I am now taking the steps to bring in help

LadyTexan

I have completed the paperwork to bring in some help. I suspect DH will be resistant. 

I have been paying close attention to how others have handled this, for example, tell DH the help is for me not him. I'll likely try to pass the help off as a housekeeper at first. I am not optimistic that the transition will be smooth. But this is necessary. I really need the help. I am getting cranky, which does not create or sustain a calming environment.

Others have done it before me. Others will do it after me. I'm going to put on my big girl panties and tackle this as best as I can. I could use some positive vibes please. 

Thanks all.

Joe C.

LT, I hope it goes smoothly for you. Having a caregiver has been a lifesaver for me and allowed me to keep DW home longer than might have been otherwise possible.

60 falcon

Good for you! I hope it works out well for you both.  

I also need to do the same, but haven't yet.  I know I'd be a better caregiver if/when I do.  I'm also afraid my wife will resist.  Let us know how it goes for you guys.

Stuck in the middle

You can do this, Lady Texan.  If anyone can do it, it's you.

ButterflyWings

Lady T - you can do it.

Also, you've just inspired me to get the paperwork going this week too. I literally just called the care consultants at the Alz Assoc helpline last week to get some advice on where to start and they sent me some things to consider when interviewing, and some contacts with Agency on Aging I think, and some other group in my zip code that may be helpful with referrals. I desperately need the help with housekeeping and also companion care and more, for DH.

So, we are at the same point in this process except you are a bit ahead of me. Good for you! Did you decide on a specific gender to help you all out? I can think of pros and cons to both, for us. My DH is starting to have incontinence issues and sudden resistance to showers in the last month or so and that is part of what I need help with. Hoping he will respond differently to someone else because he's not cooperating with me AT ALL. 

I just put my foot down last week, and followed him into the public men's restroom, blocked the door, and refused to leave until he gave me the pants he'd just wet, and changed into the ones I had in the car, also trading me the soaked depends for a dry pair. (All of which he insisted wasn't even wet and didn't need to happen). It took too much time for me to do that every time he 'goes', every day, and I had to act up a tad which I don't want to make a regular thing.  I don't think he would allow a female to help with that, or with showering just yet. He is not even letting me help saying mainly that he just showered or will do it later (never) or my favorite: you're not even my wife, and if you are, it won't be for long (lol), etc. 

But if I hire a guy...he may think it is the "boyfriend" he rarely but occasionally accuses me of talking to on the phone (when I tell my daughter I love her, or when the alarm goes off, or a text beep...anything). Especially might be an issue with a guy helper if trying the strategy of saying the person is coming in to help me. And that could lead to trust problems we don't need. But then at least I wouldn't have to barge into men's restrooms in the future. Hopefully. Decisions, decisions. 

Anyway, you've inspired me to get the calls made this week to try and hire someone/s this month now that we've both had our vaccine shots. I can't even go run errands anymore as he's refused to leave the house in days, even to go outside together for a walk. So I do need someone to come in at least a couple of hours a day. And more, really, so I can concentrate on my remote but demanding day job.

Sorry for the LONG post! You can see I have been wrestling with this lately. Thanks for the jump start! Let's do this!

M1

Right there with you LT.  I KNOW my partner will be resistant. Thinking about trying to pass it off as farm help but not sure that will fly. Just now getting to the point where I feel the need-having her friend take her for lunch on Friday was huge, four hours to myself was wonderful. Fingers crossed for you. We've got your back.

ladyzetta

Dear Lady,

I was surprised at how well my DH adjusted to his caregiver. My DH was a big man so I had a big man as his caregiver. He was at our home 4 hours a day twice a week. He made sure my DH showered and I had laid out the cloths to put on after the shower. 

He was there from 8am to noon. So when he arrived I had breakfast on the table for them and I left. When I got home around noon the caregiver had fixed them both lunch and they were enjoying their lunch. My DH loved eating at the table and visiting so I knew starting with the breakfast would be a good plan.  

The caregiver I used was from Home Instead and they are there to do things for the wife as well. So I would get home to a clean hubby and a freshly vacuumed  and dusted house. My DH knew I would be happy so this was a win win. I never referred to him as a caregiver. 

I just told my DH I needed help and I needed to go to the store and I needed someone there to make sure he did not fall in the shower. The caregiver had the same interested that my DH had so they became good buddies. ( hunting fishing guns)

It will make it easier if you can find a good match. You may be surprised at how well it works.

Hugs Zetta 

Donr

When I hired my first helper I sat down with my wife and explained to her why I needed the time off. I stayed with them the first day but out of the away. After a few weeks she was fine. This may not work for everyone. My time off has been 4 hours per day and twice a week.

Battlebuddy

  I too am in the same spot. 

   Talked with an agency two weeks ago. I was just having a hard time with DH and it had been a long day . Ended up crying on the phone. Just need some more breaks and to get out and exercise. Plus my husband has become fearful in the car. The cars around him go too fast, the drivers are looking at him etc. it used to be his favorite thing and now agitates him . So I’ve got to be able to get out and shop at least without him.

