Resentful and bitter at times

Nonna24

I am going to be perfectly honest. My husband who is prob in late stage 6 or early stage 7 dementia was not always the best husband. He was very narcissistic and did cheat on me during our marriage. I hung in there because if I left him he would have no one. He did not have a good relationship with his family. He and his mother basically couldn’t stand each other!!  His brother and him were on and off also. We have two daughters. One daughter is pretty good with her father. The other daughter did not have a good relationship with him. Don’t get me wrong we did have some good times with travel ect. But here I am as his caregiver. Unfortunately there are days that I get so resentful when I think about things on our years of marriage that were not pleasant!!  I hate feeling bitter because I know he can’t help it but the feelings just take over me. I take care of him to the best of my ability being he needs me to do pretty much everything for him now. Is it terrible to pray that this doesn’t go on for many more years??!!!?  I am not a horrible person but I honestly am looking forward to getting my life back!!

Doityourselfer

I don't think it's terrible to pray that this doesn't go on for many more years.  I hear you loud and clear about looking forward to getting a life back.   Being a caregiver to my husband isn't easy.  Worst job ever for me.   I look forward to my freedom someday, and hopefully it's sooner rather than later.

abc123

Hi Nonna, you have every right to be bitter and angry at times. Do not deny your feelings. You are human too and you matter every bit as much as anyone else. Just try not to let these feelings consume you and identify you because you are better than this. 

I can relate to your post on so many levels. I wish you the best. 

Crushed

DW was the love of my life and a complete sweetheart of a mother and wife.  AND I AM STILL BITTER AND RESENTFUL not at her , its not her fault but for want of a better word at The the UNIVERSE.

Do whatever you need to do to stay alive and sane

Nonna24

Thank you all for not making me feel like a terrible person. Don’t get me wrong I never take my feelings out on him because I know this is not his fault!  I try to be as patient with him as I can. You are right I get mad at the universe for putting us in this situation!!!  I know there is a reason for everything but as humans we have to ask ourselves what possibly could be the reason that we are all having to go through this!! He has a drs appt on Tuesday. I wanted to see if he would qualify for hospice services yet. Any help would be so appreciated!!!

Nonna24

Yes doityourselfer I too am looking forward to my freedom one day!!  I am 63 years old and hoping I have many more years left. I feel selfish to say this but I miss the traveling, going out to dinner, doing fun adventures with my grandchildren. I’m praying that I will be able to do those things again one day!!  I keep telling myself that this is all part of life. That life is unpredictable and will throw you curve balls at times!!  One day at a time!!!!

Ed1937

Nonna, as human beings we all need a life of our own, at least a little. Nothing wrong wanting it to be over with.

Although a doctor might help you get into hospice, it isn't a necessity. If you don't get the green light there, you can call different hospice services to see if one will evaluate him positively for hospice. From what I understand, they are not all the same. Good luck. Hospice can be a huge help.

Lynne D

With a few minor changes, I could have written your message. My husband has two daughters (one our own). Neither wants a relationship with him because he was narcissistic and overbearing during their upbringing. To everyone else but those who loved him, he was charming and charismatic. We were in counseling and I was planning on leaving him when he had an aneurysm, followed by dementia. 

I ask myself the same questions. Why did I have an unbearable marriage, followed by the misery of taking care of this emotional tormentor? When will it end? I am going to be 60 this year, and just want to be unfettered. 

We have an appointment with a neurologist on Thursday, and I wrote a note to slip to the doctor to make the appointment easier. My husband has ansognosia, and talking of his deficits in true terms agitates him, and would make my life a living hell after the appointment. I also put on the note that he had tried Aricept but could not tolerate it because of stomach upset. It made me think - why delay the progression of this disease. Let's just let it take its course.

Then the guilt.

I am not sure what stage he is in, but he talks in word salad, won't bathe, sleeps about 16 hours per day. He is mostly pleasant (and I never show anything but patience and kindness towards him) but sometimes recognizes his deficits and blames me...I am "down" on him. It seems like those narcissistic tendencies carry into dementia.

All I can say is I share your feelings.

