Misspoke

N00dles

I am an adult child, visiting my parents for a few weeks, after getting my vaccine shots.

This morning I just misspoke with my DF, who has AD. He is now upset, and my mother who came downstairs is upset. I was trying to help a situation and just made it worse. I was upbeat and excited about a possible outing for him with a friend. He said he doesn't get to make his own plans anymore, and he wanted to be with Mom. I was trying to make it positive, where he would want to go; I am going out to lunch with a friend, and she would have a few minutes of downtime alone.

This disease makes me feel like I can't say anything right. I already have some trouble in social situations. Makes me want to retreat and not engage. 

Well, I just heard, from my mother, that the opportunity is canceled for today, due to a storm coming in. She is not upset; she was only bothered that he was continuing to talk about it, even though no one was making him go.

Thanks for listening. 

M1

Don't sweat it too much.  There's some mercy in the fact that he'll probably forget it. Maybe your mom will too. Homecomings are always fraught even in the best of circumstances!

chrisp1653

You shouldn't beat yourself up over this. One of the main issues we all have had to contend with is the absolute inability to predict how someone with dementia will act in a given situation. There are tricks we learn that help - sometimes. The learning curve is an ongoing and sometimes impossible thing.

All you can do is your best, and in spite of what may think, ( at least, in my opinion, ) staying the course is the most self gratifying thing you can do, and for your loved one, perhaps the best thing that you can do for them too.

I'm not saying it's easy, because it is not ! But if you can find yourself making it all the way to the inevitable end, you will have experienced a personal growth that will stay with you for the rest of your life.

harshedbuzz

N00dles-

It's great that you are able to visit your parents. I am sure they, especially your mom, are happy you're there.

A couple of thoughts.

Dementia is like any other illness for either the person who has it or their family caregivers. Many people with dementia have anosognosia and no concept that they have had a shift in cognition or that they are someone who requires "care". In their minds, they are as capable as they've ever been and still shouldering their share of running the household. 

Many PWD glom onto one trusted caregiver using that person almost as a security object. This can be tiresome for that person.

Emotional intelligence is not typically impacted by dementia until the very end, if ever. Your insinuation that mom would enjoy a break is something that would be taken personally. That said, with short term memory being unreliable, you'll have a clean slate in no time and a chance to learn and do better. I personally cringe at some of the things I said and did early on.

HB