Resentful and bitter at times

ElaineD

Dear janey,

I read every heart-felt word of your post.   Thank you.

Elaine

John_inFlorida

DW is still in mild state now, like 5/6, but has a lot of health issues on top of everything. I know what you mean about wanting your life back. I also miss being able to go out and have fun. COVID makes it that much harder. Some days are worse than others, so plans need to be changed all the time. I am younger then her, 63. So I expect to have many years left. It's been about 9 years now with VD. Arricept seems to have helped. So weird how one day can be almost normal and the next shes so confused. Doesnt seem to be any pattern about why. Nice to have a place like this just to vent.

CStrope

Janeymack your ice cream story was spot on!  We were visiting our daughter over the weekend, and brought home a box of delectable donuts.  There was 1 that I picked out as my all time favorite.  After we got home, I had to head to my home office to get some work done.

Later in the evening, we started talking about the donuts, and he said he didn't plan on having any more because he had already eaten one.  You guessed it....the one that I had picked out because it was my favorite.

Deep down I know he didn't do it on purpose, and he most likely had no remembrance that it was my favorite.  It still made me mad!  I wanted that donut! A big part of me felt guilty for these feelings, but then I realized the donut was just a metaphor for so many things.  Sometimes it's easy to feel like so many things that I want are now gone, and I can't do anything to change that.  Because of DH's dementia, I have to get used to not having anyone take my wants or needs into consideration......ever again.

Crushed

Kibbee wrote:

And then there is the one that really bugs me ... "You're a hero!".  Well thank you very much but I never wanted to be a hero, I'm just stuck in a tough spot and trying to do the best I can.  And believe me I would trade that lousy Hero title for a fully functioning husband in a heartbeat!

Dear Kibbee   "stuck in a tough spot and trying to do the best I can "   is the definition of a hero.   Only a lunatic would want to be a hero.  I have a disabled grandchild.  I know my daughter and her husband would have preferred  a child without limitations.  But they have given up other things in life to be great parents, and I salute them as heroes. 

when asked exactly how he became a war hero, Kennedy famously said, “It was involuntary. They sank my boat.”

Mint

That does create a hole in our heart, our wants and needs never being considered again.  Those days are surely gone it seems.

David J

This has become quite the thread: into page 2. I read the despair or numbness in all the voices and it makes me sad. No, this isn’t the way I envisioned my retirement. I envisioned travel, adventure, playing with boats and cars, and being the caretaker of the property, not the caretaker of my wife. Funny, but I don’t resent her being number one in all things, it’s just that we never get to number two. 

Some of you have had difficult relationships with your LOs before the onset of dementia, and I’m sorry for that. Others had what sounds like good relationships but now they’re gone, and I’m sorry for that too. I am sorry for myself. 

I do a video consultation with my DW’s psychiatrist every month, where we review her meds and her behaviors, and make changes if necessary. This week he called me a hero. Hero my a**!  I’m just doing what needs to be done. As JFK said, “they sank my boat”. 

We do what had to be done because that’s who we are. We are on this forum because if we’re going to do this we’re going to do it the best we can and get advice and support to help us. I know this forum has been immeasurably helpful to me, and I thank you all. 

We all worry about the life we have and the life we will have when this is over. Will I ever laugh again?  Will I have someone to laugh with?  Will I still want to do the things that I want to do now and can’t, or will all that pass?  What will life be like without her?  To have her be the very center of life for so many years and then..... what?

I’m rambling. Sorry. It’s just that this thread opened up a lot of grief. 

anneleigh

I can resonate with all the stories.  I feel way too young at 62, married 38 years to be going through this.  I have learned to tolerate his behavior.  Yes I have often wanted this to end sooner, but he still has that special sweetness about him that makes me laugh and I like his gentleness with the grandkids.  Husband is most likely in stage 6 now and I feel his stages have progressed fast since he was diagnosed in 2017, he just turned 67.