JM1316

Hi,

I am only 1-1/2 yrs in this nightmare of a journey and nowhere near where you are now.  But I have thought about the future and know for sure when I get to your level of care for your loved one that I will most likely feel the same way.  

Love that people on here totally understand!

Dottie

4Grams

To All Who answered Nonna24,

I think all people who are caring for dementia patients wonder Why?. My husband has had a very bad week so that makes me and my family have a bad week. I’ll be honest, I have prayed for the Lord to take him. He is miserable and so am I. Feel quilty? Yes I do. Hang tough!

Nonna24

I understand Lynn D. It is very hard isn’t it!!??  My husband was the same way for some reason everything was always my fault. If he wasn’t in such a late stage somehow I’m sure his dementia would be my fault. I really try to be understanding. I often think though if the shoe was on the other foot and I was sick would he be taking care of me. I already know the answer. I pray that God takes away the bitterness I feel at times. I would never turn my back on him now because that is the type of person I am also praying that I will be able to keep up with it. Don’t get me wrong I do feel very bad that he is going through this but at the same time hoping to have my life back sooner than later!

CStrope

Wow Wow Wow.  I was just trying to figure out how I was going to write my post, and then I started reading these responses.  I am SO there.  I've been married 34 years, only 24 when I got married.  I don't want to say that our marriage was terrible, but I certainly ended up with a huge portion of all "duties and responsibilities" throughout our years.  My DH was raised a spoiled brat, and then I married a spoiled brat!  I have spend the last 3 decades making sure he was happy. We too have 2 grown children, and I'm not completely sure how they feel about their relationship with their dad.  Everything has always been whatever he needed or wanted, and then everyone else second.  That is part of the reason we overlooked the symptoms of his illness for so long.  He never did take care of finances, so there wasn't a red flag there, and he never has done much around the house, so no signs there either.  It wasn't until I realized he didn't know our address, his birthday, etc that we were able to actually figure out something was going on.  There were many occasions when he seemed ---  off.  But if we asked him about  it we were accused of picking on him, trying to cut him down, etc.  His family was totally disfunctional, and he hasn't spoken to his two older sisters since his parents died 22 years ago!

Even now, since his official diagnosis, there is no conversation about what is happening or what is to come.  On the way home from the doctor, I tried to engage in a conversation about what we had just been told, and he just refused to talk about it.  So now, we just continue on like nothing is wrong.  I'm the youngest of 7, and in my family we talked about EVERYTHING!  His messed up family was just the opposite.  

I don't know how to handle this strange silence about something that is going to have such a huge effect on our lives.  If I try and say anything about it, he just says he's fine and I need to leave him alone.

So I completely understand how many of you are feeling.  I too have some resentment, not only about the disease, but also about the fact that once again I'm going to have to take on more responsibility, and the stress of having to ignore the elephant in the room every day really stinks!

Gig Harbor

My husband knows his memory is failing but he is not worried about it. I have always “orchestrated “ our daily lives since I worked less hours and had more time. By the time he retired at 61 he assumed I would tell him what needed to be done and he would do it. He is older than I am and I retired three years ago at 66. He is now 81 and just goes thru life expecting me to do everything. He helps but often it is easier for me to just do something rather than trying to explain. He honestly thinks I like to do everything. I am angry many days. I plan in my mind what I will do when I have my freedom. I bought a treadmill and exercise everyday so that this disease does not take me down with him. Definitely not how I hoped my retirement would be. I do try to enjoy small things and make changes in my house that make me happy. The goal is to thrive not just survive.

Mint

Nonna24,  is there any chance you could use adult daycare or a private caregiver some so you could have time for you and your grandchildren.  It would be very good for you if this is possible.

Crushed

You all are reminding me "I felt sad because I had no shoes until I met man who had no feet"  I was the "homemaker" for a brilliant, busy physician/  public servant who loved her children, her work and me.   But that was also the priority order  for time.   When the disease hit she had to retire at 60.  She could be stubborn but not mean. She was used to being supported in whatever she needed to do  (She always said she was spoiled rotten)  She knew she could not drive but instead wanted me to drive her wherever she wanted to go.  But the  places were imaginary.  She was a nature photographer and I would set up her cameras while she was asleep.  I would then tell her I "checked" them and all was correct.

