right where you are. My dad passed away Dec 2025. Mom has AD. I brought her to the funeral. She speaks of dad often and asks when he will be home from work or where he is? My answers have changed a bit in the last nine months from fibbing to now redirecting and talking about him as if she does remember that he is gone.

Mom: “where is Richard”

Me: Dad is (was) such a hard worker. What else attracted you to dad?

mom: he was so good looking.

me: He is and he was lucky to find such a beautiful woman like you.

This is just an example. Her brain somewhere knows he is gone but like all of us she still wants to talk about him and his life.

They were married 67 years. When she went into memory care he visited every day like clockwork.

She misses him. We don’t talk about his death but still talk about him. It’s hard because I also miss my dad. In a way this also helps me grieve my loss.

Death of a partner

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