DH will not bathe or shower

What is it with PWDs and bathing!?  People who never went a day without taking one now resist it vehemently. I can commiserate, although our situations aren’t quite the same. My DW won’t take a shower if offered a choice, so I don’t ask. I just lead her into the bathroom and put her in. I try for twice a week, because it is a trial for both of us. For your DH, a couple things come to mind: Does he dress himself?  My DW needs help and is used to me pulling her clothes on and off. When I pull her nightgown off over  her head, I know when she really needs a shower. Since at that point she is already naked, putting her in the shower is just one more step in the routine. I don’t tell her she needs to bath, I just do it.  She is pretty compliant at that point, unlike your DH, so maybe this isn’t a solution for you. The second idea is one I read about here, and that is to have someone else shower him; maybe family member, home health aide, or even a close friend. The spousal relationship contains many subconscious feelings and motives. Maybe even resentments. In a working, loving brain these things get resolved with logic and positive emotion, but in a broken brain, who knows? Maybe someone with a less emotional connection will be able to make a difference.

Butterfly Wings, your posts are always thoughtful and show your love and commitment to your DH.  I have found them uplifting and often helpful in my own struggles. I wish I could do more to help you with this one. 

ButterflyWings, I do like reading your posts because some of what you are experiencing as a caregiver I can relate to in many ways and like the way you share what you are experiencing as a caregiver because sometimes I feel that my DH has unusual symptoms and finding that others are dealing with the same issues gives me peace of mind that I am not alone in this struggle - and many days it is a struggle for both the caregiver and patient. I have been his sole caregiver for 4 years, and I am hoping to continue until the end as his caregiver -- and I know there will be an end because of this terrible disease.

 I am going through the exact situation with bathing, and hygiene in general.  Husband was always sort of stubborn and now with this disease e is even more so.  He liked doing things for himself  - never wanted anyone to fuss over him, and now that he cannot most things for himself he does not want anyone else to fuss with him.

 DH just will not take a shower or bathe no matter what has been tried using the hand held shower, warm bathroom, etc.  He puts up such a fuss and then becomes aggressive.  He does not like taking his clothes off  and to be dressed again - this is one of the situations, plus the fuss it takes to get him in the shower and for me to wash him, dry him, dress him, etc. Before this disease DH would take a shower AM and PM and was very meticulous about his hygiene, keeping up with all his doctor and dental appointments. 

We have tried outside caregivers, plus our daughter who is a registered nurse and has been a caregiver in the past, had no luck without struggling and then with DH falling in shower because he did not want to be there.  It is not worth the frustration and anxiety. I have had to resort to using extra large Adult disposable washcloths on him (Assurance Brand from Walmart)...good price and smell nice.  I get them by the box.  I also use them when I have to clean his private areas and after he has bowel movements.  I did get some non-rinse foam soap also for wiping him down (Nurture from Amazon). Of course any brands can be used, but using these is the only way I can sneak in a wipe here and there on the body.  Sometimes I can even get a basin with soap in it and give him a very quick sponge bath during the warmer months.  I have even wiped Old Spice Antiperspirant Deodorant over parts of his body...his body odor has changed and of course with less hygiene on his part this does help - at least helps me with his body odor at times.

Shaving - can only use the electric razor and only a bit here and there.  He will not tolerate a full treatment.  Most things work when I can get him in a good mood and mornings seem to work the best.  When it gets near sun-downing time all bets are off on most things.

He will not let me cut his nails or clean them without yelling and fussing.  Again, sometimes I will get a basin of warm water with soap and try to soak his hands in them to get the nails clean but still so much fuss.  For his hair, I have to use the Nurture to clean his hair with the Adult disposable Wipe and a hand towel to dry.

And it goes on and on.  We are now at the point where he is incontinent (wears adult pull ups) and is not eating much -- but he can find a way to eat MMs with Peanuts and likes Ice Cream.  I have tried different foods, and of course he no longer likes the foods he used to. 

Added to all of this, DH now can barely sit for a few minutes in a doctor's office and refuses blood to be drawn, blood pressure readings, etc.  And forget about dental appointments.  He never minded going for regular exams, etc., but now they would have to really sedate him for any procedure to be done.

When he was in the hospital for a UTI (septicemia) they would put his meds in puddings, yogurt, applesauce - and he knew that and hated it.  Now he will not eat any of those because I have found the only thing they did not use was ice cream and this is where I have to put his crushed Seroquel. 

I have found in most cases the struggle, anxiety, aggression I have to deal with when I want DH to do something is not worth it because I end up in tears and he becomes angry all day when I try to force anything on him.  Alternatives work the best and often are much easier on the caregiver and patient.

The worse part is DH has also been diagnosed with Primary Aggressive Aphasia and so that makes communication almost impossible.  If it wasn't for his facial moves, grunts and often the word of NO can come out of his mouth, plus the flailing of arms, I would not have any idea what was on my husbands mind. 

ButterflyWings, I wish you the best of everything in this care-giving role as I do every other caregiver and that there will be good days when we can find easier ways to deal with the care-giving.  I have taken bits and pieces from this web site to use on my husband that make things easier for him and I.  Some days we think we cannot go on another day when nothing goes right but then a new day comes along and that day seems a bit easier for us as caregivers.

I have been very fortunate because my wife will listen to one of our daughters, who will call at least twice a week (or every other day) to tell her mother it's time for a shower. She can talk her into just about anything, when I wouldn't have a chance.

My vote is like the others when they say he will probably be more likely to accept the demands of another person when it comes to bathing. Maybe another family member could do it, or it might be time to have an aide come in. I wish you luck. I know it's not easy.