   I called to schedule the home assessment and they have never called me back. Got an email for Evelyn ( not me) saying they were happy to talk to me. So if they can’t get the intake/ startup paperwork right I’m not sure if I want to hire that agency.  

LadyTexan

Thank you for the positive vibes everyone.

The company that I selected is the same company that my siblings and I vetted for my parents to bring on board. You may recall, my mom has dementia and my dad is her sole caregiver. Dear parents are both of a generation of doing for themselves. They see the aides as a luxury. Getting them to bring in help was not easy.

Watching the dynamics at their home has been a useful lesson. Last time I was at my parent's home, I learned that they discontinued the aides 2 weeks prior. I asked why. My mom explained it's not that they were unhappy with the service (they were very happy), they decided that they didn't need the help. My response to my mom was that I understand what she is saying (validation). I added that maybe they don't need the assistance now, but it is an important safety net in the event that my Dad becomes ill or injured, someone else could easily step in to care for her. I further added that she (my mom) is a fall risk and that if she falls again she may end up in the hospital and/or a SNF. Plus, it gives my Dad a needed break. I reminded her, that I can no longer step in to care for either of them because I need to care for my DH. The next day they recommitted to the personal care service.

Listening to myself explain the logic for my parents, I knew the same is true in my own home, although my husband is not a fall risk YET.

My parents are in a better financial position than I am. I am choosing to make the aides a priority in the financial budget because I believe if I mitigate the risk of me going crazy or becoming ill, or husband becoming injured and needing more skilled care, it will actually be a cost saving expense. (That's my risk management/accountant skill kicking in.)

I don't know the gender of the available aides. DH is 5'10" and 165 pounds so I don't think his size is an issue for someone sufficiently trained. My hope is that any aide sent is thick skinned, patient, well trained and has a calming nature as DH can be quite petulant.

Good luck to all that are taking on this task.

David J

LT, this is a wise decision. Your last post is better than all the good advice you received from others here. You know what’s best for you and your DH. 

It’s hard to get started with a paid caregiver but well worth it. My DW was still able to participate in choosing the first one, even though she forgot later. We are on our second caregiver, and DW seems to like her. The first caregiver was injured in a car accident and we tried going without help, but I couldn’t do it. I need my two afternoons per week respite. 

Good luck and I’m sure you’ll do fine. 

abc123

To Lady Texan and Others who are bringing in help, I wish you the very best! You are all in my prayers and thoughts. Zeta, How nice that your DH made a friend with his care helper.

Beachfan

Good luck, Lady T!  As usual, you have done your research, investigated all opportunities, made a sound decision and are ready to push forward!  I hope your endeavors pay off; keep us posted.  It may be rocky at the start (based on others' reporting, I wouldn't know personally), but hang in there.  Hoping all will work out for the best.

Ed1937

Lady, you have it all together. You know exactly what needs to be done, and why. I hope he easily accepts another person in the house. I'm pretty certain my wife would have a fit if I brought someone else in for help. Thankfully I have kids around who have committed to help if need be. We'll be rooting for you, so keep us posted.

banpaeng

You are doing good Lady Texan.  I am on the south side of Houston down Lake Jackson way.  I have a person during the week.  I am having a major problem for the weekend.  Any suggestions appreciated/

jfkoc

I simply asked my husband if we could hire someone who had been laid off for a few hours a week. He was happy to "help" someone.

French

First aid (for social life) : I invited the leader of the association that manage the aids. She presented the concepts of her association and directly asked him if would like to try. He answered yes.

Second aid (for the morning) : I invited her , she came and discussed. He was ok. The two fist times, she just prepared the breakfast and now she helps him in the shower !

I have learnt that everything is easier when helped with an external person. But my partner is easy.

Doityourselfer

Best of luck to you Lady Texan!

LadyTexan

I got a little hitch in my giddy up when it comes to bringing in care. 

1. I took my car in for service last week. The mechanic says new tires should be on my front burner. I trust the mechanic. He doesn't sell tires, so he has no reason to steer me wrong on this. 
2. I also had a check up on my AC. The AC unit is dated 1994 and is losing freon. It's not an efficient system, but it is chugging along. Of course, the hot Texas Summer has not yet begun.

The expenses for the tires and an AC upgrade are significant. As a result, I am deferring my decision to bring in personal help this month. I have gotten one quote for an AC upgrade and I plan to get two more quotes. The salesman showed me the good, better, and best options based on the manual J calculation. The pricing presented is good information but also depressing to think of the cash flow out.

I have realized I now have a new metric for budgeting. More specifically, how much care could I buy for that cost? Maybe I just need a good AC, if the cost difference between good and better unit is equivalent to 115 hours of care for DH (approximately 28 weeks at 4 hours per week).

When significant expenses, like these, come up, it is painful and another stark reminder of how financially devastating this cruel disease is.

Ed1937

Did you ask him about the possibility of repairing the existing unit? Even if they can repair it for significantly less money, the trick becomes finding someone who might have the old freon on hand to charge it. When the old freon is no longer available, the unit will have to be replaced. But it might be worth calling around to see if someone can fix it for you.

Joe C.