I am really glad I have joined this group as it helps me get through the bad days and appreciate others who are also going through similar circumstances.  Have a good day all~ 

janeymack

David J - Yes, this HAS become quite the thread! Misery may love company, but then "many hands make light the work" fits a little bit when we reflect on the emotional burden we all carry in various forms.

Today I managed to do my paying job, take care of H, bake some bread, and made a much-needed emotional support connection from a new friend from this board. 

Today was a good day. Thank you, all, for being out there, listening.

JudyMorrowMaloney

NI it's not terrible to pray that this doesn't

Go on for years. I pray for a quick end for my

DH because it's not doing him any good to live like

This. I didn't have a good marriage with my husband

Either. Everything was always about him. You are not a bad 

Person for feeling the way you do. 

jane8851

I'm new here and taking care of my husband who has dementia. This thread has really helped me feel that I'm not alone. Married 45yrs. and many times I wanted to end the marriage but I stayed. He has always been verbally abusive but now he has the mean kind of dementia which stepped it up to a whole other level. Every other word is the f word, calls me filthy names, demeans and belittles me, and has raging anger every day. I wish I had left when I was young and before he got sick. I'll stay now and take care of him at home but it's hard. Every day leaves me emotionally exhausted. Bitter and resentful, yes and yes. I know he wouldn't take care of me if the situation was reversed.

Crushed

Dear Jane

I am also married 45 years , but to a brilliant, wonderful, caring, loving woman. She is now in an Alzheimer's facility due to psychosis and wandering.

IMHO No one is entitled to a personal caretaker when their disease driven behavior results in abuse of the caretaker.  NO ONE is entitled to destroy another person's life.

I don't care that it is the disease.   Do whatever it takes to keep yourself alive and sane an healthy

jane8851

We have a doctor appointment on the 10th and I emailed the doc concerning the verbal abuse. Hopefully he can prescribe something to calm my husband down. I'm not afraid for my safety but I can't take the insults and swearing day after day. I read somewhere on this forum to respond to angry behavior calmly so that's how I handle it. I just don't engage until he calms down and then I calmly try to find out what the problem is. Today it was he thought I put something on his recliner to make him itch.

Doityourselfer

Jane8851, 

I agree with Crushed that no one is entitled to destroy another person's life - disease or no disease.  My EOAD husband is not always easy to take care of.  He is on 300 mg of Seroquel per day - 150 mg in the morning and 150 mg in the early evening.  This medication sedates him and that is best for us at this time.    When he is in his verbal abuse mode it's torture listening to him curse over and over.  

Crushed

Ive told this story before but perhaps you need a light moment. 

I was visiting my lovely polite lady like wife's room  in memory care

She smiled at me and started saying  F*ck F*ck F*ck ..... over and over. 

 
The director came by and said "I think she likes you "    I said "I think she is trying to say CAKE"

So when you hear F*ck  think CAKE 

jane8851

I'll try that! I've been pretending I have a mute button in my head and can mute him when he's swearing at me. But I like the cake idea better.

Potsie

Hi All, 

I am new here and I am amazed at all we share. I have had so many feelings of sadness, guilt, resentment, loneliness, frustration and anger at the universe. I am sorry that you all are going through this horrible journey. None of of deserve it. When I recently was informed of this site I couldn't wait to check it out. Now I know I am not alone. I needed this 4 years ago. I need it now too. Thank you

CStrope

Welcome Potsie, you will definitely find a bunch of us that you'll feel you have a lot in common with.  Don't be afraid to start a new post/thread.  You'll find lots of support and similar stories to help you through these difficult times.

1962ART

Dear Everyone:  Thank you to all who have posted on this thread.  You are all so honest and helpful.  I hear what you're saying and I am nodding as I read.  It's true; it's true, I think to myself. 

On nights like this, I turn to this website for encouragement, validation and ideas for the future.  Sometimes I write responses and just the writing of them helps me.  Then I delete what I have written in case I sound stupid, uncaring, or unkind.  