Thsoe of you with difficult spouses or partners you have my total admiration. 

janeymack

Nonna, like Lynne D and CStrope, our marriage stories are strikingly similar. It has been a 37 year private struggle. Thank you for sharing. I have found my people!

My husband was diagnosed in 2013, at age 60. We have not had one single conversation about the future, medical or financial planning, etc., because of his narcissism and anosognosia. He would not discuss the diagnosis from Day 1, because of his fear of exposure and weakness. (I should correct that because we did get DPOAs set up with our attorney a few years back, but that day was the beginning and end of the discussion.)

His response to any story he hears or sees on TV, even those he cannot possibly relate to in any way, whatsoever, is "I would have done xyz", or "I think xyz", or "When I was xyz". The connection he makes, as he tries to relate the story to himself, is simply not there. He cannot relate to the world beyond himself. Sure it's the disease, but maybe the transition inward is almost seamless if the person has narcissistic tendencies to begin with? 

I have always handled finances, or more accurately, tried to pay bills with what was left after he bought whatever he wanted, on a never-ending whim, with no regard for his wife and two children. Maybe he was trying to buy the happiness he saw on the faces of models in catalogs, but it was a black hole that was not fillable. As a result, we have a house crammed full of material possessions that will eventually need to be dealt with. Now that his disease has progressed beyond his ability to shop or online shop, he has begun hoarding, usually by hiding items set aside to donate to charity. But, the silver lining is that I am still working and can now save and invest much more, hopefully enough to provide for us both until the end.

This marriage becomes easier each day as he declines. That realization no longer makes me feel guilty.  I certainly paid my dues during the "good" years of his life. There will, of course, come a time that each day becomes more difficult, most likely Stage 6 once he needs help bathing and when incontinence begins. But, I can deal with THIS day today, and that's all that matters!

ElaineD

Dear Nonna24:  

Your post resonated with me, as it did with so many.  I'm not where you are in your journey with AD/Dementia, yet.  But my marriage of 58 years has been very much like yours.  

My husband is 81 and the 9th of 11 children.  Vascular dementia is a major part of his family history.  An older sister (91) died this month after 3-4 years in Memory Care.  My husband is tracking exactly with the course of her dementia. The next five years will be increasingly difficult for us, I know.

It's early days, however, and he hasn't had an official diagnosis,  He has however told two of his physicians that his memory issues are 'normal for his age'.  

He has 1. personality changes, 2. apathy, 3. loss of executive function, 4. loss of social filter, 5. lack of empathy, 6. and ever increasing loss of short term memory, with some apparent gaps in his longer term memory (trips to Germany, Italy, Ireland, are mostly gone.)   There are other signs, as well.

What I know, for myself, is that anger and resentment are killers.  I have had to 'come to terms' with profound disability, heart disease, and other difficult health issues. 

These are ways I have 'coped' and helped my peace of mind:

1. I see a therapist that I talk with weekly. Now we meet on Zoom instead of in the office.  My husband is in the other room, and I lock the door.    

2. I take an anti-depressant.  Since age 30 I've always been 'in therapy', so I started with Prozac and have taken several different antidepressants for over 30 years.   It really helps me, but I know it's not for everyone.

3. I exercise daily, both at the Fitness Center and in the pool.

4. I found online Forums like this one for help with my physical 'conditions'. And I found that I could share, 'vent', learn so much, laugh (yes!) and gain so much caring support.

5. Over the past 4 years I updated our wills, made and paid for our funeral arrangements, a cemetery plot, and a headstone that is engraved and in place.   This gives me peace of mind.  Over 30 years ago I bought LTC Insurance policies for both of us.

6. Two years ago we moved to an Independent Living apartment in a Senior Living Community in our city.    We didn't make the move one minute too soon, for both of us.    The staff is professional and is very aware of our situation, and there are both Assisted Living and Memory care on site.  Many of my friends here had a spouse with AD/Dementia who died after they moved here.   

One major difference between us, Nonna, is that I WILL NOT be physically able to be a caretaker for my husband.   I cannot even do the laundry, now.  I really try not to 'imagine' what challenges lie ahead.  

What I know is that this forum is already helping me.

