My husband doesn’t want to get rid of the guns in the house.

Stuck in the middle

Sorry you have to deal with this.  There is no way he will accept that he is dependent on you for protection rather than vice versa - that is tough for a man without dementia who was never a LEO, much less your husband.  Hang in there, I know it's tough.

M1

Sorry LT. I live in fear of my partner asking about her .22 which I hid several weeks ago, so far she hasn't missed it. Maybe he will forget?!?

LadyTexan

I created confusion when I added on to fireflies's original post. 

My DH is not in law enforcement. He's a former realtor. He treasures his guns. He has had guns all his life.

Several months ago I removed all the ammo out of the house. He realized it was missing yesterday. He is devastated. DH feels betrayed.

He is now refusing food and his meds.

Stuck in the middle

Sorry, Lady Texan.  I get you and Fireflies confused sometimes.  You are both great ladies and pretty much in the same boat.

Firedoggy

When my wife got bad she wanted the double barrel loaded for safety but no I hide the gun and after a time she forgot

JulieB46

We live in Northern MI, my husband doesn't carry, but he has always had shot guns and rifles for hunting. He always loved deer season, but this season, he bought a license and got ready, but opening morning, he told me that he wasn't going to hunt anymore because, " you shouldn't have a gun if you have dementia".  He also said that, he didn't want to kill a deer because he now knows what it feels like to know he won't live for much longer.   He has AD, and recently,  I came home in the afternoon and he said he wanted to show me something.  I went into our bedroom and he had an ax, a hunting knife, an a pistol.  I said, WTF is this?  He said, "Well just in case someone comes into our house, you know where this stuff is."  We live in the country on a main paved road.  Very little crime.  I said, "No one is going to come into our house.  All that this will do is you might kill me when you wake up and think there is someone here who isn't."  I mentioned it to him the next day, he told me that he was going to give all of his guns to his son and my brother, because he didn't want to hurt me by mistake. He has never had OCD, but now he checks each door several times each night before we can go to bed.  Dementia causes paranoia and OCD, and neither are safe with weapons in the home.

Crushed

LadyTexan wrote:

I created confusion when I added on to fireflies's original post. 

My DH is not in law enforcement. He's a former realtor. He treasures his guns. He has had guns all his life.

Several months ago I removed all the ammo out of the house. He realized it was missing yesterday. He is devastated. DH feels betrayed.

He is now refusing food and his meds.

Its called manipulation 

It is unfortunate that guns mean more to him than you

But that appears to be the reality.

About a quarter of all homicides in the USA are domestic with men the primary perpetrators.

" In fact, more than six times as many women are murdered by guns used by their current or former intimate partnersthan are killed by male strangers’ guns, knives or other weapons combined." 

  

Stuck in the middle

Julie, you and I are very fortunate to care for LOs who are aware of their limitations.  I have not been forced to take DWs car, money, and independence from her, because she gave them to me and relies on me.  It is my understanding that only 30% of us are so fortunate.  The rest must fight to gain control of the cars, guns, drugs, computers, and other dangerous things.

ButterflyWings

Julie - that is amazing but also terrifying. It is hard for PWD to follow through on plans and promises. Can DS and BIL help move this change of ownership along? Like stuck in the middle just said, many LOs lack the insight your DH has about their disease. We are part of team anosognosia. My DH has no clue that he's impaired, and no chance to voluntarily stop doing anything risky. Nor will he cooperate very well with the things I'm trying to do for our safety (cars, fire/ovens, various weapon-like objects). 

Glad your DH showed you the weapons but I can imagine your shock! I left our house and refused to return until the rifle was produced soon after diagnosis (a few years now). DH had "hidden it for safekeeping" and would not tell me where. Not trying to dance with death, no thanks. It took a couple of days. Then as soon as he relented and showed me where it was, once he went to sleep I disappeared it and the ammo. And I got amnesia a few weeks later when asked if I knew where it went. Blank look. I'm not the least bit ashamed about that. Fortunately he forgot pretty soon since it wasn't something he used regularly- just kept it "in case". It must be so much harder when the weapons are part of ones' life, I realize.

My DH also had the paranoia, the protective instincts, weaponing up during sundowning/late night to handle the non-existent burglars or intruders (he still gets those ideas, though meds help). Soon after that behavior started keeping us up at night, he began hallucinating that people were in the house, that I was not me (was even a guy at one point), hearing voices outside, and it went from WTF to OMG in a split second. It was crystal clear there was no need to discuss with him, or wait for the right time...it was obvious I had to do my part QUICKLY, to disappear all real and potential weapons after that. Bats, hammers, knives (from under the mattress (!)), big sharp garden tools, etc. That's what sent us looking for meds ultimately, and Seroquel has saved our lives in more ways than one, I truly believe. 

Please do take this super seriously and see it as urgent. His brain changes may be sudden and way more unbelievable than you can imagine. It is too scary to think of what might happen if you wait. Better safe than sorry. (If you can let others share the blame/decision/action, that's best). For me it was stealth and covert operations. A PWD might agree, then forget, then be livid. You are in charge now. Or dementia is. And as your DH said: lethal weapons and dementia are a bad combo.

Wishing you all the best. This issue has been a nightmare for some, as you can see.

P.S. (Gosh, I just had a flashback: I was almost shot by a hunter stepping out from behind a row of pines many, many years ago in the upper part of the lower peninsula. Me? just strolling through the gorgeous north woods oblivious to the season. Surprised us both to suddenly be face to face where we each had thought we were completely alone. Imagine if his judgement had been impaired by brain decline. I shudder to think.) 

Jude4037

While we were living in Florida an elderly man shot his neighbor through his front door. He was loved by his friends and neighbors and never known to be violent. In fact the young man he killed just wanted to check on him because he hadn’t seen him for a few days. Dementia often makes people fearful. I have caught myself saying I really don’t think he would actually hit me til he did. It’s difficult to accept that our love one is NOT the person we used to know. Guns and dementia do not mix. And when people say things like have his former boss or hunting buddy talk to him….that’s a nice thought but he won’t remember that conversation or care. He wants his gun. 

. My husband does not have a gun but we went through and still on occasion still do his anger about getting rid of his car. I substituted a fake key to our only car so he has it to have on his ring and he rarely notices that I’m always the one who drives. 

Ed1937

Crushed wrote:

It is unfortunate that guns mean more to him than you

But that appears to be the reality.

OR, Maybe he wants his guns, but can't believe that would ever be dangerous for her because he would never shoot her. Take your choice. I'll go with the latter.

Stuck in the middle

It's like the guy getting into his car saying "I'm not as think as you drunk I am."  He won't like it, and it may take three of you to do it, but you have to take the keys.

Lgw

I was told after the initial diagnosis to lock away all the firearms. Unfortunately, it took all of us awhile to find them all. I was also using that time to organize a simplify my husband's closet.  I then got his doctor to take the blame for the guns and taking away his driver's license.