So, please know how much your sharing is appreciated.

nancyj194

I also am on the same path here as I read the posts. My heart goes out to everyone.

My parents, sibling ,and so many of my friends,  had what appeared to be good marriages. I did not. Many times I wondered why me.  

The Alzheimer's has calmed his verbally abusive ways. I no longer have to ride in a car, terrified of being killed, or listening to him yell at other drivers, when I was the only one who could hear him.  he no longer ridicules me in our home, in a store, our outside so the neighbors could all hear what a terrible person I must be.  

Actually he tried yelling at me in the grocery store a few years ago and I said if he didn't stop, I would never take him with me again.  At one point, I said let's go, I'm taking you home. He stopped with his tirade.  

Life is a journey and here we are.  I don't know what lies ahead, I know what I've left behind. 

Blanche the Bag Lady

Dear Everyone on this thread,

I just joined this community tonight and I now know there is a community out there that feels like I do.  I am 64 and feel like my life is over.  I retired a year ago to take care of my DH, who is dependent on me.  I miss working and being with other people who can carry on an intelligent conversation.  We have no children and he has no siblings so I'm on my own.  We moved to an active adult community for the social activities but Covid has shut our community down for a year, nearly the entire time we've lived here.  I know that will get better as Covid cases get under control, but in the meantime he drives me crazy.  I have turned into a nasty lady at times and that scares me.  He used to be very independent and now his life and how he lives it is all on me.  He shows no emotion.  I feel like I'm nothing more than a maid and a short order cook.  He thinks I get out of control (nasty lady shows up) and doesn't understand why I lose it.  They say you need patience to be a caregiver, but where do you get it????  My patience left a long time ago.  

jmlarue

" I don't know what lies ahead, I know what I've left behind."

Oh, boy - this statement really hit home with me today. The sheer hopelessness of this disease is so defeating. What have I left behind? Everything. There's no "me" anymore. All that remains is a shell of a once intelligent, outgoing, level-headed, self-assured, "can do" woman who, now, daily doubts her own sanity. How long can someone live in the irrational world of dementia without becoming demented, too?

ElaineD

Dear Blanche,  I think it works this way: to get what I want (cooperation, order, calm) I must reflect cooperation, order, calm to my Loved One With Alzheimer's/Dementia.    It doesn't 'work' to become impatient, sarcastic, angry, etc.  

One place to learn what works is here on this Forum.  There are also amazing books, and I have recently connected to an on line (Youtube) set of videos by a GeroPsychologist, Natali Edmonds, that really describe in detail how to 'get what you want' (reasonably!) in your relationship with you DH.

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=Natali+Edmonds

 NOW that said we are ALL only human, and we will all 'lose it' from time to time.  Added to anger, frustration, exhaustion, is GUILT.  WE come here to restore some sanity and help soothe the guilt.

Living with a Person With Alzheimer's/Dementia is a constant journey of loss, we are all grieving the loss of what was.  So we also discuss our grief.

I notice that you mentioned that your DH doesn't show much emotion.  My DH is apathetic, and now has little empathy.  He is in the earlier stages of Dementia, but very early on he had serious personality change (more anger, more sarcasm, ignoring my needs: now the anger is much less, thank goodness).

He also shows loss of executive function, apathy and loss of empathy, and loss of some social filter.  He doesn't know he's changed, and says his memory loss is 'normal for his age' (it isn't).

My DH is a research scientist, vascular dementia runs in his family (older sister died last month in Memory Care) and he know there is no effective treatment for his condition.  There ARE medications that help with hallucinations, agitation, anger, sleep disorders, etc. 

 But stopping his Vascular Dementia is out of the question.  He is on track to be where his mother and his sister were by their mid-eighties.  He's 81 and has been showing signs of memory loss for 4-5 years.

Welcome to the forum,

Elaine