Love, Elaine

Lynne D

Hey there Janeymac!

Your post gave me permission to not feel guilty. 

My husband had handled the finances, and I was petrified about accommodating a loss of 40% of his income. As it turns out, he was spending so much that we were actually in a better place financially when he became incapacitated. He spent on guns, ammunition, vehicles, musical instruments. I was appalled at how much his arsenal sold for. I also suspect he also spent on drugs and women. All the while putting me down and controlling me.

I feel foolish for falling prey to a narcissist. My goal in taking care of him is to get by as easily as possible and to retain as much money as I can so I can have a life after this sh-- show.

DoninNC

I understand your feelings completely. I used to be very active in maintaining my physical health and in the community doing search and rescue, community emergency response, amateur radio, camping and hiking. Now I sit at home caring for my DW. I too get frustrated that all the things I loved to do have come to a grinding halt. BUT I still love her with all my heart and I'll do whatever I have to do for her but I HATE HATE HATE this disease and what it has done her, and what it has done to our life and I pray that she'll be released from its evil clutches. Unfortunately I'm afraid that it will be years before that happens.

DoninNC

God Bless and sincere wishes for peace and strength

M1

I'm with Crushed on this one, my heart goes out to you. I've had an extremely happy twenty -six year partnership, and this is still so hard, I can't imagine doing it in the face of an unhappy relationship.  You put me to shame. My mother was the toxic relationship for me, and though it sounds harsh to say it, best thing that ever happened to me was her relatively early sudden death when I was just 41. It was so freeing. I don't think you need to feel guilty for anticipating that. I can only imagine what misery it would have been for both of us had I had to care for her in her old age. I'm impressed and humbled at how you guys are carrying on despite what must be terrible emotional burdens.

maelz

Hello I am a caregiver for my husband who was diagnosed in 2016 with late onset Alzheimer's. He is now in  Hospice .We have been married for 51 years this January in which he has know recollection .At this point I am just venting and really feel bad but to be with someone for 51 years and he only really know my name. At one time he recognized my voice but he calls me other family members name that has sinced passed on. We have been the one who have taken care of all family member who were sick and or had any kind of problems, he was very outgoing and never met a stranger. When he realized something was wrong it as he really gave up..Evey now and then we get a spark of life when he see one of our grandsons.  The kids and I and a few special family member have tried to get him interested in lots of things .to know avail. Going back we used to walk every day, go to the park and just sit and talk.. We both are retired His hallucation have increased also what is with this reaching for things that only he sees.He know longer take Aricept or nameric because Hospice says its not helping.Can anyone tell if there LO has stop walking. or any weight gain suggestion as his appetite is still good .I  know I am all over the place but its been one of those days. As I said i just needed to vent.

maelz

French

I can imagine what all of you who are married to a narcissistic can feel. The father of my children was one and I was very unhappy. The divorce was very complicated and he turn my son against me. It’s sometimes still complicated because he is always right and needS to show me and our children he dominates.

My partner who is EOAD Is exactly the contrary. Really kind. I care of him because he deserves it : he made me happy. But sometimes I wonder why me again. We only spent 7 nice years together Before the first signs of the disease ( against 14 for the mother of his children). It’s difficult to find the motivation even if he is very easy.

I think that even with the father of my children, I would have done the same, just because he was the father Of my children. I would have done it for them.

But now, with an external point of view, when I read your posts, I think « run away, now you can, he can’t dominate you anymore ». Easy from an external point of view... I know. I also know that if you are with a narcissistic, it’s because he has chosen you... exactly because you are serviable and because you will accept everything. So it’s not in your nature (neither mine) to leave somebody when he needs you.

 However perhaps you should state your limits, l you have paid enough.

Lynne D

French, thank you for your thoughtful and insightful comments. You are right, we stay because of who WE are, not because of who they are. All whining aside, I am not one who takes on challenges willingly. This one, thrust upon me, actually give me a purpose and sometimes makes me feel fulfilled (on a good day).

Austin Mom

You are not horrible at all to pray. Peace to you. You are a good woman to stick with him through this. Take care of yourself as best you can.

