Revocation and stepmom

JJ401

Yes, my perspective is affected by being in a second marriage for over 20 years. Until you have navigated this, it is hard to understand the complexities.

And, as I said, the allegation of impersonation, on its face, is damning. But, we are not in possession of all the facts,  and the fact that the POAs that are being used predate the marriage and are over 20 years old is concerning. I would just prefer that members of this board do not skewer the current wife with descriptors as bamboozling and crafty. It is possible to give Mikela advice without denigrating the current wife.

If there is a will that was drawn up after the marriage, that does not make a wife of twenty years crafty. For all we know it may leave the children more than they would have received than if dad died without a will. 

Mikela was advised to see a lawyer. That is being done, and this will sort itself out. The impersonation allegation may be a criminal matter and the lawyer can advise on how to proceed.

ButterflyWings

All - I am glad for the consistent focus here on recommending an elder lawyer to sort this out. I really am sorry to see the willingness to call someone names and attribute negative characteristics and motives that may not exist. A spouse of 20 years, and dementia caregiver at that, losing their spouse to two terminal diseases...well they are in a particular hell of their own with this loss and we all should understand that, even if we don't sympathize. Plus the extra tug of war in this situation is a lot. I can empathize with all of them and the legal professionals will sort it out. The party with the most power will usually prevail if there is any gray area. I respect the profession, but understand it well. It isn't perfect either.

Anyway, my approach is to support and encourage the original poster if I can, without being nasty toward the other party who we don't know and haven't heard from. I think that how we speak about people is important, to not add unnecessary fuel to a family fire which can cause more harm for all. Just my 2 cents. And I shared that my perspective was from my own experience, as did JJ401. That doesn't make it less valid. It shouldn't anyway. The point is, there are always two sides to every story. It can sometimes help me, to consider the other point of view if I'm struggling with someone's behavior. Often "the truth" is somewhere in the middle, we know. 

The last thing I will say is, I'm glad JJ401 spoke up, and I did too. Isn't it important to be fair by having a balance of various viewpoints to consider? Early on when I first joined this forum I did not feel safe sharing some of the struggles with blended family that I'm sure our forum mates might have been able to help with. But the stepmom bashing was fast and furious and I did not want to deal with that on top of everything else I was trying to survive. So, I just think we should know how important our words and ideas here are. You all saved my sanity many times (still are) and I have trusted forum-mates' judgement and advice often. And acted on it. We can really influence a situation with our advice to the poster, and could seriously increase the hostility or encourage additional harm to the relationships. That makes me sad. I don't have a bias toward the stepmother nor did I see one in JJ's posts. What I saw was someone encouraging us not to automatically view a spouse of 20 years as the enemy or a scammer, with no rights to be respected and honored. Just as a human being, regardless of the outcome of the legal matters.

aod326

Well said, ButterflyWings! By default, everyone on this board is dealing with really tough things with a LO's dementia. We probably all doubt ourselves from time to time, and may feel the judgement of friends and family. It is wonderful to have moral support and practical tips from fellow caregivers, and I hope we can continue to support each other while respecting people's situations differ.

Mikela, good luck on this very tough journey.

eastofbeach

Your dad and stepmom have been married 20 years. I don't know how you would be able to use a POA when there is a spouse. This POA may have been done in case she passed away. You might have overstepped here, as there is a wife that you seem to think is not capable of decision making as to the language she speaks.

[Deleted User]

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JJ401

 This is Mikela's thread about how her father's wife impersonated her to try to get control of his money when the DPOA names her, the daughter,  and the wife (his 8th?) signed an ante-nup that did NOT give her , the wife, control or assets.Knew the situation going in to the marriage.   Wife was on scene and father was scammed , house almost lost for non-payment of taxes, medical care wasn't sought when he had a head wound etc. To try to say these things didn't happen or should be discounted because you, a poster ,are a non-first wife and YOU'D never do these things is really off topic.

Yes, this is Mikela’s thread. But, that does not automatically make the wife of 20 years a con artist, a bamboozler, crafty, etc. This is a complicated situation. Yes, this is wife #?, but this is a long term marriage, not a let me marry this dying guy and get his money situation. Yes, there was money mismanagement, but many times on this board I have read of a child or spouse finding that the dementia patient had squandered or been scammed before the family realized the extent of the problem. I am not saying these things don’t exist. I am saying all of it may not be the wife’s doing.

As for the antenup. None of us have any idea what is/was in it. A spouse does not automatically give up all rights in an antenup. Everything has to be listed individually. And whatever is in it can be changed at anytime by the agreement of both spouses. Mikela, putting the wife’s name on the account, may have changed that part of the antenup. 

Plus, the wife has seen a lawyer, whom Milela has said is giving bad advice. We have no idea if any of what the wife did was directed by the lawyer. 

This is a complicated situation that the lawyers are going to have to figure out (as everyone has said). To denigrate the wife is off topic.

dayn2nite2

@JJ401 yeah keep telling yourself that.  The rest of us see it for what it is.

JJ401

day2nite2, the only thing I see clearly is that the original poster, the siblings, and the current wife are all going to end up spending time and money with lawyers. This situation is a legal mess.