LadyTexan, As a way to start with a caregiver you may want to check if there are any respite grants available through support groups or social services agencies in your area. The local support group in my area offers grants and there is NO income eligibility requirements. I personally have never applied for a grant because I can self fund and feel others could better use these limited resources. When I posted about these types of grants over a year ago others were able to finds agencies that offered grants in their areas. It doesn’t hurt to google caregiver respite grants in your area or ask a local AA office or senior center.

Here is a program offered through the State but there is possibly private funded respite grants through Dementia support organization as well.

 https://apps.hhs.texas.gov/taketimetexas/

David J

LT-

I assume the AC is your house unit, not the car?  You say it is losing refrigerant, but still “chugging along”. Based on that, I assume the compressor is still working, and you’re getting some cooling out of it. The compressor is the main moving part in an AC unit, the others being only fans. A good service for this should consist of pumping out the refrigerant, pressure testing the system, and refilling the refrigerant. This should only be a few hundred dollars. If they find a leak, it could be more, but not thousands. Yeah, the unit is old, but these things can last decades if serviced regularly. The refrigerant carries lubricating oil through the system, so a refrigerant change is like changing the oil on your car.  

A really cheap solution, if you want to save up for a new unit next year, is to just add refrigerant. If you’re not losing too much, it might get you through the summer. I would only do this if there really is a budgeting issue. 

Good luck and tell us how it goes. It’s good to write about something other than dementia. 

LadyTexan

Thanks everyone. 

• The freon is R22 which I understand is generally no longer used and is scarce. The tech's notes state the freon is a little low. For some reason, I think it was around 1 unit low....does that make sense.
• I will checkout the respite grants. 
• The AC unit is the unit in my house. 

The 1st technician pointed out the deficiencies and options (with cost) to: 

1. do the maintenance (clean blower assembly and add freon plus correct the disconnect box.....its falling apart for $690.
2. do everything mentioned in number 1 plus something about the evaporator coil for a total of $3,555.

The salesman provided the gold, silver and bronze options for new units. The range is $8,400 (bronze) to $14,354 (gold). My current AC still works. SO part of me wants to just ride it out. I am getting another quote tomorrow.

Thanks again for all of your input! 

jfkoc

I added freon for years.

LadyTexan

I reached out to 2 other AC companies and my neighbor reached out to another. Only one company got back with me.

The technician stated he could add coolant and spray something into the system to seal it. Then he said he would be using a different freon (not the R22). I asked him if that would create an issue. He said no its not a problem. After he left, I started reading about mixing the freon. From what I read it is a bad idea to mix the freon. 

I have gone from feeling stupid to feeling even more stupid. I think I am just going to leave it alone and do nothing. Maybe I will just worry about it when it breaks.

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eaglemom

I appreciate how your trying to get things lined up. For me personally, I know I feel better if I've at least thought things out. Which it seems as though you have. However, I'm in TX also and you know Memorial Weekend or July 4th will be when the unit gives up the ghost. And it will be hot hot hot. Maybe have a plan to stay in a hotel if that would happen? At least until it could be repaired / replaced.

I like plans. If I follow though that's another thing! Your big girl panties are working.

eagle

LadyTexan

excellent idea Victoria. We purchased the home 20 months ago. I suspect the homeowner's warranty was for 12 months, but I will check it out. Thank you so much. I hadn't thought of that.

Rescue mom

Just a couple thoughts about your home AC, if it’s still an issue.....I’m dealing with similar.

There must be a lot of AC businesses in the Houston area. I’d try calling some more, if you’ve only heard from one after calling three. If you wait, as said, you will have a hurricane or major heat wave, or it will totally go on a holiday. Then it will be even bigger trouble. Call and call some more.

That said, there has been much news about how hard it is to get workers/trades people to do “smaller” jobs. (Not small to us!) The demand for big (new or substantially so) jobs is huge and bad enough. . I see stories of people having to wait months for workers and/or materials, even for full kitchen, bath garage etc. remodels. All advice is to start asking or arranging yesterday. It may take some time.  But having to do it post-storm or in a crisis is the worst.

Joe C.

I have an R22 AC system that I am going to have upgraded this year. When speaking with the HVAC contractor he stated that he would replace existing copper tubing because, “you should not mix even the residual R22 in the tubing with a different refrigerant”. 

Another thing he mentioned was in MA you must capture and pay to dispose of the R22 from system upgrades. He stated that if he could not get to my installation by the hot weather that he would at least use some of the reclaimed R22 from other jobs to recharge my system to get me by until he could do the upgrade. He stated that since he must pay to get rid of the R22 he might as well just use it in my system to help me get bye. Maybe if you find a contractor he could agree to something similar if he cannot get to you before the heat sets in.

Jo C.

Our AC unit is aging and has to this point continued to do a very good job; but it does enter my mind every summer - what if . . . .  we so depend on its function.

We have our AC Unit automatically thoroughly serviced every year about April; it costs between $125 and $200 to do this I think; I shall have to double check that, I know it is not any higher.  In our  two story house, we would never make summer without the cooling; we no longer do HOT very well and double that lack of tolerance if it is also humid.  

Here's hoping all goes well . . . .

J.