KMT4347

There truly is safety in numbers. I haven't been here in quite a while and it's been a long time since I posted. I hit a wall this morning ( again) which brought me to this place. I've read a lot today and this post prompted me to respond. I have been married to my husband for 52 years. He was diagnosed with vascular dementia around 4 years ago. His condition has declined quite a bit of late. He sleeps about 12 hours every night and dozes most of the rest of the day. He was a well respected and admired teacher. Now he barely interacts and it's all so sad to watch. He was also diagnosed with Asperger's not so long ago which is apparent in his inability to empathize and his seeming self centeredness. I am his sole caregiver and it is literally a thankless job. It seems that this gets to me every so often and I lose it and get angry with him. I feel bad afterward because he is, for the most part, very cooperative and pleasant. I feel lucky in that. I'm wanting to thank you all for sharing your stories and allowing me to forgive myself for being human. We are all members of a challenged group just trying to do the best we can. I am fortified by your words and will keep them close.

Kibbee

I can also relate to Nonna 24 - about feeling resentful and bitter at times.  It's hard not to, when I look at our friends our age, who are happy together and are busy with traveling and socializing .. things that are becoming increasingly out of reach for me with my husband.

But one of the things that makes these feelings so difficult is that sharing them and really being understood is very rare

.  I find that if I try to express this to my siblings they will chide me and say "he can't help it".  This is  no comfort and sure feels judgmental, as in I'm supposed to shut up and put up or there is something wrong with me.

If I try to express this to my Mother, she says "You're handling things beautifully .. all your cousins say so!".   OK, so many problems with this.  First of all I don't relish the thought that all my cousins are chewing over my life.  And again, although put nicer, it still feels like shut up and put up.

As far as friends I am careful what I say.  I don't want to burden them with my problems, and I also realize that people want to socialize people who are happy and fun.  They don't really want to deal with a Debbie Downer.  So no outlet for understanding there.

And then there is the one that really bugs me ... "You're a hero!".  Well thank you very much but I never wanted to be a hero, I'm just stuck in a tough spot and trying to do the best I can.  And believe me I would trade that lousy Hero title for a fully functioning husband in a heartbeat!

Lakelife

It is a very difficult journey. My husband has a lot of anger, mostly at me. It gets very difficult to let it roll off because , at this stage it is only me. Wants my help, resents my help , the smallest thing can turn into an argument and I am always at fault. It is exhausting, totally understand your feelings

Lakelife

I have to say finding a venue with people that understand is exactly what I need, we all need!

My husband also plays the silence game and refuses to discuss anything surrounding his dx.

We cannot discuss anything , and everything I say and do is wrong. It is a tough way to spend everyday....

Hang in ...

Kibbee

If we can get past Covid I would like to find a local in-person support group for Caregivers, specific to those caring for a person with AZ or some other cognitive decline.  I think the face-to-face interaction with others going through similar experiences would be helpful.  And who knows ... perhaps I will make a new friend or two, or find someone who I can trade off helping out so that one of us can take a break  now and then.

janeymack

Just need to vent:

H needs to STOP feeding the dogs from his plate. I want and need my dog to live longer than H because she is what keeps me going every day.

H needs to STOP eating the one pint of dairy-free ice cream that I buy for myself and eat the TWO half-gallons I buy for him.

H needs to STOP telling me stupid stories about every girlfriend he ever had before he met me. I've heard all the stories before and put up with 15 years of you flirting IN FRONT OF ME with every waitress, and every woman who crossed your path, and sleeping with many others.

I've paid my dues. Just shut up and watch your stupid youtube videos. I'll keep feeding you and taking care of you because that's who I am. I am your caretaker, but no longer your victim. I am married to you, but no longer your wife. Do whatever you want and I will clean it up. Say whatever you want and I will pretend to listen. Eat whatever you want and I will buy more, cook more, present your plate full of food to you. Complain about all of it and I will agree and nod. I am numb. Years of verbal abuse, and learning to be "gray" and dull so as not to elicit or feed your fiery responses have prepared me to be the best robot caretaker in the world.

This is simply my current existence. I am a pro. I thank God I never stopped working so I still have an outlet to the world of professional, intelligent people. I still have an income. I no longer need you. You need me. You're the lucky one because I have empathy and a conscience.